I ask myself the same thing on a daily basis. Trust me, I don’t get it either.
“Sure you’re good company, but you’re nothing special.” He grits out and my heart breaks further. Even the masochist in me has finally had enough. I felt my resolve crumbling with each verbal punch and now it’s non-existent. “Nothing special.”
“You can stop now,” I sniff and wipe my eyes with the inside of my sleeve. “You’ve said enough.”
His breath seems to catch in his throat and his hands tighten on the wheel. I stare out of the window, watching the scenery blur by as a heavy silence lingers between us. He says nothing else. I don’t want him to say anything. I just want to leave.
I’ve had enough now.
I don’t deserve this.
We drive home in total silence, the tension as thick as syrup lingering in the air leaving a bad taste in my mouth. The urge to vomit is prominent. As soon as we pull over outside the house, I climb from the car and walk towards the door. Nathan swiftly follows and unlocks it, his strides longer and more confident than my own so he beats me easily.
I’m not about to try and outrun him. I don’t have the energy.
“Gwen,” he says, his tone a lot softer than it was. I ignore him and immediately ascend the stairs. He follows, hot on my heels. “Gwen.” His tone is more urgent this time.
Stomping into my bedroom I try to slam the door behind me, but it doesn’t slam as he catches it with one hand.
“Gwen.” his voice is quiet, softer than I’ve ever heard it. I hear the remorse there, I feel the remorse there, but it’s too late.
Grabbing my suitcase, I throw it on the bed and begin yanking clothes out of my closet.
“Gwen,” he repeats, ducking as a shoe flies by his head.
When he sees I have no more shoes to throw out of the closet, he steps towards me, his hand circling my wrist. I don’t look up at him. I stare straight ahead at the row of clothes, ironed and hanging on the single rail.
“I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you.” He steps even closer, his chest now only two inches from my arm. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” I laugh once and angrily wipe the tears from my eyes. “What’s to forgive?”
“Gwen.” He turns me to face him.
“I envy you,” I whisper, staring at his tie as my lip trembles and my body is overcome with grief. “I envy your inability to feel a thing. I envy how cold you are. I envy how mean and unfeeling you are.”
“I didn’t mean it; I was angry.” His free hand reaches up to cup my cheek. I look him dead in the eyes and see his guilt and sorrow, but it doesn’t penetrate the walls I’ve pulled up. “I’m not a nice person when I’m angry. You were close by and… I took it out on you.”
“Let go of me.” I tug myself free and continue gathering my things. My shoulder hits his chest as I shove past, my arms filled with clothes.
As I bend over my suitcase he waits by the door, his tongue once again teasing his lower lip. “I don’t have to help you, Gwen, but I am. I’m here. You have somewhere to live and you have everything you need. I promised you I’d provide for you and that’s what I’m doing.”
“You don’t want me here. I’m here because of the guilt you feel.”
“Guilt over what?” He scoffs, spinning me around again. I’m sick of being spun.
“I don’t know!” I shout, looking into his broken eyes and feeling my heart stammer. “I don’t know what guilt you feel. Why else am I here?” He doesn’t respond but I see a shadow of emotion flicker in his eyes. It’s almost like he has an answer to that question but refuses to say it aloud. Christ, I don’t even care right now about his secrets. “Let me go.”
“And where will you go? What will you do?”
“I don’t know.” I sniff unattractively. “I don’t care.”
“You’re not leaving. I’ve apologised, now put it behind you. It’s not worth it.”
“Christ, you are such an…” I don’t swear, I don’t want make him angrier than he already is. “I don’t know… I just… move out of my bloody way.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”
“I don’t want anything from you.”
“Whether you want it or not,” he snaps, giving my arm a shake to bring my eyes to his. I remain strong, despite the urge to cower at the anger and darkness swirling in his light brown irises. “You need it. If you leave, where are you going to go? You have nobody to turn to.”
“I’ll figure it out.” I continue throwing things in my case.
A blur of colour and black passes my line of sight. My suitcase is gone from the bed and has just clattered against the wall with a loud and heavy thud. The contents spill out all over the ground.
He did not just do that.
Nathan stands to the side, his chest heaving. “You’re not leaving. Do you understand?”
“You can’t hold me here.” My fists tighten by my sides, making my nails bite into my palms.
“I will if I have to. I made a mistake. I got angry and I’ve apologised. I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to. I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry.” He glares down at me, his breath coming out in shallow pants. “I will lock you in this room. Don’t test me.”
My mouth drops open and I take a step back. He wouldn’t dare… he couldn’t. There’s no way he’d do that.
“Shout at me, get angry with me, do something. Just don’t leave.” I’m startled by the desperation in his voice but it does nothing to deter me.
“I would, but you’re not that special,” I hiss as venomously as he hissed it at me.
“You’re right,” he says without blinking. Long, cautious steps draw him closer. “I’m not. I don’t pretend to be. But you are.” His hand grips me by the back of my neck. “You are. Caleb didn’t deserve you, Gwen. I’ll never deserve you.”
What?
What does that even mean?
Who is he to judge?
“Stay.” He dips his head to look me directly in the eye. His head is now only an inch from mine. “I’m sorry. Believe me.” His hand wraps around mine and it’s soon pressed against his chest. I feel his rapid pulse beneath my fingers and mine speeds up with it, shocked at his… well… this entire situation. I know how difficult it must be for him to touch my hand and the fact he hasn’t yet pulled away seems to startle us both. “I’ve never been sorrier in my life.”
Another tear falls from my eye, wetting a path behind it.
“I’ll stay out of your way, I promise.”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I listen to his ragged breathing while his heart beats under my hand. What options do I have? I don’t have any. It’s either stay here and figure out a way to get money to move on with my life, or leave now and struggle.
My confused thoughts and feelings don’t relent and the fog that is my mind only thickens with each passing second.
Guilt encompasses me in a relentless embrace as I realise I like having my hand there. I like being in Nathan’s company. I’m not sure if it’s because of some strange attachment issues now his brother’s gone, but I feel it all the same. The broken look in his eyes seems to spark a whole new feeling, a feeling that I want to get to the depth of his brokenness and put the pieces back together.