“What do you know, Mary?” Pressing my foot down harder against her hand, she cries.
“Just leave me alone, Cord,” she says, her strength turning to fear. Her sobs mean nothing. Her threat means everything. Pressing the gun to her forehead, she cries harder.
“Never again, will you threaten me.” The growl that rips through me startles her. Pulling the trigger, I watch as blood and brains splatter in a mixture on the wall behind her, her lifeless body crumbling to the floor.
“Damn. You’re going to ruin the walls in this room,” Jordy chuckles. I don’t see this as a laughing matter. Snapping my head around, I move the gun to face him, now.
“I didn’t ask you for your interior design input. Clean this bitch off my wall.” His smile fades. Jordy nods his head before making a few calls for the clean-up crew. I feel shitty for treating him the way I do but I can’t control myself anymore. Scrubbing my hand across my face, I turn and walk out of the room. At some point I'll have to pull my shit together. I head off to be ready to get at least a fucking hour of sleep and pray that I can actually do just that, but it doesn’t happen that way.
Will the nightmares ever end? Will they always be the same? If it isn’t Amelia’s little bloody body, it’s Ava’s. One is real, while the other just taunts me. The night I lifted her in my arms, plays on repeat in my mind. So small and helpless. It was all my doing. I let her feel safe with me, with this family. I took her last breath. I sucked it right from her body like a goddamn siphon.
Ava’s dreams are all different, but the end result is the same. She’s always bloody and lifeless. I find her much the same as Amelia. Her body's dumped like trash on my doorstep. Is it a premonition? Is it just the thoughts of her that haunt me? For the last five years I’ve tried to control myself. I’ve taken the goddamn medicine that the Doc gave me to sleep, but that only seems to intensify the dreams. I wake up much the same every time. My body shaking and covered in sweat. In every one, I lose her, much like I did five years ago. I lie back on my pillow and try to pull the good memories of her from the depths that I’ve kept them. Those seem to be the only things keeping me going at this point.
Life has never made sense to me, but losing the two people that I cared about made it that much more confusing. Closing my eyes, I will the dreams to stop. I hate that I can control so much in my world but not this, not the feelings. Fog seems to sweep up around me. Maybe it’s the ashes of the hell that I live in. A knock on the door has me opening my eyes.
“What is it?” It’s three in the goddamn morning. Whoever it is better make it good.
“Cord, I need to speak with you.” Nikolai’s voice booms through the door. The tone that he has, tells me I need to hear this as much as I’d like to wait. Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I walk toward the door. When I throw it open, I can see something’s off. It’s all over his face. I fucking hate when I see that look. It usually means someone is dead or I have to drag my ass out at some fucked up hour to handle someone else’s misfortunes.
“What is it?” Shaking his head, he recomposes himself.
“Governor Sinclair called. He needs to meet with you as soon as possible.” This couldn’t wait? I don’t give a damn about Sinclair.
“Tell Sinclair to fuck off.” Waving my hand dismissively through the air, I start to close the door when Nikolai stops it.
“No, Cordae. I think you want to hear him out on this one.” I turn on my heel to face him again. His older face is so grey and haunted. A man like Nikolai has lived this hell for as long as I’ve known him. I can imagine myself looking exactly like him. In fact, I can already feel it in my bones.
“What exactly does Sinclair know that you think I’d actually give a shit about?” His eyes close momentarily before locking back on mine.
“Ava. She’s missing.”
How can her name, those three little letters, send chills up my spine? How does just hearing her name cause my stomach to clench? The bile that rises in my throat threatens to consume me.
“What?” Shaking my head, I need to be sure that I’ve heard him correctly.
“He’s had contact with her over the last few years. He hasn’t heard from her in a few months. He’s worried that something has happened to her.” I swallow hard. She’s missing. This is my fault. I should have kept protection on her, but I figured after Gambino was dead, she was safe. Nikolai shakes his head before he speaks.
“I can see it in your eyes, Cordae. This isn’t your fault.” He knows me. He’s always known me.
“Is that so? I should have kept track of her, Nikolai! Why didn’t I?” Raising my voice, I take a step back into my room. I can’t believe this is happening.
“You thought she was safe. No one blames you!” He shouldn’t poke at the devil if he isn’t ready for the flame.
“I blame me! I fucking blame me for all of this!” Tugging at my hair, Nikolai moves closer. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he lets out a sigh.
“I knew this was going to be hard on you. I debated even telling you.” That’s it. I can’t handle this. Leaping off the bed, I grab him around the throat.
“Who do you work for?” Growling in his face, he blinks rapidly.
“I know who you are, Cord. I know the monster you’ve become. I see you breaking down every goddamn day. I didn’t want to see you further lose yourself.” His words slam into me like a fist to the stomach. They hurt deeper than any knife could. I release my grip on him before he slaps a hand on my shoulder.
“Sinclair will be here at seven. I have our guys on it now. They are checking into things. In the meantime, I got that meeting with Luciano in Chicago. The Russians are moving in on them over there. Maybe it’s time to call a truce with some of the other families.” I don’t listen to any of that. Ava’s missing, and it is all my fault despite what he says. I broke that girl. I left her to pick up her own pieces. Pieces that I destroyed. I nod my head before Nikolai leaves the room.
He’s right. I’m losing control of myself, of this family. I’m losing sight of the big picture. I grab my cell phone off the table next to the bed and pull up her picture. She was asleep when I took it. Her hair was fanned out around her. I can’t believe that I’ve ruined so many people in the short amount of time that I had them. Flipping to the next picture is Amelia. Her dark eyes lost in thought.
She would have made an incredible woman. She was strong and full of life. She was a warrior whether I wanted to see it in her or not. I took that away from her. My negligence, my lack of responsibility, left her vulnerable.
Now, I’ve done the same thing to Ava.
Chapter 30
My shower did little to erase what was said. As much as I’d like to apologize to Nikolai, that isn’t an option. It shows signs of weakness. Weakness that I’m not willing to show as he’s already seen too much of that from me.
“Sinclair is here.” Jordy stands in my bedroom. I dry my hair before sliding my shoes on.
“How does he look?” Buttoning the cuffs on my shirt, I wait for his answer. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he presents himself. That’s why no one has ever been able to read me. I keep myself composed. I don’t let anything show, much like I was taught.