A couple of times he’d shivered and burrowed in closer to my chest, and it reminded me what Dane had said about Seth being a snuggler. He definitely was, and I liked it. A lot. Maybe too much.
I drifted in and out of sleep, and the next time I opened my eyes, Seth was yawning awake. Judging from the light shining through the window, it was probably midmorning.
I rubbed my hand over my eyes. “Morning.”
“Morning. I’m sorry about this.” He made a weak attempt of trying to break free of my arms, almost like he was embarrassed, and as soon as I applied the slightest pressure, he melted against me again.
“Don’t be sorry.” I was trying my best to read him, and for now, I somehow knew he still wanted to be held. “I’m not opposed to cuddling, and you’re pretty good at it.”
“You’re good at it too.” When he sighed into my neck, I held in a shiver.
“Feeling better now?”
“Yeah… I…” He burrowed his face into my shoulder and shook his head.
“No sweat. You’re not obligated to tell me anything.”
“It’s so stupid.” His voice was muffled, as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. “I shouldn’t be dreaming about something that wasn’t even…damn it…”
“Shh…” I pulled him closer. “Don’t you dare beat yourself up about whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
He stayed silent, but I could feel his soft breaths against my skin.
“You know,” I murmured, “when my mom and I got away from my dad, she had nightmares too.”
“Why did you leave?” he asked in a hesitant voice. “Sorry if it’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s okay.” I took a deep breath. It wasn’t as hard to talk about anymore. It’d been six years since I’d last laid eyes on that asshole, and if I never saw him again, it would be too soon. “My dad was abusive to my mom. I swore that when I turned legal, I would get us out of that house, and that’s exactly what I did. I owe a lot to Tucker and his family because I had money saved from working at the garage. As soon as I graduated high school, we took off and never looked back.” I could feel my pulse thrumming in my ears. Shit, maybe talking about it took more out of me than I’d admitted.
“Thank you for telling me.” He angled his head to look at me. “That must be why you’re so protective when it comes to Bonnie. You’re a good man.”
“I try to be.” I winced because I was no hero. I’d had my share of missteps in life. “And yeah, it’s always been the two of us, and even knowing this time would come, that she would move out…I don’t know…it hasn’t exactly sunk in yet.” I was actually grateful he’d stayed last night because it helped lessen the blow.
“Is that why you don’t have anyone in your life?” His tone was cautious. “I’m just thinking about what Bonnie said, about you finally being able to date or whatever.”
Was that the reason why? I didn’t think so. It wasn’t like Mom or the guys at the shop didn’t encourage me any chance they got. Besides, I’d hooked up plenty.
“Nah, I’ve just…never found anybody special or understanding enough. I mean, I’m a grown man who until yesterday lived with his mom. Think about how well that went over.” I snickered. “How about you? You’re pretty awesome, so why aren’t you taken?”
Even with the dispersed light in the room, I could tell he was flushing. “I, uh, the first time I thought a guy liked me was a pretty bad experience. It’s made me cautious.”
My whole body stiffened. “Did he hurt you?”
“Not in the way you’re thinking,” he replied, but it didn’t make the knots in my stomach loosen. “I feel so stupid, but sometimes I feel like…I don’t know, it kind of broke me or something. Like it ruined me. For all I know, I was already broken.”
“Hey,” I said, lifting his chin with my thumb. “It’s absolutely not stupid. No one can predict how something will affect them. How big or small it might register. Your experiences are valid, and they make you who you are.”
And the way he was looking at me right then, like I hung the moon? I wanted to lean forward and take his mouth. Taste his lips and tongue and make him shiver and moan… Whoa, I’d never had such a tender thought about another person, let alone another man. There was something about this guy that appealed to me at a bone-deep level.
“Thanks.” Seth swallowed roughly. “How about the first time you felt stuff for someone?”
“You mean, crushed on a girl?” I asked, and his eyebrows drew together. Damn, why the hell had I asked it like that? Of course it would be a girl—in his eyes.
“Well, yeah…” He drew back and gaped at me. “Unless I’m missing something?”
“No, no.” I shook my head. Fuck. I couldn’t, not right now. Not when I couldn’t get a handle yet on what I was feeling. “I was in high school, and I’d go to Tucker’s house a lot or hang out at the garage—hell, that was probably why his dad put me to work, because I was always there—trying to escape my house but also making sure I was there every night with Mom, in case…” I swallowed. “So anyway, there were these two older girls, and I was crushing hard on the brunette. We hooked up one night at the park, and God…” I rubbed my hand over my face. “It was awful—mostly for her. I was so nervous about screwing up and… Christ, why am I even telling you this?”
He cracked a smile. “Because I asked you and we’re sharing, and I guess that’s what friends do?”
“Guess so…” I grinned, then sobered as I considered what he’d shared. “Fuck, I’m sorry about whatever happened with that guy. I don’t ever want you to feel unsafe around me. You tell me if I ever put you in a position that makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“I will.” He looked away bashfully, then back to me. “I haven’t known you that long, but somehow I feel like you wouldn’t hurt me, at least not on purpose.” He threw his arms around me, and fuck, my stomach felt all strange. “You’ve been awesome.”
Shit. I pulled him close, and he was warm and smelled good, and fuck, he was also hard.
Hard as I was, and goddamn it—I drew back suddenly. Turmoil and fear twisted like a tornado inside my chest. What in the hell was I doing? Sleeping next to him was enough, but to imagine anything else? I was going to have a freaking panic attack.
“Gotta take a leak,” I said, then rolled out of bed. I shut myself in the bathroom, pissed, threw water on my face, and tried to get my pulse to settle down.
It’s only a hard-on. Get over yourself. This guy was throwing me for a loop, and after everything that had gone down between last night and this morning, I needed a minute to get my thoughts together.
When I walked back into the bedroom, Seth was already dressed and looking a bit unsure of himself.
“You got somewhere you need to be?” I asked, trying not to sound too disappointed. Guess I hoped to feed him again at least.
He motioned to his cell. “I’m gonna head over to Jesse’s place in a couple of hours so we can go to the mall for some stuff. How about you?”