“Go on.” He snaps, his hands fisting on his lap.
“I was supposed to leave before he got there, but I fell asleep reading your journals. I read them all…” He says nothing, shows nothing and doesn’t move an inch. I wish I could see what he was feeling. “When I woke up, well… you know the rest.”
He doesn’t look at me and this worries me. Then he stands and this worries me even more.
“Nathan…”
“Can I have a minute?” He says calmly.
I want to say no. I want to scream at him that I’m sorry, but instead I nod and leave the room, trying to hide the fact that I’m terrified I’m going to lose him.
Before I close the door I call to him; he doesn’t look at me, so I speak anyway. “I’m so sorry for not telling you, Nathan, but I didn’t want you to hurt any more than you already had.”
“Go Guinevere,” he hisses and I quickly close the door. When Nathan gets like this, sometimes it’s just best to leave him to it. I don’t want to upset him while he’s in such bad shape. I wish I didn’t have to tell him at all, but he deserves to know that he’s in the shape he is because of me.
I didn’t start the fire, but I played a big part in it. If I hadn’t set off this stupid chain of events with my stupid need to get him out of that cell, none of this would have happened.
I forgave him for his deception. I hope this garners me enough points towards his forgiveness of me.
I check in on Dillan, who’s having his afternoon nap, and sit in the rocking chair by his cot. He’s sleeping soundly on his front, his pudgy fist against his lips. He’s the only peace I find at the moment; he’s the only silence that I enjoy.
After half an hour, I pick up my little boy and make my way into the hall. I’m wondering whether or not to go to Nathan. He might need something.
I knock on the door to the bedroom and wait a while for his response.
It doesn’t come.
It’s not until I push open the door to an empty room that panic sets in. Damn him. Where is he?
He shouldn’t be out of bed!
I pull my phone from my pocket and call him, but his phone vibrates on the desk beside the bed.
That idiot!
What’s he playing at?
The car is still here. I notice this immediately, after searching the house from top to bottom. The only odd thing is the fact the back door is wide open and I know for a fact I closed it.
Wrapping a blanket around Dillan, I step out into the wind and make my way down the long garden that turns at the end.
Seeing him standing only four feet from where the grass ends and the sand begins, one hand in his hair as the other rests limply at his side, makes me stop in my tracks. He looks so beautiful, his back so broad. Even with the covering that protects the burn, he’s stunning. Every perfect male inch of him.
Taking slow steps, I stop beside him, Dillan babbling in my arms.
“I made a huge mistake three years ago,” Nathan says softly, his eyes scanning the horizon.
“Mistake?”
He nods and takes my hand in his. “I couldn’t walk on sand for you.”
“Nathan,” I look up at him, trying to find the anger he should feel towards me. “You ran through fire for me.”
“So walking on sand should be easy,” he bites out and kicks off his shoes.
I do the same, my heart thrumming in my chest as my body prickles with excitement.
He takes a step and breathes in deep. “You blackmailed my father.”
I wince. “I know, it was stupid…”
“Yes, it was. You should have told me.” He still doesn’t sound angry, nor does he look it. I’m waiting for the explosion. “But I understand why you didn’t. I think we’ve both hidden enough secrets from each other to last a lifetime.” I nod my agreement and we take another step. “You forgave me.” We take another step. The sand is so close to our bare feet. “You did something so incredibly out of character for me, to protect me.” We take another step and my breathing stops completely. He’s going to do it.
“I love you. I’ll always protect you. You’ve been let down your entire life.” I whisper and we take another step. “Somebody has to.”
He shakes his head, a smile on his face. “I want to walk on the sand.”
“Have you ever?”
He scrunches up his nose, trying to hide his disgust. “No. I used to think it looked fun, but then Caleb threw a spade full at me when I was nine. It got everywhere. It took me hours before I felt clean. I never went near it again.”
“Caleb sounds mean,” I mutter, hating the fact that the man I knew and the man he was are two completely different people.
“He wasn’t; he just didn’t understand me. He was always sick and I was always kept away. The only time we ever really got to know each other was when he’d come to my grandfather’s every two months or so. At least now I know why my father never left when Caleb stayed. He knew there was no way they’d be able to hide it if Caleb were ever abused.” He takes another step and squeezes my hand until it goes numb and my fingers start to turn purple. I keep Dillan close to me with my other arm and wait for Nathan to find the courage to take the final step. “We didn’t get on very well. I just wanted to be left alone and because Caleb rarely had days that he felt good, he just wanted to play. By the time we were in our teens and his illness was in remission, we hated each other. He was everything I wanted to be and I had everything he wanted. I didn’t realise just how angry he was over our grandfather leaving everything to me until he took you from me.”
“You don’t look like you blame him.”
He gives me a small smile, his eyes narrowing at the edges. He looks so handsome. “I don’t. He didn’t know why our grandfather left everything to me. He thought he was being cheated out of his inheritance because I was the apple of my grandfather’s eye.” A laugh escapes him. “What’s worse is, I almost told him once. I came so close.”
I can only imagine how Caleb is feeling now. I wonder if he can see us, see this and see the past and what happened to Nathan. The guilt he’s probably feeling worries me. It’s not his fault. Just like it’s not Nathan’s fault.
“Why didn’t you?” I ask, wondering when we’re going to take that last step.
“I knew he’d kill him. As troubled as our relationship was, we were still brothers. My brother had a temper.” One which I only witnessed once, when he threw plates against the wall. I can’t even remember what that argument was about, but I remember being scared and him instantly calming down. “He beat our father up pretty badly when he was only fourteen.”
“What?”
“It was bad. My father had attacked my mum, but Caleb gave up after that because she still wouldn’t leave him and she chose him over us. I knew then that if Caleb found out what our grandfather had done, he would definitely kill him. So I never told him and our relationship got worse from there.”
I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. The fresh air blows across us both, bringing me a little comfort as we take that final step.
“I don’t like this,” Nathan whispers and I open my eyes to see him looking at the thin layer of sand and grass beneath our feet. “But I’ll do it… for you.”