Kova was as devastating as a tornado.
A quiet sob escaped my lips. I puckered my mouth together.
I thought back to the first time I saw him again as a teenager at World Cup, how he stole my attention and took my breath away. We were inevitable then and we didn't even know it.
Kova had supported me and pushed me to be better than the day before. He believed in me and showed me how to succeed with the right skills, not just in the gym but in life. Even on my worst days when I wanted to give up, he encouraged me to do more, try more, knowing if I didn't give it my all, I'd regret it. He was the flame to the fuel in my veins. He saw the drive in me and ignited it.
Blinking my eyes, I felt a fresh need course through my body.
A new goal sprang to life.
It would be the riskiest one yet.
I was my new goal, and my incentive to thrive would be Kova. It was going to hurt so good.
That was how I was going to view us—a risk worth taking while I got better, healthier. Because I would. I refused any other outcome. I wasn't going to let lupus and kidney disease steal me any more than I already had, not when I had a lot of life in me left to live.
I took a seat near my gate away from people and placed my duffle bag on the floor near my feet. I reached inside and pulled out the gift wrapped in black tissue paper with the envelope attached to it.
I carefully tore off the envelope and accidently pulled back some of the tissue paper. The scent of his cologne bled from the paper as I slipped his note out of the envelope and unfolded it.
Sniffling back the last of my tears, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
My Dearest Malysh,
I was scared to want you. I still am.
Damn it. Fresh tears instantly filled my eyes.
Do not feel bad for the decision you have made. Even though it kills me, I do not regret a fucking thing. Every moment with you was worth having all the way until now, even the bad. If that was all the time I was allotted with you, then I will die a happy man. I hope it is not, though. I hope that when your mind wanders to the past, you think of us and the connection we made. I hope our goodbye opens a door for us to spend a lifetime together. This separation is one of many boulders for us to overturn. I want to be the one to help you lift them when times are tough, but I understand why you want to do it alone. After all, your fight is what I love about you.
You were right to leave.
When I came to your hotel room on the night after the meet I had pulled you from, it was then that I started to write about us every single day. What you made me feel, what you were going through, how I saw you through my eyes. Your strengths, my weaknesses. Our ups and downs. How I learned you were sick and keeping it from me. When I realized I loved you, and how I knew you loved me before you said it.
I smiled at that. I'd only allowed myself to love him in the dark until I couldn't hide anymore.
It is all there in my journal. Every thought, every feeling, they are yours.
I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth to cover it. Tears welled in my eyes. Kova gave me his private journal.
Read one page a day, no more.
Our time is not over, Malysh, but it is for now.
Ya lyublyu tebya vsegda I naveki.
X
Kova
I smiled sadly to myself and felt a fresh tear slip down my cheek. That was the first time he'd signed his name.
Taking out my cellphone from my bag, my screen lit up with the picture of us from that night in the hotel room. It felt like ages ago but the feelings came rushing back as if it happened yesterday. I decided to send him the picture.
He'd know why I'd sent it.
I shouldn't have thrown away my burner phone. Oh well. If my dad was monitoring my messages, let him see it. What was the worst that could happen at this point? I was leaving.
Just as I was about to slip my phone back into my bag, it dinged. I slid the screen open with my heart in my throat and grinned at Kova's response.
A black heart emoji.
I rolled my lips between my teeth and tasted my salty tears. It was so Kova, and I loved that.
Something happened when Kova came along. He changed me for the better, he gave me strength and helped me see my worth, even if it was a struggle at times. He also hurt me more times than I wanted to count, but I wasn't going to focus on moments that would only harden my heart.
The way we understood love started with pain. Our love story wasn't an easy one, so our ending wouldn't be either.
There were no hearts and rose petals about it, no white picket fence and butterflies. No children. No happy ending. But it was raw, it was real, and it was ours. It was tragically beautiful. No one could take that from us.
I didn't think either of us realized how deeply intertwined we truly were until we had to go our separate ways.
It was utterly devastating.
Fifty-Nine
One Year Later
"3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!"
The small crowd in the student center went wild. I huddled in the corner, regretting letting my teammates rope me into coming. I still had months before I could join them in the gym and competitions, but the coaches had thought it would be a good idea to come on board now and build the camaraderie. It turned out to be a good thing and had helped to occupy my mind for a while. I didn't have that team bond with them yet since I hardly knew them, but it felt nice to be included. It was a good start.
Avery knew what New Year's Eve meant to me and who I thought about.
I'd flown home for three days to spend the holidays with my family. Avery flew back with me the day after Christmas and has been here ever since to support me. Three days was all I could handle knowing I was in close proximity to him. The temptation was too strong to see him. There wasn't a doubt in my mind I would have borrowed Dad’s car to drive south.
"Happy New Year, bestie!" Avery said excitedly, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I pulled back and forced a smile on my face. "Still thinking about him?" I nodded solemnly, dropping the phony smile.
"Do you think he thinks about me as much as I think about him?" I asked, my voice small. Sometimes I wished I didn't think of him as much as I did.
"I do." She nodded. "He can't not be thinking of you," she said.
"Really?"
"Yes," Avery said, and I actually believed her. "I think it's as hard for him as it is for you."
I hoped so. This was agony.
Not incorporating gymnastics into my daily routine was a tough adjustment. Same with not incorporating him. I knew it would be hard, especially while going through dialysis. Just not this kind of hard. I reminded myself daily that this wasn't forever and that I would go back to the sport that I loved with every fiber in my body soon. I would take what I learned from him and apply it. Fortunately, I had the absolute best friend in the world by my side even if she was living states away. Like Avery had said, "I'm only a phone call away." And she was.
"I'm going to miss you when you leave," I said, pouting. "Who's going to braid my hair and read sex scenes with me out loud?"