But nothing about our child.
His child.
I was never as happy as I was the moment I heard and then saw John drive up. I could finally escape from Nick’s presence. Walking back to my car I had to pass Wade who was waiting for his boss outside their rental vehicle. He just nodded his head in greeting to me as I went by. I never realised how much I have missed everyone back in Sydney until just now by seeing Wade’s face. I was too busy being angry at Nick and raising my daughter that I never thought about anyone else who was once a part of my life. Deep breaths Alannah.
I somehow drove back to the office, finished out the day and now I find myself outside the day care centre sitting in my car. Charlie can’t see me so flustered and upset. I need to pull myself together. After a couple of minutes of getting myself under control I get out and on wobbly legs and make my way inside to collect Charlotte. I wrap her up in my arms and hug her tight taking in her scent. I need the comfort of holding her close to me, knowing she’s safe. What if he’s here to take her away from me? No, he wouldn’t, would he? I mean after all this time he can’t just show up to play daddy and fight for custody. Don’t get ahead of yourself and jump to conclusions. You don’t know anything for certain.
I get Charlie in her car seat, strap her in and drive us home. She’s chatting away from the back seat telling me all about her day but I’m not really paying attention and taking in what she’s saying. I keep looking back at her through the rear view mirror to make sure she’s still there. God, I’m acting crazy, she’s not just going to disappear.
Back home I make a start on food. I boil some pasta for Bolognese, already having the meat sauce prepared when I last made a large batch and froze it, so it only needs defrosting. I almost burn the garlic bread which my daughter finds hilarious. Listening to her giggle has me giggling and finally relaxing.
After a messy dinner, I’ve cleaned up and we’re both sitting out on our back porch as it’s such a lovely evening with fruit and vanilla ice-cream for dessert. I don’t want Charlie to pick up on the fact that I’m worried so I’m trying to act like everything is normal but I’ve been feeling out of whack since seeing her father again. How is it possible for him to still affect me so much after all this time? Why is he back and what exactly does he want?
Then he goes and makes that comment about motherhood agreeing with me. What the hell is he playing at?
Asshole.
Chapter 4
Nicholas
It’s just gone seven o’clock in the evening when I park outside Alannah’s home. It’s a cute light brick townhouse with flower boxes under the windows filled with colourful assorted blooms and wooden steps leading to the dark front door. I’m only in the city for a couple of days and I need to get her to talk to me, even if I have to force her to, I have to get her to listen to me. I’ve left it for far too long and I can’t let it go on any longer.
I’m walking up the driveway when I hear voices coming from the back of the house. I stop to listen. I won’t knock if she has a visitor. They must be sitting outside in the yard because I can clearly hear their conversation.
“Mummy, where’s my daddy, why don’t I have one?” Is that her? Is that her voice?
“What do you mean?” That’s Alannah.
“Well at school, Anthony said it’s his daddy’s birthday today and he’s going to a special restaurant for dinner. Then he asked me what I do when it’s my daddy’s birthday. I told him I don’t have one and he said that’s not true, everyone has a daddy. So where’s mine?” She sounds so sweet. I look down at the ground in shame.
What is she going to tell her? How will she handle this?
“Well sweetheart, what he told you is true. Everybody in the world has both a mother and a father but sometimes families only have one or the other, sometimes both. Sometimes kids have only two mummies or two daddies. So you see there can be different combinations and it still makes them a family just like you and me.”
“But where is he, why doesn’t he live with us?”
“Umm…you see, your father lives far away from here in another big city. Do you remember when we looked at the map of Australia? He’s on the other side of the country to where we are. But you do have one. When you were a baby he…he wasn’t sure if he would be able to look after you and wasn’t ready to be a daddy because he was always very busy with work. Maybe one day you will get to meet him but I love you more than enough for the both of us.”
“Oh.” I hear. Her childish voice breaks my heart. That little ‘oh’ conveying all sorts of confused thoughts and emotions. I’m the biggest fucking jerk around. It’s killing me to hear her so sad, but I have to admire Alannah, she handled that so perfectly, rather than revealing the harsh truth to our daughter, she’s an amazing mother. I’m an idiot.
A car comes to a stop in Alannah’s driveway so I hide around the corner of the house to not be seen. It’s Gina, her mother. I’m certain she hates my guts as well after what I did to her daughter. Gina knocks on the door and from what I overhear when it opens is that she’s here to pick up our daughter for a sleepover.
“Be good for grandma and have fun. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Mummy.”
The door closes and Gina reappears holding the little girls hand, who is skipping alongside her towards the car. This is the first time I’m laying eyes on my child. My heart literally stops and skips a beat. She’s gorgeous with those brown pigtails and in her yellow dress.
I swallow the lump in my throat and go to knock on the door more determined to get my family back and it’s probably for the best that she’s not here if it becomes ugly between her mother and I.
I rap three times on the wood and wait.
Alannah opens it talking, “Did you forget something?” She stops when she sees me and tries to slam the door shut in my face. I grab hold of the edge of it to stop her.
“Alannah please, we need to talk.”
“Why are you here? What do you want? We have nothing to say to each other.”“That’s not true and you know it. Please, I need to apologise to you, I need to tell you something. It’s important. We have a great deal to talk about including our child.”
“Oh, now we have a child together? I thought she was some other bastard’s.” I can’t blame her for being angry. She has every right to be.
“I don’t want to do this on your door step. Can I please come in?”
She thinks about it, in the end opening the door wide enough for me to enter, stepping back. I walk in and take in my surroundings. It’s small but bright and cosy. I see all the photos of the two of them around the room and on the walls. They’re smiling and look so happy. It’s my own damn fault I’m not in any of them.
Alannah stands opposite me with her arms crossed, her defensiveness loud and clear.
“Say what you need to say and get out. You’re not going to take her away from me are you?” She sounds terrified by that thought and I watch her eyes widen from the fear of it.
I take a deep breathe in then out and stick my hands in my pant pockets.