“I don’t want an explanation. You can’t explain this… it’s sick. It’s fucking twisted.” I shout, my vision blurring as tears pool before spilling over. I dash them away angrily, glaring at Nathan who looks as devastated as I feel. “It’s my life he ruined! For what?”
“You got Dillan…”
“You knew! All along you knew what he was planning to do. You knew… and you didn’t say anything, you didn’t stop it. Why?” I sob this last word, my knees shaking, wanting to give in and fall to the ground. “Why wouldn’t you stop him?”
He takes a step towards me, his eyes wet. “He was my brother; he was happy. I wanted him to have that. He’d been sick most of his life and finally he was happy. He promised me he wouldn’t do it. He said he loved you.”
“Don’t start lying now. I’m not stupid. You knew when he died I’d have nobody. If I was pregnant with nothing and no one, you’d have the perfect chance to swoop in and save the day.”
“That’s not what it was like!” His voice is desperate. He drops down onto his knees in front of me. “I didn’t make that decision until I saw you…”
“You need to leave,” I mutter, sitting on the chair Sasha vacated. My legs just can’t hold me up anymore.
We’re at eye level, but I feel nothing. That hole that Nathan filled, it’s a hole again. “Please, Gwen, we can get through this… All I’m guilty of is not telling the truth, that’s it. I had nothing to do with any of it.”
“This isn’t like you’ve walked into a shop, seen somebody steal and haven’t said anything, Nathan. This is a man, purposely getting a woman pregnant, purposely ruining her life for the sole reason that he didn’t want to die without leaving something behind.” I laugh angrily. “What kind of twisted thought is that?”
“He wasn’t right in the head, I know this… He’d been sick all of his life. I didn’t know what to do, Gwen.”
“So instead of stopping it and warning me, you take me in and help me raise his child?”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“So you keep saying.”
“I swear it. I love you. I love you so damn much. You and Dillan are all I have. I can’t lose you.” He drops his head into my lap. “I can’t bear it.”
“Then you’ll know how I felt when he died and left me with nothing.”
“Gwen.”
I stand and make my way to the hallway, needing as much distance between us as possible.
“Please. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. I know I should have… could have done something. I didn’t. But I will, from here on, I promise you I will never stop making you happy. I’ll never stop trying to give you the life you deserve. We’re perfect together; don’t you see that?”
I should feel something when I see a tear fall from his eye. I don’t.
Numbness is the only thing that’s inside me right now.
“Gwen, I’ll leave. I’ll give you space to… to calm down. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He looks hopeful, even when his voice breaks, showing the sadness he feels.
“I don’t want to talk,” I say calmly, my voice almost robotic. “I never want to talk to you again.”
He inhales a sharp breath, his body heaving slightly as his hands cup my cheeks. No more tears spill down them. Only a dry layer of the liquid sorrow remains and I swear to myself that these drying tears will be the last I ever shed for Caleb. “Don’t say that. You’ll change your mind. We can work this out.”
“We can’t.”
“We can,” he implores, pressing his forehead against mine.
“We can’t.”
“Yes.” He nods, closing his eyes for another brief moment. “We can.”
“Stop!” I scream, shoving him away from me. “I forgave you… for everything you did to me. I did nothing wrong! Nothing! And you threw me away like I was nothing. But I forgave you.”
“I know and I’m grateful for that, truly I am.”
“I wasn’t going to keep him.” I whisper, tears stinging my cheeks.
“What?”
I shake my head, trying to empty my mind, trying to relieve the ache that is torturing my body. “Dillan. I wasn’t going to keep him!”
“You love Dillan,” he says warily.
“But if you’d have told me, I wouldn’t have kept him. I would have finished university. I’d have a life, a proper career. I wouldn’t feel like this now!
He grips me by my shoulders and shakes me. “Gwen, you love Dillan. This isn’t his fault. Blame me, blame my brother, don’t resent him.”
“I…” A sob tears through me. “I can’t be here anymore. I need to go.”
“Gwen, please,” he begs, following me up the stairs.
I enter the bedroom, startling Sasha who is playing with Dillan on our bed… no, not our bed, but Nathan’s bed. I head to the closet and grab a small suitcase. I just need the bare essentials. I can get the rest another day.
“Pack some things for him in the nursery please Sasha, just the essentials.” I say coldly. “You owe me that much.”
She nods and leaves the room quietly, with Dillan in her arms.
“Don’t go,” he begs, watching helplessly as I grab as many items as I think I’ll need.
“I’m leaving.” I say, throwing clothes into the case. “I never should have come back. I should never have forgiven you.”
He stares at me from the middle of the room, his eyes flicking between me and the case.
“You’re being irrational,” he snaps. “You don’t need to leave. We can work through this. This isn’t fair on Dillan.”
I freeze, my numbness vanishing and my anger reaching the red zone. My temper takes a hold of me, squeezing at me until I pop. Before I realise what I’ve done, I see Nathan duck and hear a smash when Caleb’s photo from the nightstand hits the wall behind Nathan.
I don’t stop to take note of what I’ve done. I don’t stop when I place my hands on Nathan’s chest and shove him. Then I shove him again, my chest burning with overexertion and emotion.
“Do you know what’s not fair on Dillan?” I shout, shoving him again. “Growing up without a father! You and Caleb did that to him!” My hands push against his chest again. He goes back a step. “He’ll never know what an amazing man his father was… but then again… he was never an amazing man anyway! He was a fucking liar. Just like you!”
His back hits the wall, but I don’t stop shoving. My arms keep moving until I’m pounding on his chest.
“Gwen,” he says, wrapping his arms around me and pinning me to him. “Christ Gwen, I’m so sorry.”
“Let go of me!” I shout, finally pulling free and taking a few steps away from him, my chest heaving and my lungs burning. “Don’t touch me.” He withdraws the hand he was about to place on my shoulder.
“Dillan has you; he has me. You know I love him like he’s my own. I’ll never let him go without.”