“I’m…I’m sorry, Alannah. For everything. I couldn’t see past my anger and your supposed betrayal. I can’t go back and change what happened, all I’m asking for is a chance to meet my daughter and maybe if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, to give me a second chance. I will do anything you ask of me, I will make it up to you somehow and no I don’t want to take her away from you. I would never do that. I miss you. I still think about you every day. I haven’t stopped loving you.”
She looks at me unimpressed and unbelievingly.
“Really? Just like that? You think all you need to say is I’m sorry to take away five years of anger and pain.”
“No, I don’t, but it’s a start.” She uncrosses her arms and points a finger at me.
“Let me tell you something. You were never there, not when I needed you, not when I gave birth to our daughter, on all the sleepless nights, the illnesses and fevers, not when she spoke her first words or took her first steps, her first day of day care, none of it, it was all me so what do you want, why now, Nicholas? You told me to my face that she wasn’t yours.”
“I was wrong, okay. I admit it. I was wrong and made a mistake. I shouldn’t have accused you of cheating, but you were pregnant and I couldn’t believe what you were telling me, that it was mine so I lashed out at you.”
“And refused to speak to me, let’s not forget that. So what changed? All of a sudden now you think she’s yours?”
“Two years ago I had some tests done and found out that the vasectomy I had reversed itself, which apparently sometimes occurs. I didn’t know that could even happen. It’s taken me this long to get the courage to approach you.”
“So you still didn’t believe it until you had fucking doctors tell you otherwise. Wow, you’re some piece of work. Why did you never tell me about it to begin with?”
“I don’t know, it just never came up, we never discussed children and I had it done so long ago that I never really thought about it.”
She moves and sits on the couch. I slowly lower myself beside her, leaving a decent amount of space between us. I’m watching her, however she is staring off into space.
“I cried myself to sleep for months. You don’t get to do this. You can’t fix this with a few words,” she whispers and I can hear the pain in her words.
“I know, Alannah. Believe me I know.”
“You have had five years to come to me and tell me this, hell I was still in Sydney for weeks but you didn’t come, you made no effort, you wiped your hands clean of me so easily. You obviously didn’t care about me as much as you said. You made it clear that I wasn’t worth it. You didn’t fight for us, Nick. I had to learn how to survive with a broken heart because I had no choice. It’s too little too late. I would have done anything for you, yet you treated me worse than dirt on your shoes. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t get pregnant on my own, it takes two people.” She finally turns to face me, her eyes that were so full of life are showing me nothing but sadness. “Over the years there has been so much I wanted to say to you, to yell at you about, and now that you’re here, I have nothing. You gave up on us, not me.” Hearing her speech has me wishing I could invent a time machine to go back in time and change our past. If anyone feels like dirt, it’s me.
How is she going to take this next piece of news?
“There’s something else and it’s important. The reason why I had the vasectomy and didn’t want to have children in the first place is because of a condition called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. It’s a hereditary heart condition which affects the muscular walls surrounding it. It makes it harder for the heart to pump the blood out of it and around the body. I’m fine, but I’m a carrier. My biological father had it and I could potentially pass it on to any offspring I may have. I couldn’t go another day without knowing if the child you had, that we made has it. I have to know if I have given her the condition or a healthy heart.”
There, it’s now out there and I feel terrible that I had to tell her something like this. I lost my biological father at the age of ten from the disease, my mother having died when I was still a baby. The Moore’s adopted me not long after my father’s death. Of all the things to be left behind with, it had to be this fucking heart issue.
Alannah looks like her whole world has crashed and burned around her.
“WHAT?” She stands from the couch and towers over me. “How could you keep this to yourself for so long? You God damn selfish bastard,” she yells.
I also stand, where she begins to continuously hit against my chest while crying. I take hold of her wrists and pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her, letting her cry into my shirt. It feels good to have her in my arms again evens if it’s just for a minute.
I talk softly in her ear.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Alannah, I never wanted any of this to happen. When I truly accepted the fact that she’s mine all my fears came to the surface. That day, I couldn’t handle the truth, or the possibility that my baby would be born with something wrong because of me however there’s only a fifty percent chance she may have it at all.”
She pulls away from me wiping her face.
“Not good enough, you should have told me sooner. I’ll get her tested, but I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s never been sick besides the usual cold and sore throat.” All I can do is nod and agree with her. “I hate you.” She tells me.
“I know.” I reach over to wipe a tear from her cheek but she jumps away from me.
“Don’t touch me,” she sneers.
I can’t explain the urge that comes over me but I kiss her. I grab her face and bring her lips to mine. At first she freezes from the shock then puts her hands on my chest to roughly push me away. I’ve dreamed about kissing her again for far too long. However brief it was she tastes and feels exactly like I remember. I need her to give us a second chance, not that I deserve it. I’ll do anything she asks of me.
“What the hell are you doing? It’s time for you to go.” Her fingers run across her lips. I would apologise but I’m not sorry.
“Can I meet her? You don’t have to tell her who I am. I just want a chance to spend some time with her.” She looks down at her feet.
“I really want to say no but I can’t do that to her.”
Taking that as my cue to leave I walk towards the door and she follows behind me. I stop before opening it up to hand her my card with my contact details.
I hesitate in the doorway. Why is it so hard to leave?
“What’s her name?”
“You didn’t have your people find that out for you?”
“No, I didn’t. I want to do this the right way.” She scoffs at that.
“Charlotte. I named her Charlotte because when I was pregnant I would read Charlotte’s Web out loud to her and she would move around in me more than usual.” She smiles at the memory.
“Goodnight, Alannah.”
“Goodbye, Nick.” She closes the door behind me.
I get in the car and drive back to the hotel. I suppose all things considered tonight wasn’t a total disaster. I will make everything right again. I will make us a family the way we should have always been if I wasn’t so stupid. First though I need to meet Charlotte and see what the doctors say before we can move forward.