Kova hadn’t been joking when he’d said he was going to make me feel his love. I had felt it from the moment I woke up. I’d called Avery a couple of times to vent. I’d decided not to tell her anything about Kova showing up and staying over. It was something I wanted to keep for myself.
I glanced at the time over the stove. Thankfully the movers had been running behind yesterday. It was late by the time they’d finished and I was already exhausted from the night before that I fell asleep shortly after I took a shower. I slept in as much as I could until I got up to pack the last few things in my check-in bag. I had only an hour to spare before Kova arrived.
My knee bounced and I bit my bottom lip until it was raw. I was a mess and paced the floor, looking for last minute things to tidy up. Kova would be here soon and I needed to calm my racing heart and steady my hands.
I told him I'd meet him downstairs, but he said he had something for me and asked if he could come up. There was no way I would tell him no, so now I was waiting—
My heart dropped into my gut when I heard the knock. I wiped my palms down my distressed jeans and walked toward the door. God, I was so nervous that I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Heat broke out over my skin in anticipation. The closer I got, sharp knots twisted in my stomach.
Reaching for the door, I took a deep breath and unbolted the lock to welcome him in.
Kova turned around to face me and I felt a fissure along my ribs.
Oh, God. I couldn't handle it. My heart was on fire, and all these emotions I'd slept on were climbing to the surface again. He looked like shit. There were dark circles under his lackluster eyes like he hadn't slept since he left here.
Before I could think better of it, I closed the distance and stepped into Kova. His arms immediately wound around my body and hugged me to him. My eyes closed feeling his warmth surrounding me. I heard something drop behind me but I didn't bother looking. Not when Kova held me like he needed me.
"Adrianna," he whispered in pure agony.
I pressed my face into the column of his neck and squeezed my eyes shut. Kova tightened his arms and I savored the feeling. I wasn't sure I could do it.
"Tell me I'm making a bad decision," I said, breaking down. "Tell me I'm being stupid."
Kova pulled back and looked into my eyes. He came in and shut the door. The back of his hand brushed over my cheek. My lips trembled. His eyes were glossy and rimmed with a tint of pink. The facial hair helped hide the hollowness of his jaw. Kova was in a much worse state than the other night. I didn't know how I was going to get through another second knowing he wasn't mine anymore, and I wasn't his.
"I think it is a terrible fucking decision. The absolute worst you have ever made." His voice was raw. "But you made the right decision," he whispered, sounding like he was on the verge of cracking.
I released a ragged breath. Kova reached for my side braid and ran his thumb down the fishtail design. I wanted desperately to reach out and touch him again. I ached to, because later today I'd be hundreds of miles away and wouldn’t be able to.
"Your hair has gotten so long," he said. I think it was more to himself.
"I'd cut it to my shoulders if it wasn't so thin now."
I was quiet, reflecting. His eyes flashed to mine. Kova liked my hair.
"I used to think my hair gave me headaches." He looked at me in confusion. "It was so heavy when I tied it up in a knot. I thought it was giving me raging headaches from the weight and pull of the rubber band. Now I know it was the lupus because I never wear my hair up anymore for that reason and my head still pounds."
Kova wrapped the braid around his fist and gave it a gentle tug. The corners of my mouth twitched at his playfulness. I lifted my gaze to his and my knees almost buckled.
The distance and raw emotion in his eyes choked me up.
His regret tore at my heart.
His desperation and hunger ran along my skin and sunk into every pore.
Kova was drawn. Lost. I felt him dying inside at the knowledge there was nothing we could do to save us. His defeat stripped me bare. It overrode who he was as a person, and that was upsetting. I didn't want to lose him.
Helplessly, he dropped my braid. "I wanted to give you something before you left."
I wiped my eyes, then dried my palms on my thighs as Kova retrieved the bag he brought in. I'd forgotten about it and realized that was the sound I heard behind me when we hugged.
Kova walked over and placed it on the kitchen counter, then reached inside. Once I got home from the Olympics, I hadn't been able to wear the necklace and bracelet set he'd given me for my birthday since Dad and Sophia were often around. I didn't want them to question me, or worse, take it away. I packed it first and told myself that once I was settled in Oklahoma I would never take it off.
I gasped and covered my mouth when my eyes landed on our spiral bound notebook. A memory flashed through my mind and I stifled a sad chuckle.
"Why did you laugh?"
I looked up at him. "Do you remember when I had this idea and what you said to me?" A crease lined the space between his brows. "You said it was the worst idea and you didn't want to do it."
His eyes flashed and he gave me a lopsided grin. He remembered.
My heart was thumping at the sight of it, wondering who'd had their dirty hands on it and read our personal letters. These words were ours, and ours alone. It upset me thinking someone read the personal thoughts I fought so hard to get from Kova.
"Where did you find it?" I asked. I hadn't seen it in months, not since Katja stole it and did who knows what with it.
"I got it back from Katja."
My skeptical eyes lifted to his. "What did you have to do to get it?"
He lowered his gaze. "Before I left here the other day, you said something that stuck with me. You said our love makes you sicker."
My jaw trembled and my nostrils flared trying to hold in my emotions. I had regretted saying that immediately after it left my mouth.
"You are right," Kova said quietly, like it was final, and that filled me with dread. "Our love does make you sicker. I hate myself for it because I know I am a huge part in that." He shook his head, struggling to finish. "That was it. It really hit me just how sorry I am for what I put you through when I married her. I broke you."
I moved closer to him, but he stepped back and put his hand up. I frowned.
"You didn't break me. I'm still here."
He lifted his eyes to mine. "I broke you that day, and you were not the same for a long time afterward." My heart ached hearing him confess his most private thoughts. "Regardless, you will never understand how sorry I am for what I did. I thought I lost you for good and made it my mission to fix it. I wish I could void out that part of my life like it never happened." Kova paused, his eyes were glistening. "But then I wonder if we would be where we are now…" His voice trailed off. "So, when I left here yesterday, I picked up a bottle of vodka on my way home and started to pack her things once I got there."
"Kova, you left early in the morning."
He gave me a knowing look. "I was drunk all day." I chuckled sadly under my breath, and he continued. No wonder he looked like shit when I opened the door. "To be completely transparent, I felt bad for her and thought giving her time was fair. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of you. The situation is not so easy to walk away from and start over. Katja and I have a lot of history. I did her wrong, she did me wrong." He paused, then finally handed me our notebook. "There is no reason for her to live with me, even if we are in the process of a divorce, not if it means I am going to lose you forever. You mean too much to me to chance that. I did not mean to upset you with that decision. I was just trying to do right."