“What are you doing?” I hiss, rolling onto my back.
“I don’t know,” he admits, shaking his head. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“I want you to leave me alone,” I bite out, rolling back onto my side.
His voice is quiet when he responds. “I don’t know how to leave you alone.”
“Then learn, and do it quickly.”
He moves away and I can tell by the pull of the blanket that he’s lying on his back. “I love you, Gwen.”
Squeezing my eyes tight, I will sleep to claim me. It does, but not before I felt his hand touch my hair, and not before I heard him let out a sound that can only be described as a choked whimper.
Still, I felt nothing.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
My eyes are stinging when I wake up. I must look a mess, but I can’t muster up the energy to care. I climb from the empty bed and make my way towards the bathroom. A shower is needed desperately right now.
The water hasn’t even turned warm before I’m standing under the heavy spray. My eyes squeeze shut and my mouth parts so I can breathe. Every move I make seems to cause my body unimaginable strain. I’ve only felt like this once before; that was after Caleb died and I stayed in bed for three days.
When out of the shower I quickly get dressed, not even bothering to match my clothes. Who cares about matched clothes at this time? It’s pointless. I don’t even bother to dry my hair; I just run a towel over it and pull it up into a bun.
“I think Mummy is awake,” I hear Nathan say from the kitchen as I make my way downstairs. I follow the sounds of Dillan’s babbles and smile at his chubby face smiling at the sight of me. He’s always happy to see me, always. Nathan looks at me over his shoulder. “I made breakfast.” He looks at the clock on the wall above the table and winces. “Well, lunch.”
I peer around him and try to find some kind of emotion, maybe shock, when I note that he’s in the process of making scrambled eggs and bacon.
“Sit,” he orders softly. I do and he starts shifting food from pans onto a plate, before bringing it over to me with a glass of juice.
“You found the eggs,” I state, picking up my fork and moving the scrambled mess around the plate.
“They’re your favourite.” He bends and touches his lips to my temple. “I thought you’d be hungry. And I thought we could do something fun today?”
Seriously? “Thanks, but I’m not in the mood.” His face falls and his tongue snakes out to tease his lower lip.
He grabs his own egg free plate from the side and takes the seat next to me. I bow my head, scooping up a small bite of egg before placing it on my tongue. It smells like it should taste good, but I might as well be chewing on paper for all I can taste.
“Your mum offered to have Dillan for a few hours. I know there’s a movie you want to see at the cinema.” He reaches over and tucks an errant lock of hair behind my ear. I don’t mean to tense, but I do and it doesn’t go unnoticed. “We could do that?”
“Hmm,” I mumble, and take a small bite of my toast. I’m not even sure why I’m eating. I’m definitely not hungry. Maybe because it’s the first time he’s ever touched an egg for as long as I’ve known him and he’s done that specifically to make my breakfast.
He lied to you, a voice keeps screaming in my head. He’s broken you. Practically destroyed you with his lies.
“Would you like to go?” He asks calmly, his eyes scanning my face for any sign of a reaction. He won’t find one. “Or would you like to do something else?”
They knew he was dying and nobody told you; nobody prepared you for it. You were the one who woke up and found him dead. You’ve been blaming yourself for months, thinking over and over in your mind how you could have done things differently.
“Gwen?”
“I…” I push my plate away and stand. “I’m not hungry.” I move around to Dillan and take him from his highchair. He smiles and gurgles as I pull him up to my chest.
Nathan moves to my back. “We’ll get through this,” he whispers, placing his hands on my hips. “I’ll take him to your mum’s and then we’ll go out and have fun.”
Fun? What’s that?
“Just me, you and a huge tub of popcorn.” He smiles and carefully removes Dillan from my arms.
“You don’t like popcorn,” I point out, taking the plates from the table.
“I’ll do them when I get back. You go and sit,” he says, frowning slightly. I ignore him and move over to the sink. “Gwen…”
“I can do dishes, Nathan. I’m not a child,” I snap, scraping the food into the bin.
His brows shoot to his hairline and he runs the hand that isn’t holding Dillan through his hair. “I don’t want you to do it today. It’s my job.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes and drop the plates into the sink. “Well, by all means, go ahead.”
“Gwen,” he sighs and steps towards me.
For months you’ve grieved for a man that didn’t exist. For months you’ve blamed yourself. If somebody had told you, you could have prepared. But they didn’t. They watched you deteriorate and even though you didn’t say it out loud, it was obvious that you blamed yourself for his death. You blamed yourself for the fact that Dillan would grow up without his father.
“Hello?” Fingers click in front of my face. I turn towards the source and stare at him expectantly. “Did you hear what I just said?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I said that if you want, we could try and go to the beach. You haven’t been in a really long time and…” His voice trails off and he chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment. “I’d really like to try… for you.”
Just the mere thought of going to the one place that used to bring me so much joy but now brings me nothing but anger makes me balk at the thought. “No thanks.”
“Okay… then why don’t you choose?” I can see he’s getting frustrated.
I don’t care. “I don’t want to do anything.” Especially not with you. Does he honestly think that everything is suddenly going to be okay?
“It’ll be good for us to get out for the day,” he comments, bouncing Dillan on his side. “You look like you need some fresh air.”
“Then I’ll go for a walk,” I huff, reaching for Dillan. “Just go to work or something.”
“I’m trying here, Gwen,” he says quietly, his tone solemn and soft.
It pierces through the bubble of numbness that is tightening its hold on my body and at his words, I feel a slight twang of pain in my chest. I just can’t find the strength or energy to fully care.
“I know,” I respond and move towards the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” he states, but he doesn’t sound like he means it. “I’m sorry for failing to protect you.”
What about destroying my trust and breaking my heart?
“Damn it,” I curse as I place Dillan in his bouncer in the room. I head back into the kitchen where Nathan is waiting for me, watching me cautiously as I pad towards the cupboard where we store the medicine on the top shelf. “I forgot to take my…” My hand stops as it clasps the cupboard door handle. The cold metal bites into my skin as a torrent of thoughts rush through my head. Oh my god. Oh my god! “You absolute bastard.” My voice is a low whisper.