D epression isn’t a disease. There is no cure to it. It’s both a brain disorder and a state of mind. It ranges from post-traumatic stress to other brain illnesses. It tests the will of its victims, seeing how much they really can handle. A single person doesn’t know exactly what they are capable of until they’re faced with no other option but to fight.
Me? Well, I was never the strongest.
But I’m slowly getting there.
I’m at that stage where I want to live, to become someone who deserves to be a part of this world. Even if my heart isn’t completely on board.
I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m finished trying to be perfect in an imperfect world. I want to be who I truly am. I’m no longer the missing girl, just a lost woman trying to find her way in this world.
This is not the beginning, nor the end. This is me, Scarlett, in between a rock and a hard place.
Can I find my footing, or will I crumble and let the past keep me down?
I can do this. This is what I want. One step at a time.
I could feel the panic, the worry, growing inside of me, its claws scratching at the surface, begging to be released to the wild. I willed my racing heart to slow, if only a tiny bit.
Having a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk was not my plan. It didn’t matter that there were people out and about on this too warm day. The possibility of making a fool of myself was the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown episode. That, and my determination to see this through. I wanted something to fight for, a reason to keep on living. I needed to find some sort of footing on my own without my family worrying about every step I took.
When I reached the building, the sun glaring off the windows into my eyes, I took a deep breath in and released it before I opened the door and stepped in. A gush of cold air caused goose bumps to cover my arms.
Inside was colored in light blues and grays. A wall separated the seating area and the windows on one side. A middle-aged secretary sat behind a desk and looked up when I walked in, her black hair pulled into a high ponytail. Her thin glasses sat on the edge of her nose, almost hiding the fact that her eyes needed help to read the computer in front of her.
“How may I help you, miss?”
“I have an appointment.” My fingers gripped tightly on the purse strap around my shoulder and chest.
“Name?”
“Scarlett Adams.”
“Oh!” she rushed, her dark eyes instantly bouncing between me and her screen. “Your grandfather called ahead for you. I should have known who you were right away. You’ve been big news. Not that I would tell a soul that you’re here, or why. Because that’s against our policy.”
My heart began to race in my chest, pain squeezing my lungs.
“Ignore my rambling. I tend to that when I get excited. You can fill these out while you wait for Dr. Mayes. She’s just about ready to see you. We will need these filled out as best you can.” She pushed a clipboard with a few papers and a pen towards me on the desk.
“Kay,” I muttered, not sure what to say. I took the clipboard and spotted an empty seat off in the corner. Nerves won over my fear for the moment. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing, since my healing heart was left behind with a man it shouldn’t be tied to. It physically hurt to leave him—well, everyone—but I knew I needed to.
I had hardly slept, and it wasn’t because Ace had dropped me off so late. It was from the haunted look Dominic had when I left. Even though he did want me to seek help, he didn’t want me to go. I could practically see him begging me not to leave him behind.
His look in the rearview mirror as we left was full of heartache and defeat. He was as lost as I was.
I knew he was dealing with stuff, too. I wasn’t sure what exactly, as he’d never been all that forthcoming about his past. Though, I couldn’t hold it against him. I detested talking about what I’d dealt with.
I knew little—only that Ace had adopted him after his dad killed his mom. The how, why, and when never came up, and it wasn’t something I was willing to ask. It wasn’t my place. But I knew, without a doubt, that I’d be there to listen when he wanted to tell me.
But god, that look when I left.
It pulled my heart right from me, leaving a gaping hole in its place. Zevon’s, too. Neither one of them wanted me to leave, and I truly didn’t want to. Collin had offered to stay with me, but I declined.
Coming here on my own was my idea. I’d never get better if I kept clinging of a crutch. I worried that I’d fail, though. What if I couldn’t do it? What if I caved and returned to where it all began? What would everyone think of me if I just gave up and let my sorrow finally take a hold of me once and for all?
I had made a promise not only to Ace but Collin too. I wouldn’t cause any harm to my body. That was their condition for allowing me to come here alone. If I did, all bets were off and I’d be back to having full-time guards.
I would never be able to stand up to the world if I continued to be scared of every little thing. I was far from perfect and always would be. I had to do something. I couldn’t continue to sit on the sidelines, letting everyone walk on eggshells around me.
I let Ace drive me and my cat off to some small town that was a bit closer to where I had grown up but still far enough away that no one would never know to look for me. I was as safe here as I would be anywhere else, or at least I hoped so.
My grandfather—it felt so strange to call Ace that—had made sure I was in a prime spot to get any counseling services I agreed to, along with easy access to stores. He hired someone to do most of my grocery shopping for me, since the first and only time with Dominic wasn’t the best experience. I knew in time I’d get the hang of it all, but I was sheltered from a lot of stuff I never even knew about for so long.
I never realized how much damage Alan had done to me until my family opened my eyes. His abuse went so much deeper than I ever thought possible.
I remember learning somewhere that having a support team to heal was crucial, and I certainly had that. I worried I’d never be able to repay them all, but I would. Someday, I would do whatever I could to repay the world for giving me what I needed to get through this dark time.
Looking over the questions on the few pieces of paper, I filled out what I could. Most of them I had no answers for. I had no clue about any of my family background, although if they really wanted that information, they could just call Ace and get it. It was something I should take a stab at and learn.
A few minutes after I filled out the little I was able to, my name was called from a doorway not that far away. The voice belonged to an older gal who had her nearly white hair twisted into a messy bun atop her head. I stood on shaky legs and walked towards her.
“Please, come in,” she said with a smile and held the door open for me. I dropped my eyes to the floor, not knowing where to look or what to do. My hands fiddled in front of me, the clipboard still clutched between them.
“Have a seat wherever, or you may stand. This is a safe place, and whatever you choose to do will be fine with me.” Her voice was soft as she closed the door and took a seat on top of a dark desk.
I glanced around the room. Besides the dark red wooden desk, a couch and a matching chair, there were a couple of small end tables and pictures on the walls of mountains and sunsets. Along the back wall were floor to ceiling windows that looked out onto a grassy flower field.