I’m pulled from my thoughts when he kneels in front of me and opens the first-aid kit, taking my arm in his left hand.
“It’s not as deep as it looked. I’m going to use the surgical glue, it will stop the bleeding faster.” He frowns, gently cleaning the wound. “You did this to yourself, didn’t you?”
“I did,” I look away ashamed. “And I’m sorry. I was drinking, and I overreacted.”
“You know I wouldn’t survive losing you, right? None of us would.” He pauses after applying the glue.
“I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to die. I just felt so alone. I don’t know what I was thinking …” I trail off.
“I am so sorry, Eliana. I should have been here.” He stands and places a soft kiss on my forehead and crosses to his dresser. An obvious push from Daddy, our matching Blake Raffia dressers were a Band-Aid on the heart of a shallow princess, meant to distract and placate me because in this house, love means nothing when you have money.
I smile softly at Jaxx when he steps in front of me with a smirk, unfolding his found treasure and holding the shirt above my head. “Up.”
“Hocus Pocus?” I lift my arms and shiver as he slides the threadbare fabric over my torso, the bottom edge coming to rest below my waist.
“You always did have a thing for the Sanderson sisters.” He chuckles, stepping out of his wet clothing and into a pair of dry flannel pajama pants before sitting against the headboard, pulling my back into his chest, and resting his chin on my head.
I relax into him with a sigh, smiling as I read the faded text, ‘Oh look another glorious morning. Makes me sick.’
“There’s that smile,” Jaxx says, poking a finger through a hole in the side of my t-shirt, and it hits me… What did I just do? I’m mortified… over my behavior and his rejection. I have to say something. I need to fix this.
“Jaxx, I-“
“Nope, it’s time for you to listen, Munchkin. I know you hurt. I can’t even imagine how broken you feel right now, but that-” He kisses my temple, gently rocking us side to side. “-was not the answer. Yes, I have always told you that you are better than that – that you are worth more – because it’s true. You are no one’s conquest. You are the most precious thing in my life, and I have spent years keeping you from being used and tossed aside like a worthless object. I’ll be damned if I allow that now.”
“Jaxx, you wouldn’t have been using me.” I sit up, turning to face him. He would never.
“No. But are you in love with me, Eliana? Would you have been making love with me?” he questions sincerely.
“I do love you, Jaxx.” I wipe away a tear.
“And I love you, Munchkin, but that’s not how sex should be. Not for me and not for you. You should have better than a life settling for temporary physical pleasure. You deserve more. You had more with Joshua.” I blush, looking away, and he tilts my chin to look him in the eyes. “Why would you ever allow yourself to settle for less than that again? Why would you want something skin deep when you know how it feels to give your entire heart and body to someone? How could that ever compare, and how could that take away the pain? Does it not just remind you of what it should be?”
“Jaxx I… I just…” I sob, falling into his chest. “I’m sorry, Jaxx. I just want it to stop. Something seemed better than nothing.”
“Munchkin, when will you see that you have never really had nothing? You have me, Costin, Abel. We can’t all be here and give you what you want, but you have our love. You have so much. It’s just not the same as before. It never will be, and that’s okay because one day, you will be ready to love again. That day, Eliana, you will look back and be so grateful that we didn’t ruin what we have by covering up the memory of someone else. Don’t taint our love with that.” He brushes my hair from my face. “I’m not going anywhere. If you still want me later, once you have healed and you are truly ready, you can have me. I will always be here.”
“You think it will get better, Jaxx? Really? Because I’m not too sure of that. The pain, it just grows every day. I feel like I am suffocating under the weight.” I cry, pulling back slightly so I can look into his eyes when he answers me.
Pulling me into his chest, he cradles me, humming softly for a few moments until he speaks again. “I do, Eliana. Some pains are so deep, so consuming that you fight just to breathe every single day. They challenge your very soul. They are the real battles, not the ones out here against other people. The internal dragons are the hardest to beat. They are the ones that change you on a cellular level if you submit and the ones you have to want to slay in order to come out victorious. Eliana, you will win because I won’t allow you to lose. I will continue to pick you up and dust you off for the rest of forever if I have to. I will follow you into the afterlife; don’t test me. You are my world, Munchkin. You, Costin, and Abel are my family, but you, Eliana, are my world.”
“Jaxx, I am just so tired… it’s all too heavy.” I rub my chest.
“Then I will help you carry it, baby. Lean on me. I can be here. No red flags if I am with my fiancée. Lean on me. Share with me. I will fight with you.”
“Okay.” I nod, exhausted. I have a lot to think about… tomorrow. Especially the fact that I just tried to fuck Jaxx… yikes.
“Okay?” He raises a brow.
“Yeah. Read to me, Jaxx? Can we just pretend things are good again? That I’m still just the little girl who drives her hero insane and we have no worries other than breakfast cake and tiaras? For tonight?” I reach into the nightstand, removing the worn fairytales held together by a Champion’s tape and a tiny girl’s princess wishes, then hand it back to him, cuddling in under his arms.
“Hero, huh? Of course I will, Munchkin.” He tickles my side like he did when I was little and started wiggling too much, pulling a small giggle from me. He carefully opens the worn cover to the page marked by a pink velvet ribbon with a cupcake charm dangling from the bottom. Smiling down at the Eliana and Abel craft time creation from my childhood, Jaxx softly asks, “Now, where were we? Here?”
“Yeah, I love this part.” I sigh, borrowing in under his arm. “Stay with me tonight?” I yawn.
“Nowhere I would rather be.” He squeezes me tightly.
“Love you, Jaxx.” I exhale.
“I love you, too, Munchkin…
‘At last, the prince came to a chamber of gold where he saw upon a bed the fairest sight one ever beheld—a princess of about seventeen years who looked as if she had just fallen asleep. Trembling, the prince knelt beside her and awakened her with a kiss. And now the enchantment was broken. The princess looked at him with wondering eyes and said: “Is it you, my prince? I have waited for you long.’”
I drift off to sleep, listening to him read, remembering our before as he runs his fingers through my hair. In this moment, the weight on my heart seems lighter. I’m feeling a little less scared, a little less hopeless, and a little less alone. I take a deep breath, relaxing and thinking about everything that Jaxx has become for me over the years: family, protector, confidante, best friend, fiancée, and guiding light. He has saved me many times before, but tonight he saved me from myself in a way that no one else even took the time to notice. Tomorrow, we’ll have to talk, but tonight I sleep soundly, wrapped in his arms.