We drowned together in his misery.
“Please talk to me,” I pleaded, rubbing my lips on the back of his neck. “Don’t push me away more than you already have.”
“Junie, I left so I wouldn’t have to.”
I frowned, closing my eyes. Needing a second to process what he said. I’d always felt as if I was a strong woman, although, in this moment, it was quite the opposite. Allowing my emotions to get the best of me, I cried into the nook of his neck and broke down.
“Junie, please...”
The sound of his voice did me in, only triggering my tears to flow more intensely, determined to make me fall apart with him.
We were better together, right?
“Where did you go? Why did you leave me? You promised you wouldn’t do that again.”
Gradually, he spun around and started kissing all over my face. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” he whispered in a soft, delicate tone.
“Please tell me what happened? Just let me in.”
“I have, Journey. I swear to you I have.”
“Then why did you run away?”
He ignored my question. “Where’s my girl? Hmm? Where’s my June?”
“Standing right here waiting for you to tell her the truth. Is it me, Cash? Is our relationship too much for you? Am I the problem?”
“Don’t ever say that again.”
“Then what’s going on?”
Silence.
His lips burned with the blaze of the sun. Cash was the ring of fire I was scorching in.
Looking up, I tried to stare deep into his eyes, but he wouldn’t let me. He kept moving his face.
“Were you with someone else?”
“Oh, come on, Junie. Give me more credit than that.”
“Cash, what else am I supposed to think when you won’t meet my eyes?”
“I fucked up, alright? I’m sorry. It ain’t you. It’s never you.”
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I wept.
He didn’t say a word, shutting me out and closing himself off to the devotion I had for him.
Around and around I went.
Who would have thought...
Our record would be this broken.
<>Cash<>
She stayed in my arms until the water was freezing and her skin turned a blue hue. Not once did she stop crying when I picked her up and cradled her in my arms like a baby. I laid her on the bed, soaking wet. Drenching her in the weight of my own guilt.
I didn’t know what to do. I should have let her go. Freed her from the chains of my past that were severed into my soul.
I wouldn’t.
I couldn’t.
Journey was music.
She was the air I breathed.
I did the only thing that made sense. I made love to her. Slow. Soft. Taking my time. Showing her through my physical touch how much I loved her.
Repeating over and over, “I’m sorry.”
I was.
For so many things.
My mother.
My family.
Harley.
Bailey.
Now her.
My June.
Just like Johnny, I tore her down with me.
’Cuz at the end of the day...
This was all I had to give.
Dear Diary,
Once upon a time...
There was a little girl who believed in fairy tales and happily ever afters.
Hoping.
Praying.
Waiting...
For her prince to come.
He would be strong. He would be fierce. He would be as handsome as a storybook character.
Her hero would be everything she ever wanted. Making sure she came first was his main priority. Together they’d conquer the world.
Slaying dragons and demons and villains.
Nothing could come between them until her Prince Charming found companionship down a liquor bottle.
He drank and drank and drank.
She cried and begged and prayed.
Though nothing ever got through to him. Her house made of glass became the home they stayed in. It didn’t matter how many rocks she threw with all her strength. It wasn’t enough to take down the addiction within him.
It only made him drink and drink and drink some more.
She couldn’t remember the last time she saw him sober.
Ninety days.
Twelve weeks.
Two thousand, one hundred, sixty hours.
Three months of nothing but sadness and darkness. Causing her to believe the two and a half months prior were just an illusion.
What happened to her hero? When did he become the villain? How could she let this happen?
She blamed herself for not being stronger, for enabling him to continue his antics. Play with her heart and stab it whenever he felt like it. She cried a river, an ocean, a world of tears. It didn’t matter. Her emotions only made him drink away her sorrow.
She hated him.
She loved him.
She couldn’t save him.
Oh, how naive and stupid was she to stay with him. Believing the lies he told her day after day, as if he was reciting poetry to her.
“I’m sorry.”
“I love you.”
Were five words she despised more than anything.
Where did she go wrong? How would she turn the page?
What once was a love story, turned into a tainted mockery. Hurting and killing her all at once.
Little by little her devotion to her prince turned into resentment. Seeing the world through his eyes was nothing but ugliness disguised as success.
Not one person told him no. They all fell to his feet, bowing down to the legend, but really the myth. His demons proved to be more important to him than his June was supposed to be. She was at her wits’ end, understanding the meaning of loving an alcoholic.
She jonesed for him.
He jonesed for whiskey.
Both burned and ached, and left you at their mercy.
How could she run away from the villain who owned her soul? How could she say goodbye to the hero who was lost inside the villain? How could she walk away from the happily ever after she still wanted with him?
How could she leave behind the love of her life, when all he was trying to do was bury them alive?
I didn’t know how much more I could take. I didn’t know who he was anymore. I didn’t know that love could be hate. There were so many things I didn’t know.
Especially, how to say no.
Sincerely,
Journey
Chapter 24
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.”
-Prince
<>Journey<>
“Goddamn it, Junie! What the fuck?!” Cash roared, slamming the door to our penthouse suite behind him.
I snapped around, throwing my bag somewhere. “Oh, Junie, Junie, Junie! What the fuck is right!”
“I give you everythin’ you want! You want to stay in a suite. We stay in the fuckin’ penthouse! You want to go shoppin’. I close down the entire mall! You want to go here or there. I get my private plane! Anythin’ you want! Everythin’ you ask for! I. Give. You. What more do you want from me?!”
“I want you, Cash! I just want you!”
“I’m standin’ right fuckin’ here! I’m right fuckin’ in front of you! I’m wit’ you every minute of every fuckin’ day unless I’m on stage! I haven’t left your side. I haven’t run away! I’m. Right. Here. Wit’. You!”