HAWAIIAN PORK AND PIMENTO CHEESE
TIME: 14 minutes.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large skillet, a mixing bowl, a fork, and a spatula.
What you’ll need from the pantry: leftover pulled pork. King’s Hawaiian Sweet Rolls. A 4-ounce jar of pimentos. An 8-ounce block of cream cheese. Mayonnaise. 2 cups of grated extra sharp cheddar (not finely shredded, GRATED. We want big chunks. And, make sure it’s extra sharp. Only if you have no other alternative are you to use sharp). Onion powder. Garlic Powder. Cayenne pepper powder. Sliced pickles.
Pulled pork and pimento sliders are similar to avocado toast in many respects. They’ve been done so many different ways (especially in the south) that the slider market is saturated with trashy-tasting sandwiches that have a fucked-up texture from all the added-on shit.
This is not that sandwich.
Most of what I make that has a hint of the south in it is an old school recipe that came from the south (my family had roots there in the early 1800s, and it’s where my grandmother’s grandmother cooked her meals). She taught my grandmother’s mother, who, in turn, taught my grandmother.
My grandmother and my father taught me.
Make note of this: My mother can cook ANYTHING from scratch. Anything. She, too, learned from my grandmother (her mother-in-law). It just so happened that I preferred watching my grandmother cook when I was a kid. Maybe it’s that she was available, because I was over there on the weekends, I don’t know.
First, we need the spread. You can buy it, but that’s utterly ridiculous.
I suggest this. When you reach this point, make the pimento spread and then wait 2-3 days to make the sandwiches. The spread keeps in the fridge for nearly an eternity, so there’s no worries about anything spoiling.
The flavor will be spot-on if you wait. If you don’t, it’ll be substandard (but damned good).
Using a fork, mix a 1/2 a cup of Mayonnaise (Hellman’s is my suggestion) with an 8-ounce package of softened cream cheese in a large mixing bowl.
To soften your cream cheese, remove the foil, put it on a plate, and cook in microwave for 15 seconds. Wait 5 seconds. Do it again. Repeat until softened. 4x is normally good, but remember, my microwave is HOT.
Mix the softened cream cheese and mayo thoroughly, folding the cream cheese into the mayonnaise until smooth. Add the pimentos (the entire jar). Mix well. Really well.
Add a 1/4 teaspoon of onion powder, a 1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder, and 1/2 a teaspoon of cayenne powder. Continue folding it together until it’s mixed thoroughly. Lastly, add the 2 cups of grated extra sharp cheddar cheese.
Depending on your preference, you may need to add another tablespoon or two of mayonnaise. Just remember, it’s a cheese spread, not a mayonnaise sauce. The thickest you can have it and still spread it is your goal. So, I guess I’m saying to try and refrain from adding additional mayo.
When it’s mixed to perfection, taste it on a cracker.
Remember it. Burn the flavor into your brain. Spoon the mixture into a Tupperware container and refrigerate.
Go do something for 3 days.
In fact, binge read the Filthy Fuckers Series. It’s a total of seven books, each of which has a great story, a happily-ever-after ending, and a ton of intimacy. Individually, the books are remarkable. Bikers with attitudes, warm hearts, and big…uhhm…
Anyway, read the books. As a series, the books tell one hell of a tale. Individually, the stories are unforgettable.
HARD, ROUGH, DIRTY, RIGID, NUTS, and THICK. Need I say more? His Rules is the spin-off. It’s about a cop, not a biker. He has one thing in common with them, though. He’s got a big…
Gun.
He also has a 30-day no sex rule.
Wait. What?
After you’re done with the series, make sure you’ve got pork. If not, cook some per the previous recipe.
Look at the calendar. If it’s been 3 days, great. If not, read Brawler. It’s a story about a female boxer who overcomes tremendous odds and fights her way toward a championship. It’s heartwarming and sexy.
When you’re done reading Brawler, get the pimento spread out of the fridge. Taste it on a cracker.
See the difference?
Yeah, I thought so.
Grab your Hawaiian buns. Spread a healthy wad of pimento spread on the bottom half of the bun. Put a thick wad of warm pork on top of the spread. Add a few pickles. Put the top on.
Serve in groups of three.
If you’re a southerner, you’ll want to add shredded cabbage. Go ahead. It’s fucking good.
One of the times when you’re making the above pimento spread, add a finely chopped jalapeno. Be sure to let it sit for a while (3-4 days) before using. See how you like it. I love it. Jess hates it (but she likes the original).
Enjoy.
SECTION SIX
SIDE DISHES
Pasta Salad with Bacon
Parmesan Cauliflower
Foil Potatoes
Bacon Deviled Eggs
Skillet Fried Brussel Sprouts with Bacon
Cabbage and Bacon
Broccoli and Bacon Salad
PASTA SALAD WITH BACON
DIFFICULTY: By now you can say, “Ben there, done that.” Just don’t say it near me.
TIME: 20 minutes
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A stock pot. A colander. A big serving bowl. A small bowl. A plastic spoon. Kitchen scissors. A Sharp knife. A rubber spatula.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Two cups of uncooked elbow macaroni. Generally, this is an 8-ounce box. Salt. Olive oil. A big stalk of celery. 3 scallions (green onions). Half a cup of Hellman’s mayonnaise, plus a tablespoon. 2 teaspoons of granulated sugar, 1 teaspoon of dried parsley, 1/2 a teaspoon of salt, 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar, 3 tablespoons of sour cream. 2 teaspoons of black pepper (freshly ground) and 3/4 of a teaspoon of dry mustard. 4 strips of bacon. A cup of grated cheddar cheese.
Cook the four slices of bacon until it’s well done, but not crunchy. Cut into pieces (about the size of your index fingernail) with kitchen scissors.
Set aside.
Slice the celery stalk lengthwise into slivers the width of your pinky finger. Then, slice those slivers in half. Chop all of the slivers into little squares. Basically, finely chop the celery.
Set aside.
Cut the tips off the scallions. Throw them away (the tips, not the scallions). Chop the scallions into as thin of a slice as you’re able, only using the white portion of the onion. Pile them up. Chop with a sharp knife until fine.
Stir the chopped celery, scallions, and a teaspoon of dried parsley into the macaroni and mix well.
Put half a cup of mayonnaise plus another teaspoon, a teaspoon of olive oil, 2 teaspoons of sugar, a 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 3/4 of a teaspoon of dry mustard, 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, and 3 tablespoons of sour cream in the small bowl.
Mix well.
Using the rubber spatula, mix the salad dressing you’ve made into the pasta. Fold in the cup of cheddar cheese and mix well.
When it’s all mixed well, add the bacon pieces and give it one last stir or two.
Add salt and pepper once the dish is on the plate to suit your personal taste.
Serve with sandwiches, pulled pork, burgers, or eat it alone.