My mother was a godsend in those few first rough months where I was heartbroken and afraid, battling morning sickness and then again when Charlotte was born. She was there for me, she let me cry or picked me back up when I felt overwhelmed and ready to give up, not believing that I could do this on my own. She was there to hold my hand when I was in labour for twenty two hours. That is certainly not an experience I will ever forget.
It’s been fifteen fucking agonising hours and this kid is still in me. Why won’t she come out? I’m sick of all these nurses and doctors coming in smiling at me, checking my vagina only to tell me it won’t be long now. If I hear that one more time I swear I will murder someone.
Why don’t they try putting up with this pain for that long? My lower back is killing me and it doesn’t matter what position I sit in, nothing helps.
I’m exhausted, covered in sweat and tired. I just want to sleep.
My mother told me to have the epidural but no, I had to be a hero and have a natural labour, I wanted to feel and experience it all. Yeah well fuck you childbirth – you suck.
It’s a quiet moment between contractions and all I can think is that Nicholas should be here with me, to hold my hand or rub my back, but he’s not. I still miss him every day and I get so upset over it that I start crying. Damn you Nicholas Moore. Why did he ruin us?
Finally I’m told it’s time to push and I’m terrified. Can I really do this? I look over at my mother in a panic.
She takes my hand and not only calms me down but gives me the words of encouragement I need.
“Alannah, you are strong and can do this baby girl. Come on sweetheart, your baby will be here with you in your arms very soon, don’t be afraid.”
Okay, I’m ready to do this.
I bear down and push with everything I have.
Oh my God! The burning. Why did no one tell me about this fucking burning? I feel as if I’m being ripped in half.
As soon as I hear her cries and hold her in my arms all the pain, everything and everyone else just disappears. My heart fills with so much love for this tiny little human that she is the only thing that matters to me from this moment on, everyone else be damned.
I finally understand what they mean by a mother’s love. I would give my life to protect her. I also now realise the amount of love my mother has for me if it’s anything like what I’m feeling just looking at this precious baby.
I wish I could give you the life and family you deserve but we’ll be okay kiddo. I won’t let you down.
I promise myself that today is the last day I’m going to think about or even cry over one Nicholas fucking Moore. It’s his loss.
I have made a life for myself here. Sure it can be a bit lonely at times but I make do. Rachael comes to visit us whenever she can. She got married three years ago and has a daughter herself. She is the cutest little girl with her strawberry blonde locks. The first time she flew down to surprise me with a visit I was seven months pregnant and couldn’t hide it. She put two and two together and knew the baby had something to do with me leaving. I had to finally tell her what occurred that day when I told Nick I was pregnant. She was furious and ready to immediately fly back and kill him but I begged her to stop and leave it be. It was too late.
However she didn’t listen and after Charlotte was born Rachael told me she went to see him just the once and tried to talk sense to him. Nicholas didn’t want to hear it and kicked her out of his office. It’s his loss, because she is the most sweetest and loving and clever little girl. Everyone adores her.
Nick has made it clear he doesn’t want us in his life, that she’s not even his. I’ve tried not to think about him and all the pain he caused me like I promised myself but it’s impossible when my daughter has his eyes and his temper and every now and then I see his photo in the media. He’s become more successful as the years passed and one of the country’s most eligible bachelors. He looks the same, good looking bastard that he is. If only they knew what a dark and cold heart he hides.
Snapping out of my daydream I realise I’ve been holding the mug under the running water for ages. I turn the tap off and go in search of my child who is hopefully dressing herself and didn’t get distracted. It’s our usual Monday morning mad rush to get ourselves dressed and ready to leave for the day. I need to drop Charlie off at day care and get to work.
John told me last week that some big city guy from a huge corporation is coming down in three days’ time to look at some large vacant properties around here and if we hook him that it will mean a massive commission for us. It’s going to be a hectic week and we need to have a list of properties ready to be shown and all the details available to him.
“Charlie, are you dressed?”
“Yes, Mummy,” she calls out from her room.
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Yeah.” I highly doubt that, this child hates doing it. I walk into her room to see her trying to buckle her sandals. I kneel down to help her.
“Open your mouth, let me see.” He eyes widen but she lets me inspect her mouth. I take a little sniff, there is no trace of mint and I can see remnants of her cereal stuck in her back teeth. “Charlotte Stewart, go brush those teeth right now or your breakfast will be stuck there forever and start to grow mushrooms.” She rushes to the bathroom. That always does the trick, she absolutely hates mushrooms. She thinks they’re slimy.
Finally out the door, I lock up and we get into my second hand, dark green, two door hatchback. It has no power steering, manual windows and the air-conditioning barely works but it’s been reliable so far and gets us where we need to go. Thankfully we left on time and the traffic is not terrible this morning.
We reach Sunny Kids Kindergarten and Charlie runs ahead eager to see her friends. I follow behind carrying her My Little Pony backpack. I sign her in, hang up her bag on her hook and quickly greet her teacher before getting my daughter’s attention to come say bye to me.
“Have a fun day. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“Bye, Mummy.” I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek.
“I love you.” I say to her and go through our usual routine.
“I love you more.”
“Not possible.”
“Is possible.”
“I love to you to the moon and back.”
“I love you infinity.”
“Okay, you win today. Bye sweetie.”
I arrive at the office with five minutes to spare. As I walk in I greet our receptionist Tracey. She graduated high school last year and needed to work to help support her family however plans on going to university next year to study law if it all works out. She’s a lovely girl and always eager to help out around the office.
“Morning, Tracey.”
“Hi, Alannah.” She replies before answering the ringing phone.
After dumping my bag on my desk, I check to see if John is in yet. I find him seated behind his desk in his office going over some property contracts. He’s dressed in his usual white shirt with blue tie and black pants.
“Hi, how was your weekend?” I ask.
“Hey there, it was good. We took the girls out to the zoo seeing as it was nice weather. How about you?”
“It was fine, the usual, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping and keeping Charlotte entertained.”