“But he did Sophie, so go and get in the car, okay?” I don't know if it’s because Roman hears his brother’s voice or if it’s because he is pinned down to the floor, but he actually seems a whole lot calmer now. My limbs decide it’s time to move again and I slowly step out of the bathroom, past Ivan and Roman, and down the hall toward the front door.
I do as Ivan asks and lock myself in his car. A short while later a second car pulls up beside me and I watch as Mac and Devin get out and walk into the house. Ivan walks out moments later unlocking the car with his key before he opens the driver side door and slides into the seat.
“I’m going to take you to my place. You can stay with us as long as you want. I won’t ever make you come back here again.”
“I love him…” I confess to Ivan, because what else is there to say? How else could I explain to him why I don’t want to see him hurt...why I don't want Ivan to tell me that I don’t have to see him again. Even though it shouldn't be, loving him is the only thing that still makes sense.
And I’m not going to give up on him even after all of this…
33
Roman
It’s been two weeks since the worst day of my life happened, and still, the images haunt me as if they occurred yesterday. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the sound of Sophie crying, begging me to stop. Her trembling voice told me she was scared…scared of me, that image of her, looking up at me, fear in her beautiful blue eyes, will forever be embedded in my mind.
I’m not trying to forget any of it, though. The opposite, in fact. I force myself to relive that day. Everything I remember, I let it replay in my mind. I let the pain of what I did hit me over and over again, like waves crashing against the beach. It’s what I deserve.
I haven't seen Sophie since that day, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see her again. I know there is no way she can possibly want to see me, let alone still be with me, not after what I did…after the way I treated her. There is nothing in this world that I could do to make up for my actions. No apology, no words, no actions. I can never take back that day or the things I did.
And still my heart yearns for her. I want to hold her in my arms, tell her how much I love her, and tell her how sorry I am for choosing those stupid fucking pills over her.
“You need to eat something.” Mac appears out of nowhere next to my bed holding out a plate of food to me as if he expects me to eat it.
“Come on man, you’ve been cooped up in your room for two weeks now. You need to eat something, get some fresh air and for fuck sakes take a shower. This whole fucking room stinks.”
I shrug, I don't really care, not anymore. “If I eat and take a shower will you leave me be? Just go home and don’t worry about me.”
“Sorry, no can do. First of all, you’re my best friend and I kinda like you, but also Ivan would kill me if I let you out of my sight and no offense but I value my life too much to step on your brother’s toes.”
I roll my eyes. “I guess then I have no reason to eat or shower.”
Mac frowns. “Look everyone knows you didn’t mean to hurt her…”
I cut him off. “I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity. If you’re going to feel sorry for someone let it be Sophie. She had to endure the events of that day after already having been beat by people that were supposed to love her. I’m no better than those bastards.”
I feel sick to my stomach every second of the day. I can’t imagine what Sophie is going through. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid, that I gave her up for a little high.
“Nobody pities you. I’m just telling you that you don’t have to act like you’re a fucking criminal who beats women. You fucked up, and you’ve learned from it. You can’t go back...all you can do is go forward.”
“And maybe that’s my problem Mac...maybe all I want is to go back.”
Mac sighs loudly as I turn away from him.
“Unless there is something else you want to say, I suggest you leave.”
“Matter of fact there is…I canceled the fight for this weekend.”
“Fuck no!” I’m off the bed in a second. “I’m fighting.”
“Roman, you are in no shape to go into that ring.”
“And who the fuck are you to decide that?”
“I’m your friend...one that doesn't want to see you get killed because your head isn’t in the right place.”
“See that’s where you’re wrong. This is the clearest my head has been in years.” Matter of fact I don’t even remember the last time my mind was this clear. I haven't even taken as much as a Tylenol in two weeks, even though I had the headache of a lifetime after that fucking acid trip. I’ll never put shit into my body that doesn’t belong there.
I grab the stupid sandwich off the plate and eat it in three large bites before I head to the shower. “I ate your fucking sandwich now I’m going to take a shower, then go to the gym to prepare for the fight this weekend. I’ve already lost too much by being fucking stupid. I’m not going to lose fighting too.”
“You’re beyond fucking stupid…so stupid you’re probably going to get yourself killed!” Mac yells at me as I slam the door in his face.
So what if I get myself killed.
Maybe the world would be a better place if I was gone.
Maybe she’d be safer if I never existed.
This will be the first fight since Sophie started living with me that she’s not here to watch. I didn’t realize how much I needed her support until I didn’t have it anymore.
It cripples me beyond disbelief to know I hurt her, that I lost her over something as stupid as an addiction to something I never should’ve started taking in the first place. I didn’t need those pills—not like I need her. It was all in my head, the idea that I needed something to make me stronger.
I slide into the passenger seat of the Tahoe, holding my head in my hands. My stomach is churning and for the first time in forever I’m nervous about the fight.
“How you feeling?” Mac asks as he slides into the driver’s seat. Dev gets in the back seat and slams the door closed behind him.
“Like shit,” I announce. I thought following through with this fight would make me feel better. I thought it would be something that I would want, but now that we’re on our way there I don’t even care about going anymore.
“Well you’d better get your ass in gear. You’ve never lost a fight, and you can’t start tonight.” He was right I couldn’t lose tonight, not if I valued my life, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if life was worth living without Sophie.
I didn’t deserve her, now more than ever, but that didn’t make my heart stop beating for her. It didn’t make my body stop craving her touch. My world started and ended with that girl and I had gone and fucked it up for a little bit of a high.
“Hey, just relax, and focus on the fight.” Dev slaps a hand on my shoulder, but I don’t even feel it. Not really. I’m too caught up inside my head. Too caught up in my own wrong doings.