Don't make that mistake. Don't abandon your child. You will regret it for the rest of your life. I will forever regret missing precious years with you because I didn't step up and say or do something. It hurts so bad. I don't want that for you or Harley and Bailey."
Mom
Bailey flashed through my eyes, and I slammed the laptop shut.
Her eyes.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
My heart.
I needed to go.
To run.
To get away from the hell I’d created.
Hearing Journey shuffling around in the bathroom snapped me outta my trancelike state. I jolted off the couch and hauled ass. One foot in front of the other, I left behind the last good thing in my life. I didn’t look back.
Knowing all along, I was no good...
For. No. One.
Chapter 22
“Nothing in life is promised except death.”
-Kanye West
<>Journey<>
“Where is he?!” I screamed at the guys, at my wits’ end. “It’s been three days! Three fuckin’ days and Cash hasn’t come back! What happened?! Where did he go?!”
“Journey, you need to calm down,” Jude coaxed.
We were all standing around the living area of their tour bus with solemn expressions. I hadn’t slept in what felt like forever, and his bandmates looked the same. All I knew was the man I loved with all my heart and soul had left. I had no idea why. For the last three days I’d been racking my brain on where he could be and why he left me.
Was he drinking?
Drugging?
Down a dark alley?
What if he was hurt?
What if he got mugged or jumped?
Where the hell was he?
The more I thought about it, the more frustrated and scared I became. I wanted him to come back.
Home.
He was home to me.
After I got out of the shower, I waited for him all day on the couch. Anxious to see his handsome face.
To breathe him in.
To wrap my arms around him.
To feel his arms wrapped around me.
He never came back. The boys wouldn’t tell me anything, but I could tell by the expressions on their faces they knew why he left.
Me.
I woke up in the middle of the night still on the couch, waiting for him.
Nothing.
I was alone with nothing but darkness surrounding me. It was way worse than the last time I felt this way. I shut my eyes, trying not to think about any of that.
My life.
Our life.
Was nowhere to be found.
Did he not love me?
Was this too much for him?
Too fast?
My inner turmoil made me believe the insecurities eating away at me. What wasn’t there and maybe had never been.
I refused to think that.
I stayed on the bus, waiting. Falling in and out of pure panic, silently praying he would walk in, scoop me up into his strong arms, and take me to bed.
His bed.
Our bed.
The one we’d made love in time and time again.
No such luck.
Sleep finally took me under, only to wake up alone. For three days I thought and dreamt of nothing but him.
I didn’t talk to him.
See him.
Feel him.
No sign of him as if he had just disappeared into thin air.
There were no traces he’d come back.
Where was he?
I was going insane. No one had told me where he was when I asked. I tried calling his cell phone several times to no avail. It went straight to his voicemail, and his inbox was full. My texts all said undelivered. He hadn’t even read them.
He was shutting me out.
Why?
I was beyond restless, thinking maybe he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Maybe he regretted taking my virginity.
“I’m in love wit’ you, Junie.”
Those words rang in my head. It was how he told me he loved me. Never actually saying, “I love you.”
Why was he doing this to me?
To us?
Why didn’t he give me a choice to fight with him?
For him?
I gave up everything for Cash. Right down to Jackson, choosing Cash over my own flesh and blood.
Had I done or said something wrong?
I was going stir crazy, sitting on the couch every night just to wake up disappointed in the morning.
I was terrified.
I didn’t want to lose him.
“Calm down?! You want me to calm down when I haven’t seen or heard from the love of my life in three days!”
“We don’t—”
“No! Don’t give me that bullshit again! I know you’re lying to me!”
“We’re worried about him too,” Beck stated, nodding his head. “He’s not answering our calls either, but losing your shit on us isn’t going to bring him back any quicker.”
I swallowed hard, feeling like I was losing him all over again. “Has he done this before? Has he ever been gone this long?”
They all cautiously stared at each other.
“Please ... just tell me the truth.”
With a sincere expression on his face, Stixx nodded. Guilt instantly took ahold of him.
“Has he ever been gone longer than this?”
“Sometimes,” Jude whispered, loud enough for me to hear.
Beck added, “He doesn’t tell us where he goes or what he does when he disappears, but he always comes back, Journey. He loves you.”
“Does he?”
“Of course he does,” Stixx reaffirmed, and I didn’t know until that moment how much I needed to hear it from his family.
Fresh tears rimmed my eyes.
“Please don’t cry, pet. We won’t be able to handle it if you cry.”
“Beck.” I bowed my head, letting my tears flow loosely. “I just want him to come back.”
Jude pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. “We do too, Journey.”
I sniffled, feeling comfortable in his embrace. Beck rubbed the back of my head, and Stixx wiped away one of my tears.
“We could have an orgy,” Beck suggested, making me breathe out a chuckle.
“I don’t feel like dying today,” Jude responded in a playful tone.
“Yeah, Cash wouldn’t like that very much,” Stixx chimed in.
I knew they were all joking, just trying to make me laugh.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you guys.”
Jude reasoned, “Sometimes we deserve it.”
I gazed up at him. “You’re a good hugger.”
“Believe it or not, I’ve been told that before.”
Stixx asked, “Do you want to smoke a doobie?”
“No.”
“I want to smoke a doobie,” Beck retorted.
Jude and Stixx glared at him.
“What? She said no. I don’t want to say no. Weed makes everything better.”
I pulled away from Jude. “You guys can—”
“No,” Stixx interrupted. “We’re not going to leave you alone. Beck is just an insensitive fuck.”
“I resent that.”
I laughed, I could help it.
“We can watch a funny movie,” Jude suggested. “Make some popcorn. You know, do the Netflix and chill thing.”
“You know that means having sex, right?”
“So we are having an orgy?” Beck scratched his head. “Now I’m just bloody confused.”