I couldn’t answer them. There were no answers to some things. It would just have to stay that way.
On a blank sheet of paper, per Dr. Mayes’ request, I began my life story. She wanted me to write down as much as I could remember. Every detail. Every time Alan raped me.
So I did. I started with the first time he took my body in a way I hoped he never would. I wrote about how much that hurt me from the inside out. And how much I hated his guts afterwards. I explained how he tore me down, word by word, through the years. How he killed all the hope I had by telling me what I was up against.
I wrote how he killed Lisa, my first true friend and mother figure. I detailed how her blood was still stained on the floor because I couldn’t wash it all out, no matter how much bleach I used.
I even put down that that had been the day my heart officially broke and I lost all hope to live.
I went on with how Zevon had found me, drugged me, and taken me to where I should have been all along. I wrote down how our relationship was.
I noted down every relationship from thereon out, and how I felt about each and every one. I wrote down how I wasn’t sure where to go with some of them, fearing I’d lose them if I didn’t do what they wanted or expected of me.
I wrote about how Caesar and I were not on the best of terms, and I couldn’t understand why. We just hadn’t clicked. He kept his distance and only called when he felt like he had to.
By the time I was done, it was nearing midnight and my stomach was growling, but in just writing it all down, I felt better about a few things. I was healing. I was starting to come to terms with a lot of the crap I had gone through. There was only one way to keep going: one day at a time until I reached wherever I was headed.
One day, I could maybe be happy with who I was and put my past behind me.
N ot wanting to be alone in the apartment, I got dressed and ready to take a walk. I needed to keep my body moving, my mind busy. I didn’t want to be caught in a panic attack while being alone again. I wasn’t sure I’d not go through with my urges if I was left alone for too long.
As I was shutting the door, I ran into a form. Again.
“Sorry!” Sawyer said, taking a step back. “I was just about to knock.”
“Good morning to you too,” I grumbled.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go walking with me? I do that at least three times a week.”
“Uh…”
“But you sooo need clothes. Like proper jogging, walking clothes. Not that.” She waved her hand up and down at my pair of cute jeans and a tank top.
What was wrong with what I had on?
“Jeans are not comfortable to wear to walk in.”
“It’s all I have,” I said.
“Change of plans, then. Let’s go shopping.”
“Sawyer,” I said, pulling against her as she went to grab my hand. “I don’t need clothes.”
“Yes, you really do. It won’t hurt you, you know. Plus, you can’t just walk up and down the street without a mission.”
“A mission?”
“Yes. A clothing mission. Someone around here needs to show you how to properly shop.”
“The only time I’ve gone shopping was with Dominic, and I did just fine picking out a few things.”
“Exactly. Men don’t shop.”
“I’ll text someone to send me some clothes.” Wasn’t that the point of having a personal shopper?
“No way!” she huffed. “You are so not gonna pull that card. Girls shop, so let’s go.”
“But—"
“Or I’ll just buy you clothes myself without you there. But I am so gonna have you go walking with me. It’ll be good for you.”
“I’m not against the walking thing,” I said, slowly giving in. “That’s what I was about to do anyhow. But I don’t do shopping, Sawyer.”
“Why?”
“People and I don’t mix these days. The first and last time I nearly panicked.”
“Each time becomes easier. Come on. Please? If you start to panic, let me know and we’ll leave, okay?”
“All right,” I sighed, giving in. “As long as you don’t push me further than what I’m capable of.”
“Never,” she said, making a cross over her chest. “But someone needs to get you out of your shell a bit. Since no one else is here with ya, you got me to do that!”
“I’m already starting to think this is a bad idea.”
“Nonsense,” she laughed, knowing I was joking. “Come on! We so need new clothes before group tonight.”
I shook my head, letting her lead the way, but a smile was on my face the entire time.
She was right. I needed someone to push me a bit. Someone to get me out of my comfort zone. How else was I going to learn to let go and live a little? Wasn’t the point of me coming here to find myself?
The past couldn’t keep me down forever. Eventually, I did need to spread my wings and fly, so to speak. I just hoped I didn’t regret it.
“So, what will you do when you finish your sessions and are deemed fit to join the world again?” Sawyer asked as we began to walk down the sidewalk.
“Who says I’ll ever rejoin the world?” She stopped mid-step, a look of horror on her face. “Joking. I’ll go back to Ace’s house and try to figure out what I’ll do next.”
“You scared me there for a second,” she said, starting to walk again. “Is that who you lived with?”
“My grandfather. And sorta. I don’t really have a place to call home.” Truthfully, I didn’t know where I’d go after here.
“What about your parents?”
“Not an option, or one I want to take. My mom and I have an okay relationship.”
“Not your dad?”
“No,” I said, fixing my purse as it began to fall down my shoulder. “He rubs me the wrong way.”
“At least you have parents,” she said. “My dad hated everything Mom did.” She shrugged. “I was too young to really know what went down. And I’m okay with that, for the most part. So, I can understand not having a place to call home. Ooh! Maybe we could be roommates!”
“Uh…” I didn’t think that’d be the greatest idea.
“Not now. Like, when we’re both ready to move on from this lovely town. Or maybe we can stay here. I don’t really care. But I’d be amazing to have a friend to live with. And the kitty, too.”
“We’ll see. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“But you should. I think we’d be great living together.”
“You know we’ve barely known each other for a week, right?”
“And us meeting is just fate! We’re meant to become friends from the start.”
“You believe in fate?”
“Well, yeah. There is a higher power, and he’s leading us where we should be. You were meant to come here all along, and I have this feeling we’re meant to be there for each other.”
“If you say so.”
“You don’t believe it?”
“How could I?” My words were laced with gloom. “No one was there to save me when I needed it the most.”