“You’re wrong, Cord. I won’t let you push me away.” She takes a step back towards me before pressing her hands to my bare chest.
“You have a heart inside of you. A heart that begs to be freed. Amelia started to open you up to that fact. I watched your love for her grow in its own way. The way you gave her things and took the extra time to learn what she liked. I saw how you watched her at the table doing her homework when you thought you were alone. I saw you.” Why does she do this to me?
“You saw what I wanted you to see. You never saw me, Ava.” Her hands move from my chest. She grabs my face roughly in her hands, forcing me to look at her.
“No. You won’t hide it or deny it. I know what I saw, Cord. I saw the man that you were destined to be. The man that knows right from wrong. The man that loved that little girl with everything he had in him, he just didn’t know how to show it.” How can she know that? How can she see through the façade that I keep so stiffly in place? Ava doesn’t give me time to talk. She moves quickly, slamming her lips against mine. Frantic and full of pain, she kisses me without reserve. She claims my lips with hers. My head spins as I let her words sink into me. She knows me inside and out like no one has ever known me. When she pulls away, I look her in the eyes.
“I want to make love to you, Ava. Not fuck you. I want you to feel what I can never be. I know in my heart who I am and what I’m destined for.” Lifting her in my arms, she wants to protest but I don’t give her time. She needs to see the emptiness that resides inside of me. No matter how much I want to let those feelings free, I can’t. Laying her on the bed, I slide the t-shirt up her thighs before lowering my pants. Tears form in those crystal blue eyes. I climb between her legs and gently slide inside of her. Cupping her face in my hands, I move gently within her warmth.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be someone else.” Whispering the words to her, she shakes her head.
“I never wanted anyone but who you are.”
Chapter 26
I never knew pushing Ava away would hurt as badly as it does. My chest seems to be permanently clenched. It aches like nothing I’ve ever felt. I walk into the church with Ava next to me on one side and Jordy and Nikolai on the other. It seems so surreal to be coming to my sister’s funeral. A funeral that should have been mine.
We take our seats at the front as people filter in. I knew this would be a big turn out because of who I am and who she was. The pastor begins to speak as my mind wanders. Funerals were never my thing. Talking about the life of the dead never made sense to me. They’re gone, there is nothing we can gain from that. There are no words that can comfort the grieving. He speaks but I hear nothing. There’s a buzz all around me, inside me. Nothing in this world made any sense to me until Ava and Amelia showed up. Now that’s all being ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. Her tiny body lies in that coffin, a victim of this cruel and senseless world.
It isn’t fair to Ava for me to keep her in the depths of hell along with me. Until I can figure out the best moves for me and what to do about Gambino, she can’t be near me. I look over to find her eyes on me, picking up every little piece of ash from my crumbled soul, holding them in her battered hands. I reach for her hand, but she knows what’s happening. I can see it in those eyes. I turn back and listen to the pastor speak about Amelia’s life as if he’d known her. I fight the tears that threaten to eat away at me if I let them.
“Amelia was an angel. She was forced into a world of sin much like we all are. She skated on that thin line between heaven and hell. We all find ourselves there at some point in time. Amelia found her way into heaven. She now soars high above us all, taking pieces of us with her.” I can’t handle this. I want to crack. I want to run from the church. Too much hurt radiates through my body. It eats away at my insides. The air in the room is stifling. I can’t breathe. Taking a few deep breathes, I steady myself as the pastor finishes up.
When it’s time, I release Ava’s hand and get the hell out of there. Rounding the corner, I lean against the wall of the church sticking a cigarette between my lips. I’m not even a smoker, not since I was younger.
“We will make them suffer, Cord.” Nikolai comes to stand next to me as I nod.
“That, I have no doubt. They will all pay in due time.” He nods before looking over at Ava. She talks with Jordy, but her eyes are so sad. I hate that for her. She was bright and lively once before. Yeah, before I got my hands on her. Now she has my darkness within her, and she can’t escape it. I’ve put it there. It’s like a brand of sorts, burned into her soul.
“What about her?” Glancing from her to Nikolai, I shrug.
“What about her? She has her life. She isn’t tied to me.” He lets out a huff that does little more than irritate me. “Say what you’d like, Nikolai. This is no time to hold back.” My tone is stern. I have to harden myself if I’m going to make it through this.
“She brings out another side of you, Cordae. One that’s been hidden for so long. You are so young still. You have a life in front of you. A lifetime of happiness is all that you deserve.” Chuckling, I inhale another drag from the cigarette.
“I deserve nothing more than I received, Nikolai. Do I appear to be a good man to you? We both know what I do and who I do it to. Don’t try to sugar coat it with me. I am who I am, and I’ve grown to accept that. Now I wish you’d do the same. This isn’t a debate.” Flicking the cigarette to the ground, I stride over and grab Ava’s hand leading her to the waiting limo. There will be no further discussion about this. I usher her inside before climbing in behind her.
“Are you ok?” Nodding once, I turn towards the window.
The sky has darkened since we’ve been in the church. A storm is brewing on the horizon. Ava scoots closer to me, covering her hand with mine as the car starts to move. She intertwines our fingers. The warmth of her engulfing me. Her scent lingers all around me. I let her have her moment. I let her have this time, this reprieve. Once this funeral is over, so are we. She’s destined for better things in life. I will make sure she is protected every step of the way until I have Gambino out of the picture.
She will live and become the woman that she’s always wanted to be. She will move forward, find love, and have her fairy tale. I am just a bump in her road of life. She will overcome me. She will overcome the darkness that I have instilled in her. Pulling into the cemetery, I steady myself. This is it. The end of the line for the two people that I’ve cared about the most in my life. One is going to heaven and the other is going to find her way. We pull into the cemetery and park. I climb out grabbing Ava’s hand and leading the way. We stand there, listening yet again to another speech of goodness and God’s will. I zone out much like I always do at these types of things. It isn’t until people start walking away that I notice it’s over.
I stand at her graveside long after the service ended. I can’t bring myself to walk away just yet. This makes it so final. The last time that we will be together. It hurts me to know that this is it. When I walk away from here, I won’t be able to watch her doing her homework or catch the little smiles that she used to throw at Nikolai and Ava. I’ll never earn one. I never did anything to earn one. This is my fate, this coffin in front of me. It’s the world of the mafia. It’s a cruel world indeed. Her hand comes to rest on my back before she moves to stand beside me. The fire in her touch is something that I am going to miss deeply. The way she can ignite so much inside of me has knocked me off my feet so many times.