My eyes locked with Journey’s. “You got somethin’ to do wit’ this?”
“Maybe.” She smirked. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
I watched Journey walk inside, inhaling a deep, solid breath for what I knew was to come. I couldn’t believe Harley was here.
For me.
I stood there for a few seconds, before I made my way over to her. Instantly grateful she chose to stand at the other end of the facility, furthest away from everyone. With each step in her direction, I felt torn on what to say first and how to say it. I hadn’t spoken to my best friend since she told me she was pregnant. The last time I saw her was at Bailey’s birthday party, and we all know how that ended. My heart was pounding a mile a minute with each step I took. Not knowing what to expect, but knowing I could spend hours and days apologizing to her.
Harley, Jackson, and Bailey’s names were frequently brought up in my therapy sessions. There was so much I wanted to say to them, so much I needed them to hear.
No better time than the present, right?
Once I was standing in front of her, I slid my hands into the pockets of my hoodie and eyed her up and down. She looked beautiful as always. Older, more mature, but I could still see the girl I grew up with.
The one who wasn’t afraid to get dirty.
To cuss.
To stand up to anyone and speak her mind. Including, me.
My girl.
My family.
My best friend.
There was a familiar, yet unnerving way about how she was looking at me. We were both lost in each other, remembering all the good times and especially the bad. It lingered over us. Our friendship flew through her eyes, mirroring my expression.
Unable to hold back any longer, I was the first to break the silence. “Hey there.”
She nodded. “You look good, Cash.”
“I feel good. It’s amazin’ how quick you can forget what it’s like to feel normal. If that makes any sense.” I scoffed out a chuckle as I peered down at my shoes, kicking dirt around with my feet. “I’m a stumblin’ fool. I’m nervous.”
“It’s just me, Cash.”
Our eyes connected. “All the more reason.”
Neither one of us said a word. We stood there for a few minutes with our minds held captive by my bad decisions.
“Journey has told me a lot ’bout your recovery.” She brought it up first. “I’m glad you’re gettin’ help.”
“I swear she’s an angel in disguise. I didn’t know she talked to you ’bout me.” Rubbing the back of my neck, I tried relieving the tension forming. “It’s just another thing I gotta thank her for.”
“She loves you. She’s always loved you. You’re lucky to have her in your life.”
“I know. To be honest, I’m damn lucky to have our family in my life, after the shit I did to everyone.”
“No one stopped lovin’ you after you left, Cash.”
“Yeah, I realize that now. Not so much back then. I was a fuckin’ mess. There’s a lot I needed to sort out. I’m still workin’ through my steps, and I’ve been wantin’ to stop by and talk to you and Jackson. I just...” I shrugged. “I fucked up, Harley. Out of everyone, I fucked up wit’ you the most.”
“No shit!”
Our stares shot toward the person I least expected to see.
Jackson.
“Babe, please don’t,” Harley pleaded, her tone changing drastically.
“I could say the same to you,” he reprimanded. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“How’d you even know I was here?”
“I heard Journey talking to you about this piece of shit.”
“Jack—”
“I deserve that,” I firmly stated, standing my ground. “I deserve everythin’ you wanna throw my way, quarterback. I royally fucked up. I knew it then, and I know it now. I can’t change the past. Unhurt the people I love. I made shitty ass choices that damaged my family for over a decade, and I gotta live wit’ it. Move past it. I’ve spent too much time drownin’ in the consequences of my own destruction. I am my own worst enemy.”
“What do you want, Cash? Huh? You want everyone to feel bad for you? Give you another chance? I see through your bullshit. I don’t trust you with my wife’s heart. You weren’t there. You ran away like you always do. You didn’t see the havoc you wreaked on her life, our marriage, on your parents. The truth is you’re a selfish fuck, and I won’t let you hurt Harley again.”
“One of my biggest regrets is hurtin’ her, quarterback.” I paused then spoke with conviction, “You don’t know what I went through to push her away and into your arms.”
He jolted back. The impact of my words rendering him speechless. Narrowing his eyes at me, he questioned, “What?”
“You heard me. You want the truth?” I stepped up to his face. “I’ll tell you the fuckin’ truth. The night Harley came to tell me she was pregnant was the night that started my demise. I pushed her away like she was trash, like she meant nothin’. When she meant everythin’ to me. I hurt her. Betrayed her. I fuckin’ lied to her face. Destroyin’ our friendship, our love, our pact to always be there for one another` no matter the circumstances.”
“What?” Harley interjected, standing beside Jackson to face me and my truths. “What did you lie ’bout?”
“I told you I didn’t want the baby.”
Her eyes widened, taking in what I was sharing.
“I hurt you on purpose, Harley.”
“Why?”
“’Cuz I wanted better for you and our child. You saw where I lived. You knew what kinda life I was livin’. That was no place to raise a baby.” I looked back at Jackson. “I knew you loved her. I’ve known you’ve loved her since we were kids. You wanna know what else I knew?”
He didn’t say a word, paying close attention to all I was confessing.
“I always knew you were the better man between the two of us. I. Chose. You. I wanted you to raise our baby. I knew you’d do right by Harley. I knew you’d give ’em everythin’ they deserved. A roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their back. You would provide everythin’ I couldn’t. Love. Devotion. Security. I knew you’d step up and be there for ’em.” I pointed to myself. “All I wanted was for my kid to have the very best role model, hero, Father ... I knew wit’ everythin’ inside of me that man was you.”
His eyes widened, mirroring his wife’s. Shocked as shit with what I just admitted for the first time to anyone.
“The night you kicked my ass, I was waitin’ for it. I wanted you to hurt me. I deserved it and more. It didn’t matter, though, ’cuz I ended up hurtin’ myself the most. I drank, I drugged, I numbed every inch of my mind and body. Hidin’ from the truth. I missed out on seein’ Bailey grow up. Watch her take her first steps, say her first word, hear her call me ‘Daddy’.” I paused, needing a moment to gather my thoughts.
“I regret missin’ years of her life, Jackson, but don’t for one second think I regret choosin’ you to be her father. You’re her dad. I know that. I showed up at her birthday party to tell you I knew that. I ain’t here to take her away from you, or to tell her the truth about who I am. But I would like the chance to see her, get to know her, as an uncle, a family friend, whatever you choose to tell her. It makes no difference to me, I just wanna love her. Please let me.”