“They went fine.”
“Then why do you look like your world is caving in on you?” he asked.
I studied his face. “Why are you asking? You don’t even like him.”
He smirked, sipping his tea. “I don’t like him. My opinion of him hasn’t changed.”
“Then we don’t have to talk about this,” I told him. “I cannot stand fighting with you right now. I don’t have the energy.”
“I’m your father. I care about you. I want to know what’s bothering you. You can talk to me about your problems.”
I took a bite of the pie I’d ordered after our lunch. I was eating my feelings and I didn’t give a shit what that meant. Chocolate cream pie was exactly what I needed. “All right, I’ll tell you but please don’t judge me.”
“You have my word,” he said.
“I found him. I went to the funeral with him. His father and him have a horrible relationship. It was sad and crushed my soul to see him as an outsider at his own brother’s funeral. He didn’t make it through the whole thing. He chose to go back to his hotel by himself. I had to let him go.”
He looked pained. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for him. No one should go through that.”
“The following day, he did seem to rebound a little. We explored the town and enjoyed a nice lunch, followed by an even better dinner.”
His knowing smile left me blushing a little. “It sounds like you two enjoyed your time together.”
“We did.”
“Then why do you look like hell?”
I scowled at him. “Dad, you are not supposed to say that to a woman.”
“You have circles under your eyes and you look exhausted. What happened?”
“He didn’t come home to San Diego. He isn’t coming home. Everything I thought we had is slowly fading away. He says he wants to have a relationship with me, but I can feel it slipping away. I’m busy and he has found things to do to occupy his time. The few times we do talk, the conversations are getting shorter and feel more stilted. I know it’s only a matter of time before it fades away completely. We didn’t have a solid foundation to begin with. There is nothing holding us together.”
“You are really struggling with this,” he said.
I had to fight back the tears. “I am. I don’t expect you to understand or empathize. I suppose this is the part where you tell me you told me so. You can say it, but don’t say anything bad about Xander. He is a good man, a very good man. He can’t help the baggage he’s been forced to carry around. He handles it the best way he can.”
“I haven’t said that.”
“But you are thinking it.”
“I’m thinking I see my little girl struggling. I can see how much you care about him. I am never going to be the man’s biggest cheerleader, but clearly, you are. My allegiance is to you. I see you are hurting. I don’t want you to hurt.”
The tears were becoming harder to fight off. “Thanks, Dad.”
“I think I have to concede in this battle. You are happier with him than you are without him. That means I have to accept your choice in men. Although I will struggle with it, I’m not the one that’s in a relationship with him. I’m here for you. I want you to be happy. As your father, I want what is best for you.”
“Thank you,” I told him, and this time, I didn’t stop the tears. “It means a lot to have your support. I don’t know if it is going to be needed now. I think it’s coming to an end. All that anger and arguing for nothing, I guess.”
He released a small laugh. “I don’t think it was for nothing. I’d like to think I learned from it.”
“What did you learn?”
He looked at me and smiled. “That you aren’t my little girl anymore.”
“I’m still your little girl,” I insisted.
“You will always be my little girl in one sense, but you don’t need me guiding you and bossing you around. Like you said before, you have grown into a beautiful woman with a good head on her shoulders. I have to trust you to do what is best for you. We may not always agree but I will always support you.”
My heart felt a little broken. I finally had my father’s support and now it all seemed for nothing. “Thank you. It does mean a lot to me to know you trust me. I won’t always make the right decisions. I’ll be happy to have your help and advice.”
“You will have it.”
“Even if it involves Xander or another former student you don’t like?” I teased.
He groaned, shaking his head. “Yes. I am not going to say I’ll like it, but I will be there for you.”
I blew out a breath. “I feel better. I’m glad we got to talk.”
“You don’t look like you feel better. You still look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“I just feel like I’m losing him.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship,” he said with a wistful look on his face. “I remember when I found out your mother was not going to grow old with me. I remember that feeling of just pure devastation. The two situations are not the same, but I think you really care about this man. Dare I say love him?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’m so confused. I think I do but then I question whether or not it is the real thing.”
“But you are torn apart about the idea of not seeing him again. You are devastated by the thought of not being with him. That tells me it’s real.”
“I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. In the end, the outcome is the same. I have lost him. I know that. Part of me thinks he might eventually come back but what if it’s too late? What if there has been too much time apart?”
“Time won’t matter if this is real,” he advised.
“I think I am worried because we haven’t really talked about what this is.”
“I don’t think you need to put words to everything. That’s something women like to do. Men aren’t always going around looking for a label to slap on something they are feeling in the moment. They just do it. You put pressure on yourself when you try to identify what it is you are feeling.”
I heard my laugh escape my mouth and quickly slapped my hand over my face. “You sound so… I don’t know.”
He shook his head. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
I giggled again. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I like things neat and tidy. I need to know what I’m dealing with.”
“I get it. You want to know. Have you thought about asking?”
I chewed my lower lip. “No. I can’t ask him that.”
He laughed. “You are a direct person. It’s a simple question. Ask him if he wants to be with you.”
“It is not simple.”
“It is. You’ll rip the bandage off. You’ll know one way or another. If he wants to be with you, then you guys have to figure out what comes next. If he doesn’t want to be with you—and he would be a fool not to—then you move on. You start to heal your broken heart and you find another man that is worthy of you.”