A high-pitched cry pushed from my lungs as my father forced his penis into me in one move. I felt like I was being torn in half.
“So fucking tight,” he muttered as he stayed still. He sounded like he was in heaven while I was in hell. My lungs couldn’t get enough air in as I felt his thing move inside of me.
After a moment, or maybe it was hours, he slowly pulled out, then quickly pushed back in. Over and over again. Tears leaked from my eyes as the pressure inside me felt like it was going to burst. It hurt so bad, worse than anything he’d done to me before.
God, please. Make it stop.
“Shut up,” he hissed, picking up speed. My entire body jostled with every move he made. I couldn’t take it anymore. This wasn’t right. I knew this was wrong, yet my begging fell on deaf ears.
I clenched my eyes as tight as possible as he took my body in a way I never expected.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he pushed one more time into me—so far, I thought he’d made a hole in my insides, and then he froze with a low groan. I’d never felt more disgusted in my life as I did right then.
For once, I felt as dead as this man wanted me to be.
I woke up in a cold sweat, feeling as if I were reliving that very first time again. It felt as real as it did on that dreaded birthday. The phantom pain that tore through my stomach left a stinging sensation as I crawled out of bed.
Why couldn’t the past stay there? Why did it need to come find me now? I just wanted to move on and forget it all.
What Alan did to me—not just that first night but over the years that followed—was unforgivable. Unforgettable, despite how hard I tried. I didn’t want to be haunted for the rest of my life by his actions, but I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could do about it. I had to figure out a way to just deal with it.
Just deal. The idea was laughable. A month ago, I wanted to die. Now, I was just going to learn to deal. Deal with crap that life kept throwing at me. I wasn’t ready to fully live, but I wasn’t ready to die now, so that had to be a start, right?
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I took a shower and got dressed. I twisted my hair into a side braid and made a mental note to maybe try to do something different with it one of these days.
After a quick breakfast, I decided I needed to go out and take a walk. I couldn’t stay held up in this apartment all day. If I stayed inside until the therapy session later this afternoon, I would likely put myself into a panic attack. So far, the last few days hadn’t been horribly bad. I knew an attack was coming—they always did. But until then, I’d keep pushing it back as long as possible.
Once outside, I lifted my head to the sky and took a deep breath. I held it in my lungs for a moment before letting it release. Not having a destination in mind, I began to walk down the sidewalk and take in all the stores that lined the street. It was definitely a tourist town with wide open doorways to each shop. There was a store for just about everything—clothing, candy, shoes, sunglasses, cell phones and more.
I passed each store, tempted to go in and explore. I wasn’t too afraid since Dominic had taken me to Target that one time, but it was still a step too far out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t ready to push my anxiety to the brink.
Losing track of time, I walked one side of the sidewalk, then the other. I took my time, putting one foot in front of the other. I stopped when I passed a coffee cart that was set up alongside the road.
After looking at the menu, I ordered the special of the day. When the barista told me the price, I handed over my debit card. It didn’t take long for the drink to be made and my card back in my hands. I gave a small smile of thanks and moved out of the way for the next person.
A thrilled smile lit my face when it hit me: I’d ordered something all on my own without an ounce of anxiety. Maybe being here really would help.
Checking before crossing the street, I walked along the crosswalk and took a sip of the warm drink. I wrinkled my nose at the blueberry mixture. I wouldn’t be trying this one again anytime soon.
I wasn’t sure I’d be going to the counseling session held weekly with a group of others, but the idea was there. Dr. Mayes had hinted that the sessions were more to give people an activity to occupy some time than to just sit around in a circle and talk. She felt that having friends with similar experiences helped heal someone more than just trying to push things to the back of one’s mind.
It sounded interesting, but wasn’t sure it would be something I’d take part in more than once. Lost in thought, I rounded the corner inside the apartment building. A gush of air escaped my parted lips as, once again, a human form hit me head-on. My coffee cup slipped through my fingers, crashing to the floor.
“Fudge! Let me buy you a new one.”
“That’s okay. I wasn’t a fan of it anyhow,” I said. It was the same girl as the day before. This time, her hair was a bit more crazy as it fell from her bun atop her head.
“I am so, so sorry. Again. We have got to stop meeting like this. I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose. It’d help if I would get off the phone and pay attention to where I’m going. Or maybe I should remember I have a new neighbor as sneaky as a cat. I’m not used to having someone up at the same time as I am these days on this level. Actually, I’m not sure anyone else lives on this floor. I’ve never taken the time to figure that out.” She paused, taking in a deep breath. How was she able to get so many words out in such little time?
I stood there, at a loss for words. I’m sure my eyes were wide as she went on.
“Anyhow, we should so hang out together sometime. It has to be fate if we keep running into one another like this. Like, literally. I mean, I’ve never ran into someone twice like I have you. Although, there was this one boy, but let’s not go there. I’m so sorry. I’ve been really rude, too. My name is Sawyer. I tend to be a bit of the rambling type.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said, not sure she even heard me as she took another deep breath. She was certainly something else.
“I’m so glad I won’t be alone up here now. I don’t even know your name.”
She paused, waiting for me to answer. It took me a moment to get my name out, and it wasn’t as strong as I hoped it would be when it passed my lips.
“Awesome!” she said, bouncing in place. “Okay, well I gotta skedaddle. But I’ll see you around, Scarlett!”
Then, another repeat, she was gone as quickly as she appeared.
Shaking my head, I finished my way to my apartment with a small smile on my face.
I barely shut the door behind me when my phone sounded with an alert.
Without thinking, I opened the text message, and my heart froze in my chest before taking off twice as fast.
You can’t hide forever.
I t was too quiet and too loud at the same time. I could hear each lungful of air I breathed in. My racing heart beat in my ears like a drum. My knees bounced; my body hunched over them as I sat on the couch. My chest pinched as I gasped out each breath.
Fuck!
I squeezed my eyes tight, rocking back and forth as I willed the panic to ease off. My head was swimming in circles as I fought to come back to the surface.
Without conscious thought, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed the last person I had texted. It took a few tries to get my fingers to cooperate with me. It didn’t help that I could hardly see through blurry eyes.