“Sleep and I just don’t agree.” I shrugged. It also wasn’t making things easier when the last text message flashed in my mind. The words may have been simple, but the meaning behind them was not.
Have fun playing house while you can
He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before reopening them and pinning me where I sat. Even through the screen, I could feel his disappointment.
“So, change of subject. What have you been up to?” he asked.
“Therapy. I told you I was going all in, and I meant it. Yesterday was the first group therapy.”
“How’d that go?”
“Fine. Not terribly bad.” It actually went a lot better than I thought it would. I hadn’t felt like an outcast for once.
“Have you been eating?”
“Geeze. Yes, Dad, I have been,” I said with an eye roll. “I actually went out with a couple of people for dinner last night.” This right here was why I wanted everyone to just leave me alone. I didn’t want them questioning my every move.
“A couple?” He sat up straighter.
“Yeah. The girl next door—“
“The one who likes to run into you.”
“That’s the one. Sawyer. She’s not bad,” I smiled. “Then a boy from group last night.”
“Good. Glad to see you’re making some friends. You need them,” he said, relieved.
“I told you I can do this. But you guys need to give me the chance to try. When someone keeps calling me constantly, how am I going to figure out who I am? I need space to breathe, okay?” I blurted out, dropping my eyes. “I need you all to give me some time to get things sorted out up here.” I tapped my head as I returned my eyes to him. I saw his heartbroken look.
“Fuck,” he said, leaning forward and pulling his hands through his hair. “I refuse to sit back and watch you fall to pieces again. I refuse to lose my sister.
“I didn’t say I was going anywhere,” I huffed. “Just that I need time to get things done on my own. I need to learn how to cope without everyone looking over my shoulder. Geeze, why can’t you guys get it through your heads? Someone keeps tabs on me all the time, and it’s not like I’m not totally alone, you know. I know for a fact that Ace put guards out to keep an eye on me, and that should be enough!”
“Okay, fine,” Peyton said, not pleased about it. “I’ll be sure to pass the message along. But you better call if you need us. If something were to happen because you want to cut us all out….” He trailed off.
With each word he said, my eyes clouded with tears. His were filled with anguish, worry, and love.
“Don’t worry,” I said, letting my anger go. “I’m fine, as you can see. It hasn’t even been a week, Peyton. I can’t prove that I won’t do anything unless you give me the chance.”
“I don’t know what to do here,” he sighed, rubbing his hands down his face.
“Give me time,” I pleaded. “That’s all I need right now. I don’t need someone constantly getting on my nerves about my wellbeing. I need room to breathe.”
“I’ll try.”
I had to take that much.
“All right.” He seemed like he had more to say but kept whatever it was to himself.
Later that afternoon, I peeked through the peephole in the door after a soft knock. I wasn’t sure if I was surprised or not to see Sawyer there. I opened the door, seeing her hands fiddling in front of her. She looked at me, taking me in.
“Can I come in?”
I stepped back, letting her enter. Once I shut the door, she turned to face me.
“I’m sooo sorry for how I reacted last night. I should have known, given why you go to the support group and all that, but I didn’t think you’d really do that. Hell, I didn’t think I’d ever consider doing it either. When you showed what you did, so many thoughts ran through my mind. But I didn’t act like a friend, Scarlett. And you need a friend more than ever; I know that. I kept beating myself up over not staying to make sure you were really okay. That’s not what a friend does.
“So, I’m here to officially tell you that I’m sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” She gave me puppy dog eyes while placing her hands under her chin.
“Of course. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have—"
“Don’t you dare say that,” she said, quickly wrapping me in a hug. “It’s not your fault. You pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, looking for something, and I turned away from it. Only because it made me think about things that I didn’t want to think about. I thought I was doing better, but I guess not. Which I know is normal.”
Had I been looking for something? I wasn’t sure if I was, or what I was even looking for. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to push anyone away before they became too attached.
“I wasn’t the person you needed, but I promise you, I will be from here on out. I’ll listen to whatever you need to say, or just be a shoulder to cry on. Whatever you need.” She pulled back before looking at me as if I were about to start spouting off my issues.
“It’s fine,” I said.
“No, it’s sure isn’t fine.”
“Sawyer,” I said, slightly louder. “It is fine. We don’t know each other all that well. It’s understandable how you reacted. It’s water under the bridge.”
“Okay, you sure?” she asked uncertainly.
“Positive. I have enough other crap to worry about.”
She visibly relaxed, a smile taking over her face at my words. “So, want to watch a movie?”
M y nerves were just as bad on the second session as they were the first one. My knee bounced in place as I looked down at my lap. I had a feeling today wasn’t going to be an easy day. Truthfully, most days weren’t easy, and I was getting tired of them being so difficult.
I just wanted to be instantly fixed, and I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.
“What’s on your mind today?” Dr. Mayes asked, taking a seat.
“Everything,” I answered, meeting her eyes. “Life. Death. Choices. Defeat. What isn’t on my mind would be a better question.”
“Tell me about it all, then. Maybe I can help you sort your thoughts.”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I looked at her, hoping that she’d give me some idea. Maybe she held the handbook of how to deal with everything inside the brain and could tell me.
“Let’s start off with why you came to the group session looking defeated and worn out.”
“I was alone, and the thought of cutting entered my mind. That in turn caused me to panic.”
“Did you cut?”
“No. Collin called at the right time and talked me down. But it came out of nowhere.” Subconsciously, I placed one hand on my lower stomach. It wasn’t the first time I’d done it.
“Do you have the attacks often?”
“More than I’d like, yes. Normally, I can feel them coming on and I do what I can to prevent them. But eventually they always hit, and hit hard.”
“What do you do to keep them at bay?”