Remove the foil from the roast and serve with the veggies and gravy.
Use leftovers for tacos, sandwiches, etc.
Wait, what leftovers?
Enjoy.
CHICKEN PARMESAN
DIFFICULTY: If you’re Italian, not at all. If you’re not, it’s about as tough as making a cup of coffee
TIME: 1 hour and 10 minutes, most of which you’ll be free
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A 13x9 casserole dish, a large skillet, a spatula, a pair of tongs, a small mixing bowl, 4 plates, a cutting board, and rolling pin.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Salt. Pepper. Basil. Between 2-4 large boneless chicken breasts, depending on how many you’re feeding. A cup of panko breadcrumbs. Half a cup of flour. Olive oil. RAO’S Marinara. 8 oz. shredded Mozzarella. A cup of grated Parmesan. Sliced Provolone cheese (not a must, but if you have it, great). 2 Eggs. Saran Wrap.
This is one of those things that I fucked with and fucked with to try and get it right. One of my favorite restaurant foods, but at home, it was shit.
Now, at 55 years old, I’m happy with the recipe. I figured it out long before the internet was available (by finally asking an Italian cook).
It’s sad that it took so long, but it was worth it.
Slice your breasts in half through the largest part of the chicken (with the breast placed flat on the countertop, slice from left to right).
This will yield 2 pieces of chicken, roughly equal in size. If your breasts aren’t HUGE, skip this step.
Lay the section of breast on the cutting board. Cover with Saran Wrap. Using the rolling pin, beat the absolute fuck out of the chicken, making certain the rolling pin is flat when it comes into contact with the meat (imagine the meat is that one ex of yours that was a shit hat).
Beat it until it’s roughly 1-1/2 times the size it started out as, or 1/2" thick all over. Set the flattened breast onto one of the clean plates.
Repeat until you’ve beaten them all into this shape.
Beat the two eggs in the mixing bowl. With a fork, not the rolling pin.
Pour a layer of Panko crumbs onto a plate. Mix in 1/2 a cup of parmesan cheese.
Pour a layer of flour onto a plate (if you have a flour sifter, forget this step).
Either sift flour onto each side of the breast or lay each side in the flour.
Dip breast into the beaten eggs.
Lay each side of the breast flat onto the crumbs. Press the meat down making sure entire breast is covered thoroughly.
When you’re done, set the crumb covered breasts on the only plate that’s clean, making sure not to touch the edges of the plate with your nasty hands.
Wash your hands.
Heat 1/2” of olive oil in the skillet over medium high heat. If you don’t have olive oil, use what you have.
Preheat oven to 450.
Cook the chicken breasts in oil, flipping once, for 4 minutes. That’s 2 minutes a side for the math challenged.
Place the chicken breasts in the casserole dish from left to right. By now you know how a casserole dish is positioned, so I won’t go there.
If you have the provolone, bend the slices in half and break them into 2 pieces. Lay the 2 pieces onto the top of each breast. If you don’t have them, that’s fine.
Cover each breast with about 3 tablespoons of RAO’S. Don’t go nuts, there’s more for later if you like it that way.
Sprinkle each breast with mozzarella (on top of the sauce). Sprinkle with a little parmesan. Sprinkle with a little basil.
Bake at 450 for 20 minutes.
Plate and enjoy.
These go well with spaghetti, sauce, and the meatballs listed earlier in this section. Cooked this way, these are crispy, crunchy, and perfect. Depending on each person’s personal desire, they might want a little more sauce with them.
The spaghetti with sauce gives that option.
No matter how you eat them, you’ll agree. They’re great.
Enjoy.
EASY STUFFED CHICKEN BREASTS
DIFFICULTY: Ever rolled a joint?
TIME: An hour.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large skillet, a saucepan, a spatula, a whisk, a pair of tongs, a small mixing bowl, 4 plates, a cutting board, cookie sheet, wire rack, and a rolling pin.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Between 2-4 large boneless chicken breasts, depending on how many you’re feeding. 2 cloves of garlic. 2 eggs. Salt. Pepper. Onion powder. Garlic powder. Paprika. A stick of butter. 8 pieces of Swiss cheese. 8 slices of deli ham. Panko breadcrumbs. Half a cup of flour. 2 cups whole milk. Dijon Mustard. A cup of grated parmesan. Saran Wrap. Wooden toothpicks (maybe). A cup of vegetable oil.
Mash and chop the 2 cloves of garlic into a finely chopped mess. Dump into your saucepan. Toss in the 1/2 a stick of butter. Set it on a burner away from where you anticipate you’ll be cooking the chicken, but within reach.
Preheat the oven to 300.
Put the wire rack inside the cookie sheet tabs down (remember the bacon we cooked earlier?)
Set rack/pan aside.
Beat the shit out of the breasts as described in the last recipe. In case you forgot, put them on the cutting board, cover them with Saran Wrap, and beat the fuck our of them with the flattened rolling pin.
Salt and pepper each one. Place them on a clean plate.
Beat 2 eggs in the mixing bowl.
When you’re done, grab the ham and cheese.
Lay 2 slices of ham and 2 slices of cheese onto the flattened breast, cheese first. Roll the breast up like you’re making a pinwheel until it’s all rolled up neatly. If you’re a fumbly-fingered fucker, pin everything in place with a toothpick.
Generally, it’s not necessary.
Add a teaspoon of onion powder, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a teaspoon of paprika, a few twists of pepper, and a little salt to a 1/2 cup of flour. Mix well.
Dust each rolled-up breast with flour or roll in flour.
Now, dip it in the eggs.
Roll it in the breadcrumbs.
Place them all on the clean plate, being careful not to touch the clean plate with your chicken-covered hands.
Wash your hands.
Dump 1-1/2” of oil in the skillet. Heat the to medium high.
Using the tongs, place the rolled-up chicken breasts in the oil about 3 at a time, depending on the size of the skillet. 4 might fit, if you’re skillet’s large.
Reach over and turn the saucepan on low, low, low (remember, the one with the butter in it?).
Cook each rolled up breast until they’re golden brown (roughly 5-7 minutes a side), turning once with the tongs (this time will change somewhat depending on the depth of oil, and thickness of the “roll” you’re cooking).
Please, resist the urge to fuck around rolling them in the oil. All this will do is remove the wonderful coating.
As soon as they’re done, set the breasts on the wire rack and place the pan/rack in the oven. This isn’t to cook them, just to keep ‘em warm.
Turn the saucepan to medium. Add 3 tablespoons of flour to the melted butter and whisk it smooth.
Add 3 cups of whole milk to the saucepan, a little at a time, whisking to keep smooth. Simmer and whisk until it thickens.
Add 4 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard.
Whisk.
Add a cup of grated parmesan.
Whisk.
When the parmesan melts (2 minutes or less), remove it from the stove.