“I’m going to check on Mom, help her assemble a dresser and whatever else she needs,” I replied, following him to the front door, where he slid back into his sneakers. “You’re more than welcome to come along. I mean, if your plans fall through.”
He hesitated a moment, as if considering it. “Thanks. For everything. I should head home to shower. Tell Bonnie I’ll see her soon.”
The moment he left, I felt strangely hollow. I forced myself to make coffee and eat breakfast before texting Mom to see if she was okay. I wasn’t the only one who needed to get used to the quiet.
15
Seth
I was a lying liar who lied.
I had zero plans with Jesse, though I wished I had. And while I wanted to call him, I forced myself not to because I couldn’t go to Jesse every time I needed something. He had his own life and a boyfriend.
The thing was, I couldn’t do that with Jake either. I mean…I wanted more nights like last night. His arms around me had felt different than Jesse’s ever had. Jesse never felt like more than a comforting friend to me, but Jake…Jake I was attracted to. And they were definitely different from Colton’s, who hadn’t wanted to comfort. He’d wanted to get off and hadn’t cared about me.
The strength of Jake’s hold had been consoling, caring. He’d asked, not pushed. I’d wanted to burrow as deep as I could and taste his lips and have him touch me in ways I’d longed to be touched but was too afraid to allow to happen.
So yeah, I wanted all that, minus the nightmare and minus anyone feeling like they had to take care of me. When Jesse moved out, I’d vowed to take care of myself. I wanted Jake to want me because he desired me, not because I couldn’t get over the past, though I appreciated he’d been there. I’d needed to be held last night.
But the way he’d looked at me when he’d asked if I meant his first crush on a girl, that had me twisted up and confused. He’d been hard, and it was the first time I’d felt an erection against me except Colton’s or Jesse’s—though I didn’t count Jesse’s because I knew that had never been out of desire, but simply biology.
Which was what I’d convinced myself was the situation with Jake too, even if I wished it wasn’t. I also knew I needed to put some space between us, because I was crushing a little too hard, and as kind as he was, I knew I would be the one to get hurt.
I couldn’t turn his niceness, his caretaker nature into anything more than what it was.
But I wanted it to be more. It was hard to crave things physically, while mentally knowing you wouldn’t let yourself have them. Anytime I thought about being with someone, I remembered feeling uncomfortable and nervous, like I was way out of my depth when it came to intimacy. Because obviously Colton hadn’t liked me, not the way I liked him. He just wanted to get off and thought he could take advantage of me. Like I was only a warm body to him. A means to an end.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me when it came to sex, because I’d liked Colton yet I’d freaked out on him. I wanted to hear Jesse’s sex stories, and wanted sex myself, but I was afraid I’d change my mind or get scared and lead someone on the way I’d done with Colton. God, I was a mess.
And because I was feeling especially raw, of course that was when my mother called. That was the way it always went.
I sat down on the couch as I answered, “Hello, Mother.” I tried to imagine Jake calling Bonnie Mother, and it didn’t compute.
“Hello, Seth. You haven’t called in a little while, so I wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you keeping busy? Idle hands—”
“I know. I’m always busy. I’ve been volunteering at an assisted living facility. I play the piano for them.”
“That’s nice, dear. I really wish you could have taken that internship I was able to get for you. Your father says I should have forced you, but—”
“Stepfather,” I cut her off. “He’s not my dad.”
“He might as well be. That’s not the point of what I was discussing, though. You need to build your portfolio. Your name will only get you so far.”
“I didn’t want to do the internship. I’m already going to school for something I hate,” I snapped.
She sighed. “Can we not do this again? It’s getting exhausting. Do you know how many people would love the life you’ve been given? You’re incredibly privileged, and it’s quite selfish to not take advantage of that.”
Guilt flooded me. She was right, of course. I thought of how Jesse worked his ass off to afford school and to make ends meet. That would never be me. It had never been me. How many people would love to be in my place? “You’re right. I just… I’ll be graduating next year. I wanted the summer off.”
“This is exactly the summer you shouldn’t have taken off. Your dad was the same way. He was always wanting to flit around—driving fast cars, and getting a pilot’s license, and whatever wild idea he had. That’s what got him killed.”
All I wanted to do was make people feel pretty and spend time with my friends, but I didn’t tell her that. “Yes, ma’am.”
We spoke for a little while longer. She asked when I was coming for a visit, and I played it off like I had one planned soon, but the truth was, there was nothing I wanted less than to go back to Philly. Where I didn’t fit. Where my mom and stepdad went to fancy dinner parties with Colton’s family and wished I was more like him. Where I couldn’t wear makeup and had to pretend I wanted to be master of the universe, and where things were cold and unloving. Where Jake’s strong arms weren’t around me and Jesse’s laugh didn’t fill my head. Where Bonnie’s kind words didn’t make me feel loved in an unfamiliar way.
And the last thing I wanted was to risk losing that, which was exactly what I was afraid would happen if I pushed this thing with Jake. He would think me too clingy, and things would be weird.
But then I thought of the way he looked at me, like maybe he liked what he saw. Even if that were true, if Jake was bi and attracted to me, eventually he would want more than to cuddle with me, and as much as I wanted that as well, I didn’t think it was something I could give.
16
Jake
The following Monday at work I still couldn’t shake Seth from my brain. So I put my earbuds in, rolled beneath the F-150 I was working on, and cranked up the music.
Even Mom had noticed I was a bit preoccupied when I was at her new place to hang shelves and arrange furniture the morning after Seth slept over.
I didn’t tell her that part, though.
“How was last night?” she’d asked. “Did you go see Seth play?”
“Yep,” I replied, and she looked relieved. Probably because she was worried I’d only obsess about her safety, and she wouldn’t have been wrong. “He was incredible.”
She arched an eyebrow. “You seem in awe.”
I chuckled. “I was. And of his friend Jesse too. They played off each other, and it was an awesome show.”