I’m going against Caleb’s wishes being here. I promised him I’d stay away from Nathan but I had no other choice… or did I? Am I just making excuses so I can be close to the man that looks like my dead lover?
Nathan presses his lips to my forehead and takes a step back. “Get some rest and think on it. If you still want to leave in the morning, I’ll arrange accommodation for you.”
I nod. This is a good bargain to agree to. “Okay.”
“Gwen,” he says before leaving the room. I look up, his broken eyes tearing into my soul. “I am truly sorry.”
“I know.”
He dips his head and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
What am I doing?
What am I doing here?
Chapter Thirteen
I go to my next doctor’s appointment. Jeanine drops me off and waits for me to finish. I’m not diabetic, I’m perfectly healthy but my baby is going to be huge. The doctor hasn’t confirmed this, it’s just obvious. I’m measuring bigger than I should be. It should cheer me up that the baby is alright, but it doesn’t. My mind is still in a funk over yesterday’s events. I want to go to Mr and Mrs Weston and claw at their faces, hissing and spitting like a cat. I want to scream at them for being so cold and cruel.
I wonder, if like Nathan, they’re taking their grief out on me. Maybe one day we’ll reconcile and my baby can have at least one set of grandparents in his life. It’s such a farfetched thought. They’re awful people. Awful. I mentally berate myself for even hoping for such a thing. If only happy endings existed.
There’s one thing I know for sure - when they realise this is Caleb’s baby, they can kiss their rights as grandparents goodbye if they don’t change.
Jeanine notices my silence and tries to get me talking but I can’t. I just don’t feel like it. She soon gives up but I know she doesn’t hold it against me. I need silence. I’m sure there have been times where she has needed silence too.
Thoughts of Caleb are once again prominent in my mind. It’s hard to deal with. I miss him so much and he should’ve been there for the doctor’s appointment. He should have been there with me, holding my hand and getting excited and reassuring me about how fat I’m not getting, even though we’d both know that I am.
Nothing about this excites me anymore.
I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand his parent’s hate and anger toward me. This isn’t something I’ve brought to Nathan’s attention before. It’s not something I’ve asked him, but I can’t deny the temptation to. What have I done that’s made two clearly well raised people hate me so damn much?
Why would they cut Nathan off like they did Caleb? Is it truly because of what their mother said? Because Caleb spent his last moments with me?
How is that my fault? Neither of us knew he was going to die.
Maybe it’s the guilt they feel for shunning him and now that they’ve lost him, they wish they could have that time back.
I don’t know.
None of this makes sense.
I feel as though there’s a void in my reasoning. I need closure but I’m not sure what from. Will I always feel this way?
When I finally get back to Nathan’s I’m relieved to see he’s absent, much like he was this morning. I don’t know where he is and I don’t really care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants.
As I’m sat at the counter in the kitchen, there’s a knock at the door. I don’t want to answer it but I do anyway and I’m shocked to see blondie standing there, shifting nervously on her feet.
“Hi,” I say as she realises I’m not Nathan and her shoulders sag. “I don’t know where he is.”
“Did he tell you to say that?” Her disbelief is warranted I guess.
I shake my head. “No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”
“Oh…” She twists her hands in front of her. “If you see him, please tell him to call me.”
“Sure.” I go to close the door but she calls out once more, stopping me halfway.
“Is he… are you? I mean… is he seeing someone else?”
Is he? “Honestly, I have no idea. I promised him I wouldn’t invade his privacy so I haven’t. I didn’t even know about you until the other day when we first met.” I give her an apologetic smile and look her up and down. She looks cold. Where’s her car? “Where’s your car?”
“I walked.”
“From the village?” Is she crazy? That’s a four mile walk, not including our long driveway.
“Yeah.” She takes a step back. “Thanks… umm…”
“It’s Gwen.”
“Right, I’m Lorna. It was nice to meet you.” She nervously tucks her hair behind her ear and descends the two steps leading from the door. “Take care.”
I close the door, worried for the woman’s welfare but figuring she got herself here so she can get back. I should have offered her a drink and rest but it isn’t my house.
Her relationship with Nathan must be more serious than I thought. Should I have invited her in?
My head hurts.
Oh well, it’s not my business. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m out to steal her man because I’m totally not. I don’t want a reputation as boyfriend stealer.
The village is small; word travels.
I pad into the room and fire up my laptop. There’s nothing much I can think of doing that I’d enjoy, so moments later I switch it off and blow out a breath of air. I hate how grey the skies are up here. I daren’t venture through the trees when the sky is so dark, even though it’s two in the afternoon. I might get lost, even if I do follow the markings I placed on trees.
My geography never was very good and I never could figure out how to work a compass. It points north, that’s great. But even if it points north, I won’t know which direction will take me back to the village. Although I do have GPS on my phone, I’m lucky if I can get a signal long enough to receive a text message, let alone an internet connection.
I miss my friends. I miss being close to people I know.
Part of me even misses my mum, even if I do hate her guts right now.
Picking up my phone, I scroll through my contacts until I find Tommy’s number. It rings a few times before he answers, which brings me joy I haven’t felt in a while.
“Hey you,” he says softly. “It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” I say and move into the kitchen. Reception is better in here. “I miss you.”
“Miss you too. Maybe I can come out and see you soon.”
“I’d love that.” Seriously I would. “What have you been doing?”
“Not much.” He pauses for a moment. “I passed.”
“Oh my god.” Blink. “Oh my god! Tommy, that’s brilliant. I’m so pleased for you.”
“Thanks, Gwen. University isn’t the same without you though.”
My joy flickers to sorrow. “Yeah. I miss it.”
“You’ll go back one day. Until then, keep making delicious food and send me pictures. When I come down, I’m never leaving your place and you’re never leaving the kitchen. I want a feast fit for a king,” he demands playfully. “Sasha misses you.”