“I think I am. Unfortunately, judging by the emails I have gotten and the messages my assistant has passed along to me, I think my retirement might be inevitable. It isn’t really my choice anymore.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I burned some bridges. Not just burned. I blew them up. I imploded my own reputation. I’m not sure anyone will ever take me seriously again. The general consensus is something along the lines of I lost my shit and have moved to some hideaway. I’m a laughingstock in the industry. I don’t think I could get anyone to the table, let alone get them to buy my new idea. They will laugh me right out of the room. It was a stretch when my reputation was intact.”
She moved her head away from my chest and rested it on the pillow. I turned to my side to face her.
“I think your first question is to ask yourself what you want,” she said. “Like really want.”
“I want to fix the mess I made with Charlie.”
“And to do that, you need to send work his way, right?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not entirely sure how your business works, but the designs you have sold. Won’t they speak for themselves? Don’t companies always need new ships?”
I offered her a small smile. “Not when they are built right the first time. This new idea I had was more of a retrofit. I designed it with the idea of existing ships being fixed. It would save a fortune on future repairs and would be a hell of a lot cheaper than building a whole new ship.”
“It certainly sounds like it would be a good investment for those shipping magnates.”
“Yes, but now that my idea has been making the rounds, it isn’t going to be long before some other dude figures it out and puts it on the market.”
She looked irritated. “Do you think someone would really do that?”
“Oh, hell yeah. I have no doubt in my mind it’s already in progress.”
“Well, that’s bullshit!” she exclaimed.
I grinned, leaning forward to drop a kiss on her nose. “I agree but it’s the nature of the beast. You have to shit or get off the pot.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Gross.”
“Sorry.”
She looked thoughtful, gnawing on her lower lip. It was her habit to worry her poor lip when she wanted to say something. I learned to sit tight and let her get it out when she was good and ready. “You are not the only guy my dad knows in the world of shipping.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were talking the other day. He told me he is very good friends with a local guy that owns a shipping company. It isn’t one of the biggest ones, but he does own a few ships.”
I wasn’t sure where she was going with her information. “Okay,” I said, waiting for her to explain.
She looked worried. Or sick. “You could talk to my father and ask if he would be willing to set up a meeting between you and his friend. I could do it for you, but I think me acting as a go between would be a little ineffective.”
“I would never ask you to do that.”
“I would do it, but I think this is something you need to do.”
I mulled over the idea. “I think I would have better luck getting the guys I stood up to give me another chance than I would at getting your dad to help me.”
“You would be surprised.”
“I would be floored if your dad wanted to give me a hand,” I told her. “It’s fine. I will think of something.”
“Okay, but it is an option in case you run out of ideas.”
“Thank you.”
“I have to get up,” she said with a sigh. “I have to get to the venue where my event is happening. The caterers should be arriving in about two hours.”
I reached for her and pulled her close. “Are you sure? Can’t you play hooky this one time?”
“That is tempting, but this client isn’t the kind I can abandon at the last minute.”
“Fine. I have some work to do myself.”
“Are you going to leave?” she whispered.
“I don’t know.”
I saw the hurt on her face. I wanted to take it away. “You are welcome to stay here. I will leave you a spare key.”
“Thank you.”
She gave me another kiss. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“I won’t.”
She slid out of bed and walked to the shower. I got out of her bed and pulled on some clean underwear from my bag. I strode into her kitchen, vaguely familiar with where things were, and started some coffee for us. I wouldn’t leave her hanging. I couldn’t do that to her. Not again.
Now that I was awake and in the bright light of day, reality was crashing in around me once again. I walked to the huge window and stared out at the sea in the distance. The pull to stay was strong. I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough. I sure as hell didn’t feel strong enough. I felt fragile. I felt like my world would never return to the way it had been before losing Kade.
“Hey, you’re still here,” Evie said, coming to stand next to me at the window. “Do you know I usually find you like this? You’re always looking toward the ocean, no matter where you are.”
I smiled and stretched my arm around her shoulders. “It’s where I find my inner balance.”
“I believe it. I have witnessed it. I could probably stick around another hour if you’d like.”
I turned away from the window. “No. I’m fine. Don’t interrupt your day. I’ll be fine. Can I take a shower?”
“Of course,” she said. “I’ll make you some toast. I might have eggs. If not, I can probably find a frozen waffle or something.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I assured her.
I headed for the shower. I was lying about the things I had to do. I didn’t really have shit to do, other than take care of all the shit I’d left behind. I wasn’t looking forward to that.
Deep down, I knew I had to go home. I was going to have to face the memories head on. Part of me wanted her to be there with me when I did. Another part of me didn’t want her to witness my vulnerability and weakness. I couldn’t bring myself to let her all the way in.
Me holding back would ultimately destroy any relationship we forged.
Chapter 60
Evie
I checked the time, mentally noting that everything was right on schedule. I walked to the bar being set up under Nelle’s direction. The woman did not mess around when it came to setting up her workstation. There was a wrong way and there was Nelle’s way. There was no in between. It was why she was so damn good at her job.
“Hey, drill sergeant,” I said.
She turned to me, putting a hand on her hip and giving me that look that said she was going to murder someone. “I’m missing a case of liquor.”
“Uh oh. Is that on my end or your end?”
“Mine. Not mine but mine.”
I nodded with understanding. One of her minions had failed her. “Do I need to do anything?”
“Nope. I’ve got it handled.”
“I knew you would.”
“Walk with me,” she said in a way that made it clear it wasn’t a request.