Fuck this, I am going.
No, I cannot. I said I would give her time, and that is a promise I planned to keep.
FUCK. I want to fight for her now and show her we need each other. She stood by my side when I needed her the most. I should be by her side as she begins the hardest journey of her life, and I am not. She does not want me there and I have to respect that.
I let her down.
I have to believe the one thing I did right was let her go. I tell myself that often.
But the truth is, she is stronger than me. She said goodbye.
She let me go. For her. If that is not strength, I do not know what is.
I love her more for it.
Frank may have dropped the charges, but that does not change a thing. He and I will never be the same. There is no friendship, no acquaintance. Nothing. We are strangers.
Does it bother me? Yes, it does. Immensely. I want to rectify it, but I know there is not a single thing in the world I can do or say to fix this. I am not looking for friendship or forgiveness. I am not sure what I want from him. He was a good friend, and I ruined the bond between us. That is not who I am. I let him down, another person who trusted me, and lost faith in me.
Was it worth it? Ten times over. I would do it again in a heartbeat for her without remorse. Only this time it would be ten times better. I would love her harder, prove to her she is my world and that we need each other. I would love her first.
Love, what a finicky thing it is. It made me do things I did not know I could to another person. So many regrets, so many highs. I hate myself.
I guess I want to apologize to Frank for hurting him, but I will never apologize for loving her. And if he asked me if I could go back and change history, I would tell him no.
I guess there would be no reason for Frank and I to talk in the end.
The divorce was finalized and I drank myself into a stupor for a solid week, just like the night I married her. I should have found relief I am no longer tied to Katja, but all I felt was loss. Loss over her, not Katja. I should have said no to Katja from the start, but there were too many forces working against us.
I ruined three lives, and I am still without her. I am no one without her. What is life without her?
Katja had a baby boy. I am glad that chapter of my life with her is closed for good.
There is a beast pounding against the walls of my chest desperate to break free. I hear his voice in my head, his negativity is eating away at me. My world is so dark and the vodka does not quell this hunger.
I wish I did not love her as much as I did. I wish I could turn off the feeling. World Cup used to be my safe haven, a place where I could release my stress in the dark and alone. I joined a gym, but a regular gym does nothing for me. Ethan said I should attempt CrossFit, but flipping over a tire does not motivate me. The one thing that has helped has been running as far and as fast as I can until my legs give out.
I am a hostage to my emotions. I fear one day I will not break free from them.
I shut the journal and held it close to my chest, sinking against my headboard of my bed. I closed my eyes and exhaled. There was too much sorrow in his words for my heart to handle another page. I wanted to call him and make sure he was okay, just hear his voice to know and then hang up. But I wouldn't.
The nights were the hardest for me. It was when my mind raced with thoughts and my heart beat a little faster. I wondered if I hurt us both for my decision to leave. I wondered if we could ever come back from this. Sometimes I wished I could fast forward the days and months just to see if it was all worth it in the end. I didn't have this feeling that something wasn't going to happen, I just didn't like the unknown.
Sixty
Two Years Later
It was a week into the New Year, and just like the year before, a padded envelope arrived. Only, this time it looked bigger. I rushed into my condo and ripped it open. He’d sent four journals this time.
My Dearest Malysh,
I am a man still in love with someone I have no right to love.
X
Kova
I was so engrossed in his writings that I hadn’t noticed two hours had passed. I needed to eat something and take my medication before I was due to meet my personal trainer. I'd started competing again months ago, but these days I didn't push myself in the gym like I used to. My body simply couldn’t handle it. Instead, I played it smart and when I felt worn out, I stopped and took a break. Thankfully my coaches were understanding and didn't ridicule me otherwise.
Before I left, I decided to read a few more entries. I couldn't not, knowing I had a long night ahead of me. Even though I'd been taking my training slower than I wanted to, it still wore me out. I knew once I got home I would crash and I wouldn't be reading anything else.
However, that all changed when I picked up the third journal. I canceled my training session, knowing I would be in no position to work out. I wasn't prepared for the way his entries switched from him writing about how he felt and his life, to writing directly to me.
I found myself in a sea of emotion and longing. My chest ached and tears gathered in my eyes as I continued reading his entries.
As you know, I sold World Cup. I cannot even walk inside the gym without thinking of you, despite Madeline and Danilo requesting for me to come back. I have not coached since you left. I cannot bring myself to. It reminds me too much of you. Of us. You are everywhere I look inside of that gym. The day you left you took every part of me with you. I am now an empty shell of a man and nothing more.
I rushed the divorce with Katja because I was afraid of losing you rather than leaving her on my own when I wanted to, before it all came to a head. I made rash decisions when it came to us being together, always assuming I was doing the right thing. I acted out of fear instead of consideration. I know now by doing that, I never truly saw you. It kills me that it has taken me this long to finally grasp what you meant when you wanted me to put us first. I thought I was. I only wish I had understood when you were still here with me.
I know now that I am not half the man I thought I was. You trusted me with your heart, your body, and your soul. You showed me unconditional love, and what did I give you? Nothing. I gave you nothing but painful memories and tears that soaked your pillowcase at night. You must know I have a plan to fix all of the damage I have caused you.
Every day I miss your touch. Every minute I miss hearing your voice. Every second I hold out hope for us.
One thing I refused to miss was your return to the sport that brought us together in the first place, so I came and watched you. I purposely hid from you, but I was there in the stands as you lit up the room with your passion for gymnastics. You only competed on bars and floor. O bozhe, what a sight that was to see you again. I watched you. I watched the people watch you with nothing but awe on their faces. I am so proud of the gymnast you have become. You left a mark on your teammates and the spectators that day, the same way you left your mark on me.