Using the kitchen scissors, cut the bacon into 1” pieces (three slices of cut up bacon per burrito). Toss the bacon chunks into one of the skillets. Cook at medium heat until they’re done to your liking.
Remove the bacon from grease. Place the cooked bacon on a paper towel lined plate.
Crack 3 eggs per burrito into the mixing bowl. Add a tablespoon of whole milk per 3 eggs that you’ve cracked. Add a little salt and a little pepper. Just a little.
Add a tablespoon of butter to your clean skillet. Heat to medium.
While the skillet is coming up to temperature, beat the eggs for 45-60 seconds. 60 seconds might seem like an eternity, but please do this. You’ll love me for it, really.
Add beaten eggs to the heated skillet.
When the center bubbles and appears to begin to cook, pull the eggs from the edges to the center with the rubber spatula.
Raw eggs will migrate to the edges. As the center cooks, repeat, pulling eggs from the edges to the center and then pushing outward.
Don’t chop them. Don’t stir them. For now, just do this. Edge to center. Edge to center.
When the eggs are cooked enough that they aren’t running to the edges any longer, flip them over in chunks, repeatedly (focus on any undercooked chunks). Don’t let anything sit for very long in one place.
When the eggs are cooked, but have a LITTLE sheen to them, remove the skillet from the heat. Continue flipping the eggs to prevent overcooking.
For future reference, this is the perfect scrambled egg. Sadly, we’re putting these perfectly cooked fuckers in a burrito.
*sigh*
Dump the eggs onto the plate beside your bacon.
Scrape the skillet semi-clean with the spatula. Return the skillet to medium heat.
Add 2 tablespoons butter to the skillet. Slice two more small chunks of butter but leave them with the stick of butter. Keep the butter close.
Add a liberal amount of grated sharp cheddar to the tortilla.
Assuming you’re cooking for 2, scrape half the eggs on top of the cheese, situating them in a big fat line. Add half the bacon on top of the eggs. Don’t mix it in with the eggs or try to do anything fancy, just put the bacon on top of the eggs in a somewhat orderly fashion.
Roll the tortilla into a fat fucking burrito, leaving the loose tortilla edges (seam) UP. If you did this right, it will also be bacon up.
Turn the skillet to just above medium (almost medium high).
Holding the burrito in a fashion that allow you to secure the 2 loose edges, place it in the skillet loose edges (seam) down, at the twelve o’clock position. Place the other burrito at six o’clock.
Cook each of them on this side for 3 minutes (or until the cooked edge is brown and crisp). Just before flipping them, add a small slice of butter at the three o’clock and nine o’clock position.
When flipping, slide your spatula beneath the burrito, being careful not to slide it between the seams. By now this side (the down side) of the burrito will be crispy, so it shouldn’t be difficult to lift without fucking it up.
Secure the burrito onto the spatula with your free hand.
Lift, and flip onto other side, placing one burrito at the three o’clock and one at the nine o’clock position.
Grill for another 3 minutes.
Remove, and place on a clean plate. Slice diagonally. Serve with condiments of choice.
Short of biscuits and gravy, this has to be the best breakfast, ever.
Enjoy.
AVOCADO TOAST
TIME: 6- and one-half minutes
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A fork, 2 mixing bowls (small), a cutting board, and a paring knife.
What you’ll need from the pantry: An avocado (one for each four slices of toast). Dave’s Killer Bread 21 Whole Grains and Seeds (two slices per order). Ripe cherry tomatoes (You can substitute Romas if you prefer). Salt. Pepper. Dried Basil. Garlic powder. Butter. Lemon juice (bottled is fine). EXTRA VIRGIN olive oil.
I’ve been eating avocado toast since before you were born. Long before avocado toast became a staple at every fucking coffee shop and/or hippie restaurant in the country, that’s for sure.
It seems since the avocado toast invasion that came in the 10th year after the new millennium, people (and places) have been trying to make it into something it’s not.
They put salmon on it, meat on it, bacon on it, cream cheese on it. Hell, one coffee shop in Seattle had a fucking list of “toppings’ for it (like it was an ice cream sundae).
Avocado toast is not sex. Simplistic is fantastic (in the toast, not sex).
No matter how you like yours, try mine. I think you’ll like it. It’s a mid-day snack for me. Jess and I eat about 200 avocados a year.
This toast is why.
Mike Ripton (from the UN Series of books) ate this shit 10x a week. It’s how he kept his body fat percentage so low.
Here we go…
Holding the avocado in your palm with the small part in the web of your thumb and the fat part in your palm, slice around the perimeter with your paring knife (from the stem to the bottom and then back up) making the initial slice and the end slice meet.
Twist the two halves away from one another.
The avocado will break in two along the cut line, leaving half of the avocado in one hand and half in the other.
Turn them up and look at them both. One of the two halves will have the seed.
Smack the sharp edge of the paring knife into the edge of the seed. Twist the knife handle from side to side. The seed will come free.
Discard the seed.
Set one half of the avocado aside. Keep the knife.
Split the tough outer skin with the knife at the stem, about ½” long. Using this edge, peel away the skin, entirely. Toss the peeled avocado in the mixing bowl. Repeat on the other half.
Salt and pepper the avocado liberally. Add a teaspoon of lemon juice per avocado. Using the fork, smash this mixture and mix it together. Don’t pulverize it into peanut butter, but don’t leave nickel-sized chunks, either.
Just smash and mix well.
Set aside.
Chop tomatoes into small chunks (or slice in two). You’ll want almost a 1/4 of a cup per slice of toast. Almost. Add a light tablespoon (roughly) of olive oil per 1/4 cup of tomatoes. Add a teaspoon of basil (per 1/4 cup). Mix well.
Toast 2 slices of Dave’s Killer Bread per order (one avocado is 4 slices).
Butter lightly. LIGHTLY.
Sprinkle a little garlic powder on the toast. A fucking little. We’re not making garlic toast. This ingredient is a must, but it’s a must that you don’t overdo it.
Now, at this juncture, you’re probably asking yourself this: I wonder why he didn’t go with fresh garlic in the avocado mixture?
Well, garlic tends to overpower the avocado. We’re making avocado toast, remember, not garlic toast. This way you have two distinct flavors. Garlic, and avocado. Not Garlicado.
Lay the bread flat on a plate, buttered side up. Spread the avocado mixture on the buttered toast.
Spread the tomato mixture on top of the avocado.
Distribute to the recipients at two slices per order.
DO NOT slice it. Not side to side or corner to corner.
Avocado toast is to be eaten whole.
Leave the pretty shit for the Gen Z coffee shops.
It’s simple, but it’s good.
Enjoy.