Starting and ending with, “I love you.”
My heart continued to beat outta my chest, and sweat pooled at my temples.
I was jonesing.
I was jonesing, so fuckin’ bad.
Dealing with my internal struggle of losing the best thing I ever had.
Journey.
I closed my eyes, trying with every fiber of my being to get ahold of my emotions.
Don’t do it, Cash. Alcohol ain’t the answer.
My longing to relapse was running deep...
Taunting me.
Baiting me.
Like a loaded gun to my fuckin’ head.
I didn’t know how long I sat there on the couch in my room, battling the urge to drink. Trying to come to terms with the fact my mother had emailed me.
Reached out, starting with an apology.
The truth hit me harder. Only beating me belligerently with each second that passed. It was a slap of reality that made me doubt all the choices I had made.
Bailey.
I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes just thinking of my little girl. Knowing things would have been different, if I had the support of my mother. I thought I was alone.
I wasn’t.
My hands trembled as I opened the laptop again, instantly clicking on the first email she’d written.
My baby boy,
I don’t know if you will ever read this, but as your mother, I have to try. I’ve spent every night since you left crying myself to sleep. I can’t think about anything other than you. I’m scared for you, worried for you, completely devastated for you. The night of the award ceremony I had a bad feeling I couldn’t shake. When you didn’t show up to support your father, I felt it in my heart. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it came down like a bomb over our heads.
Your song.
The hurt in your voice.
The pain in your face.
It haunts my dreams.
You haunt my dreams.
There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I think about it all the time. It wasn’t right, what happened that night. I know that now. I’m terrified it might be too late to tell you how sorry I am to have put you through that.
I love you.
I’ve made mistakes, and so have you. I want to move past it, Cash. All your father and I have ever wanted was what was best for you. They don’t hand out books on how to raise your children. You do the best you can. Day in and day out. One day when you have your own kids you’ll understand what it means to unconditionally love them. No matter what.
I need you, Cash. I need my boy.
I never meant to push you away. I was just so upset you showed up drunk and high, and I know that’s not my boy, my son, the child I gave birth to and raised. It wasn’t you. It was like a stranger was staring back at me. I reacted out of fear of what could have happened if you would’ve gotten in a car accident or worse... Died.
I can’t even think about that. It makes me physically ill. I’m so sorry, baby. For everything. I want to make things right. Please, if you read this, call me. I’ll be waiting by the phone, no matter where you are or what time...
I’m here for you.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
The dagger lodged in my heart twisted a little more. I willed my body and mind to stop reading these emails. To walk the fuck away. To go find comfort in Journey. I didn't need to read this, not now when I was struggling to stay sober.
But the bottle might as well have been in my hand and the contents down my throat.
Things were much clearer now. The truth. It spun around and around in an endless cycle over the last twelve years. Replaying on repeat as if I were a broken record, and my life was a sad ballad.
All these years...
I wanted to call her and tell her how much I loved her.
How much I thought about her.
Dreamt about her.
How hollow I felt on the inside ’cuz I missed my mother. How I debated so many damn times to break down and
reach out, just to hear her voice, see her face, feel her love.
I scrolled through the emails, reading subject after subject...
I miss you.
Where are you?
I had a bad dream about you.
Please tell me you’re okay.
My inbox was full of similar emails from her, one overlapping the other. I fought with all my thoughts, all my emotions. Sentiment after sentiment pulling me under.
My breathing rapid.
My heart pounding.
My mind battling.
I didn’t know which way was up or down. Dragging me further through the path of my own destruction.
My body shaking.
My heart breaking.
My world coming apart.
Shattering into a million pieces. I couldn’t keep up with the turmoil, the devastation, the consequences of my actions.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Until I landed on the email that read, We’re having problems.
Hey baby,
I’ve spent the last two years writing you with no response. It’s weird because this is the only place I still feel connected to you. Despite never hearing a reply or receiving a call, it still gives me peace to write you. Despite it all.
Your father and I are having our ups and downs. Part of me can’t forgive him for making you run away. I miss you more and more every day. It feels like I can’t breathe, Cash. Like you took my heart, my soul, my life right along with you. I worry about you all the time. It doesn’t matter that Harley says you’re alright. I still feel like you need me. I mourn you like you passed away and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
My biggest fear is that I’ll never see you again. It’s not fair. I hate living like this, going on without seeing your face. Your dad isn’t the same. He hasn’t been since you left. Our marriage is in a shaky place, and I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive him, but I can’t because it feels like I’m betraying my only son. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I feel like I’m dying day after day.
I need you.
I need my baby boy.
I love you, Cash.
I hope you remember that when you’re feeling alone. Please write me. Please. I love you more than anything in this world.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
I bowed my head in such shame and remorse with tears streaming down the sides of my face. I felt everything.
Every word.
All her sadness and despair.
Once again starting and ending with, I love you.
I sat there trying to hold it together, knowing it didn’t matter. Nothing would be the same after this.
Journey. I needed my girl.
More subjects.
More emails.
More pain and sorrow.
Especially when I saw the name...
Bailey.
Click.
I know.
Two words. Bright and bold. Taking ahold of what was left of me.
I knew the minute I saw her through the window at the hospital. What happened, Cash? Where are you? Why aren’t you here? This is your daughter! Your blood! I raised you better than that! I raised you to be a man!
Who are you right now?
I want to believe you don’t know about her, but it’s obvious when I look into Harley’s eyes how much you hurt her. How much it’s hurting her without you here! She’s been a mess. I hardly recognize her anymore.
WHERE ARE YOU?!
Bailey needs you. She needs her father. I’m so ashamed of you right now. Are you reading this? Do you hear me? How could you do this? You better get your ass back here and be the man I raised! She’s your best friend! That’s your daughter! You do NOT abandon your child!