I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant, and my baby’s father is in another country. Not only that, but I ran out on him. If I thought my regret those first few weeks was heavy, it’s now sitting on my shoulders as if it were the weight of the world. I’ve screwed everything up, and to make matters worse, he’s gone for a year. That means I’m a single mom for a good few months and through this entire pregnancy. And what if he hates me? I’ll be a single mom for life.
As soon as I figured it out, I knew there was no question as to whether I would keep this baby. He or she is a part of me. And a part of Hudson. I place my hands against my belly. There’s a tiny little human living inside me. More tears fall as my heart swells with love for this little miracle.
“Mommy loves you,” I whisper. Regardless of anything else, this baby is everything. I know that I need to take the test, and I need to write Hudson a letter to let him know. It’s not exactly something you want to tell someone in a letter, but then again, it’s better. This way, I don’t have to see his hate or his anger at me or our new situation. Hudson is a good guy. One of the best I’ve ever known. He might not want me, but I know him. He’s going to want to be in his child’s life.
A knock sounds at the door. “Riley?” Raven’s soft voice greets me. “Are you okay in there?”
Pulling in one more slow, even breath, I plaster a smile on my face and open the door. “I’m good,” I assure her.
She studies me for several heartbeats, and I start to squirm. “We better get back to work.”
“Margaret’s gone, and neither of our next appointments has arrived yet.”
“Oh.”
“When were you going to tell me?” She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. That look reminds me so much of our mother, and another wave of crippling sadness washes over me. My baby will never know his or her grandparents. We lost them too young. We were eight when Dad passed in a farming accident. I don’t know the details. I was young, and honestly, back then, I didn’t want to know. All that I knew was that my daddy wasn’t ever coming home.
When we were nineteen, we lost our mom to a heart attack. It was sudden and devastating. My hands instinctively go to my belly.
“Riles,” Raven says with tears in her eyes. “You’re pregnant?”
I shrug and nod at the same time. “I don’t know for sure, but I think so.” I don’t have time to say anything else before my sister’s arms are wrapped around me in a fierce hug.
“Talk to me, sissy,” she whispers, and my heart cracks open.
I want to tell her everything, but something is holding me back. I can’t tell her what I did. I can’t tell her that I seduced her best friend when he was drunk at his going-away party, and now here I am six weeks later with a parting gift he left behind. I just can’t seem to make the words move past my lips.
“Do you need me to drive you to Jessup to tell him?”
My eyes widen, not from her offer but from her assumption that this is my random date’s baby. “No.” I shake my head. “I need to take a test and see what it says and make a doctor’s appointment. I don’t know for sure.”
“I’ll run out and buy a test.” She turns to do just that, but I call out to stop her.
“Raven!” She stops and turns to look at me over her shoulder. “I don’t need you to go buy a test. I have like twenty already at my place.”
“Why have you not taken them?”
I shrug. Not willing to give her my truth. Not yet. “I don’t know.”
“Well, after work, we’re going straight there, and you’re going to piss on a stick, and we’re going to face this together.” A slow smile lights up her face. “I’m going to be an aunt.”
“Probably,” I reply.
“I love you, little sister.” She takes a few steps toward me and hugs me tight. “I’ve got you. Us Burke girls have to stick together.” The bell over the door chimes, and she pulls away. “Take a few minutes to get yourself together. I’ll see you out there.”
I nod and watch as she walks away. I need to find a way to tell my sister the truth. First, I need to get through this workday, take the test, and write the hardest letter I’m ever going to write in my entire life. I place my hand over my belly and will the tears not to fall.
“I’m so sorry, Hudson,” I whisper before turning off the light and getting back to work.
CHAPTER 12
Hudson
Today was a long, hot, grueling day. I’m drained and exhausted. That’s why when Clayton and some of the others asked me to join them around the bonfire for a beer or two, I declined. Instead, I’m lying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling, thinking about Riley. It’s been three months today since we arrived, and although my anger is fading, my need for her is still as strong as ever.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve considered going to Peter or Rodney over the past three months and telling them that I need to go home. My need to see her, to fight for her, and for us is so fucking strong.
The only thing that’s stopping me is that I made a commitment. Well, that and the fact that each passing day my anger for her ghosting me disappears into the abyss, and the fact that I miss her so much my chest physically aches. Sure, I miss Raven too. She’s my best friend, and then the rest of our friend group, and my parents, but none of them cause this ache deep in the center of my soul like Riley does.
Reaching into my bag under my bed, I grab my journal and a pen, then get comfortable. My mother is a genius for sending this along with me. It’s helped so much. Putting pen to paper, I begin to write.
Riley,
It’s been three months since I’ve laid eyes on you. That’s ninety days, twelve weeks, and I won’t bore you with the hours or the minutes even though I know them too.
I miss you.
I miss your smile and the way your nose scrunches up just slightly when you laugh. I miss the sound of your voice. I can hear you in my head, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as hearing you in person. I miss the feel of your skin beneath my fingertips and the taste of your lips. I just… I miss you, Riles.
There is a hole in my chest with your name on it. We work sunrise to sunset most days, and it’s long and hot and grueling at times, but even when I work myself to the bone, I can’t stop thinking about you. The ache never goes away.
I didn’t know it was possible to hurt like this. To love someone so deeply that your body aches when they’re not near. I want to hold you close and whisper how much I love you, but I’m here, and you’re at home, so this will have to do.
I love you, Riley. I want to be with you. I want a life with you, and I just fucking miss you. With each day, my need for you grows stronger. I can’t explain it. It’s intense and tangible. I wish I was there with you. I wish I wouldn’t have let your rejection of my kiss fuel me to sign up for this trip. I’ve committed to a year, and although with every day that passes I think about calling it quits and coming home to you, I stay. I’m a man of my word, and that’s important to me. Please understand that you are important to me too. This was all bad timing and a spur-of-the-moment decision for me.