My heart beat was steady, but I could feel the anxiety rising. I went to take a drink of water, but my hands shook too badly. Either the two I sat with didn’t notice, or they didn’t want to comment on it because they wanted to know the truth.
“It’s not our business,” Sawyer said when I still didn’t speak after a few moments. “But you’re still big news. It’s gonna happen sooner or later. Especially at group.”
“The first part is partially true,” I finally was able to mutter out. “I was taken from my backyard right before I turned five. The man who took me wasn’t family. I still have no idea what he wanted to accomplish. A lot happened with that man, which I don’t want to talk about anytime soon.”
“H-h-how were you f-f-f-found?”
“By a friend,” I grimaced. There was no way I was going to mention Lisa or the role that she played in all of this. I still wasn’t sure what her angle was. My heart panged at the thought. “Long story short, I was found by my biological family, and now here I am.”
“Huh,” Sawyer said. “I didn’t expect that. Are you still in contact with any of your family then, with you being here alone?”
“Somewhat,” I said. “They’re all behind me with figuring out who I am.”
“You’re Scarlett, the amazing girl I keep running into,” Sawyer laughed.
Our food was placed down in front of us. At first, I picked at the chicken strips and fries, still on edge about things I couldn’t change. The nervousness of talking about myself had thankfully passed.
“I watched my dad kill my mom, then take his own life,” Sawyer said all of a sudden. At her words, I jumped. “
“I know sorry won’t cut it,” I said gently. How was she not more messed up after seeing something like that? I knew I was, after seeing what Alan did to Lisa.
“I’m okay, for the most part. My brother isn’t so sure, since I don’t stick to one place very long. Or make friends. But I really think you two changed that. He worries way too much.”
“Don’t all brothers?”
“She’ll w-w-w-want to m-m-m-meet them.”
“Who?” I squinted at Miles.
“Dr. Mayes,” Sawyer answered. “She likes to meet everyone in our lives, to get an understanding of our background and home life. She’s the one therapist I’ve met that actually cares about us. Not just as another paycheck, but as a person. I’ve had some shitty shrinks who thought I had the answers. But Dr. Mayes really is one of a kind. She really listens and gives advice.”
“I think I’ll just skip that part,” I laughed. “I mean, a guy who drugged me is now like a best friend, despite other issues he’s dealing with right now. A brother isn’t sure how to let me go and acts more like a father. The man who is my father won’t talk to me. Then there’s another friend who’s not faring well with me way out here. And I may like him more than I want to, and I have no clue how to handle that.” The words spilled out without my consent. “Shit. So sorry. That was way too much all at once. Just ignore me.”
“I thought my family was a bit crazy,” Sawyer said. “But don’t ever apologize for venting. She’ll want to meet them someday, if she can. It’s just how she is. Plus, it gives the family members someone to talk to about issues, too.”
“Collin would so not go for that,” I shook my head.
God, I missed them all.
“W-w-who’s he?”
“My personal doctor,” I said, lifting my arm to the table and showing my mark that filled me with shame, yet pride at the same time. “He patched me up, and we’ve grown close, I guess.”
After dinner, Sawyer and I walked towards our apartment and Miles went the other way. On the way, I couldn’t stop the feeling as if I were being watched. Maybe it was the after effect of what I had done at the diner.
We were quiet, had been since I showed off my scar. Surely, she had noticed it before then. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide it.
I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing. Sooner or later, if she hadn’t noticed it yet, she would have, and that would have led to more questions. I was sure she already did, since it wasn’t like her to not talk. That much I knew.
“Why?” she finally asked when our apartment was just up ahead.
“Why what?”
“Why did you do it?”
“Life,” I shrugged. “I wanted to die. I didn’t want to live anymore. Collin found me and fixed me up.”
“Was it just the one time?” Her voice was quiet, like she was afraid to know the answer.
“That time, yes.”
“My god!”
“At the time, I knew that if I didn’t do it, someone else would. The man who took me wants to kill me, and I’m sure he will get that chance once I actually truly want to live.”
“You can’t be serious!”
“Dead serious.”
She stopped, spinning to face me, and placed her hands on my upper arms.
“You can’t go thinking like that! I won’t let you!”
“But it’s how my life is. Always has been.”
“But you’re seeing Dr. Mayes.”
“Yes,” I said slowly, “because I need to come to terms with how my life was, and how my life will be. If you want to know if I still want to die, the answer is both yes and no. I don’t know if I want to live. I want to live for other people because they care so much about me. But for myself, no. I can’t sleep a full night without dealing with a nightmare. I can’t forget about the pain I caused to people who love me and blame themselves for what happened to me. And I certainly can’t deal with everything in my head most of the time.”
Without words, Sawyer pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around my stiff form. I felt her tears drop to my shoulder. I looked up at the sky, not wanting my emotions to take control right now. Not on the sidewalk of all places. I took deep breaths, hoping that what I was feeling would pass.
“You aren’t alone, Scarlett. I promise you. We all suffer from something.”
“H ey,” I said, clicking on the accept button to talk to Peyton through the iPad on FaceTime. It was good to see him. Words couldn’t describe it. I was beating myself up for taking so long to sit and really talk to him. His blond hair, one shade darker than mine, looked like it was just recently cut.
“Hey yourself, sorella,” he said, his light blue eyes looking me over too closely. “You look tired.”
I was. I hadn’t slept well again last night. This time, worry kept clouding my mind more than anything else. I kept beating myself up for showing my arm the way I did. It didn’t help matters that I was already tired before I did that. I was worn out.
“I’m fine,” I said before taking another sip of my coffee. The warmth seeped into my cupped hands. The blanket across my lap only helped a little to ward off the cold that didn’t want to leave my body.
“Scarlett,” Peyton sighed. He gave me that look that meant he knew I was lying. I simply raised a brow, because if he knew, there was no point in me telling him otherwise. “Fine. Why aren’t you sleeping?”