“Call Drew, my pledge partner.” I know the answers, but the problem is following through.
Not giving in to the taste I miss so much.
Just like Raina.
I miss her more than anything.
Should I go to her? Show her I’m doing better? Maybe she—
No. Stop.
She left you, remember?
Besides, I’m sure she hates me after what I said. I doubt she wants to see me.
“Alright, I’ve scheduled your first outpatient therapy appointment for next week. Also, I printed out a list of times and places for AA meetings. Your sponsor information is in here along with important phone numbers, and I think that should do it.” Joanne hands me a folder and offers me a smile I don’t return.
Her face shifts, and her expression grows serious. “Listen, Levi. I know life looks rough right now. Being in here, away from temptations and the stresses of daily life, makes it easier to stay sober. But you can do this. There’s plenty of support for you, and people to lean on when you need to. You’re not alone in this.”
I try to digest her words, try to pull the good from what she’s saying in hopes it’ll lift me up and make me feel differently.
But it doesn’t.
After getting through the worse of the withdrawals, I still kept to myself, not caring to take part. All I thought about were the days passing and leaving this place. It feels like a prison with all your freedoms gone.
This last week, I found myself leaving my room more, needing the change of scenery. But nothing helped.
Not more therapy sessions, not more doctor’s appointments, not more calming activities. None of it.
The craving for a drink is as strong as ever.
But I have to ignore it, just as I do with the girl who broke my heart. Push it away and lock it up tight. Otherwise, I’m kicked out of the band for good.
“Thanks.” I take the folder and leave.
Freedom awaits. Here goes nothing.
Drew: U on ur way?
I text back a quick yes, boss and hurry down the steps of the subway station, the chilly December air nipping at my neck.
It’s warmer in here but not by much. And it’s full of people lost in their own world, not giving a fuck if you’re running late.
Like I currently am.
But hey, I’m on my way. Better late than never, I say.
It’s been a month since I walked out of rehab, and I have yet to touch a drop of alcohol.
Sixty days sober. Feels like a fucking lifetime.
It hasn’t been easy. Not one fucking bit. But I must admit, Drew’s a lifesaver. And as much as my shitty attitude seeps into most of my days now, I try not to take it out on him.
Without his support, I doubt I’d still be sober. He doesn’t keep any alcohol in the house, and when he’s around me, he doesn’t drink by his choice. It makes me feel less alone. Less secluded.
Drew also joined me at my first AA meeting when I almost chickened out at the last minute, embarrassed to show my face. But he stood by my side and didn’t once complain.
A few subway stops and a couple of blocks later, I arrive at our apartment with less than a half hour left to get myself presentable. There’s a big fundraiser dinner party tonight for the label, and we’re expected to show up nicely dressed and on time.
“Damn, you’re cutting it close.” Drew meets me at the door, ushering me inside while handing me a bottle of water.
“Thanks. I’ll be ready.” I lift the water toward him before taking a gulp, thirstier than I realized. Drew seems to know me better than myself.
“Thirty minutes, man. You got this.” Drew’s dressed in his new fitted suit, clean shaven and ready to go except for shoes. He’s never late.
Exactly thirty minutes later, I’ve managed to shower, shave, and dress, ready to go without a minute to spare.
“Shit, man, you did it.” Drew chuckles and then holds up his keys. “Let’s take my wheels tonight. Fuck the cold subway.”
“Hell yeah.” I grab my shit, and we’re out the door. “The subway is irritating as fuck during the cold weather.”
Drew nods and leads me to the back parking lot where he keeps his Jeep. He doesn’t use it much except during the cold months when walking or taking the subway isn’t ideal.
He enjoys having it here after working throughout high school to save for it. He always said he wanted a Jeep, and he did it.
“Yesterday, it was jam-packed. I felt like a sardine in a can. I could barely move without accidentally touching someone, and every time the train lurched, I ended up groping the person in front of me.”
I snicker, knowing exactly what he means. It sucks.
Drew fires up the Jeep and takes off, easily maneuvering through the tight spaces. “You feel okay about tonight?”
I shrug. “I guess. I mean, what choice do I have?” Brandon told me I had no choice. As much as I don’t want to go, I know I couldn’t say no. Not after everything that’s happened.
I’m lucky to still be here.
Brandon could’ve easily said fuck you and replaced me with some other guy who thinks he’s got what it takes, but he didn’t. He told me he believes me; he sees potential. I can’t keep fucking it up.
“I won’t drink tonight, and we can mingle as a team. Let’s get through the night so we can bounce and go find some real food besides the crap they’ll serve.” Drew makes a disgusted face.
He’s right. The food doesn’t taste bad; the portions are just so small you forget you even ate. How many pigs in a blanket can one person eat?
“You can drink if you want, Drew. Just let me drive the Jeep home.” I smirk, knowing he’ll say no. No one drives his baby except him.
“Ha, nice try.” Drew laughs. “I missed you, man. No joke.”
“I know. I missed you too.” It’s true. I have missed his friendship, our making music together, or watching dumb comedy movies.
But I still miss other things more.
Let’s not think about those right now…
Drew pulls into the parking lot, steering toward the back and parking in the last row. “Let’s get this night over with.”
“Fuck, I couldn’t agree more.”
I blink once. Twice. Three times.
Fuck.
Am I seeing shit?
Did someone spike my soda? Besides water, it’s the only drink I’ve allowed myself tonight.
Nope. It’s real.
It’s her.
She stands on the other side of the room near a table by the bar. Her long hair is swept up off her face, and her dress hugs her every curve.
My heart beats so hard I’m afraid my ribs will crack wide open, my already broken heart splattering at my feet.
But what’s worse… What stops my breathing and freezes me in place is that there’s a man next to her.
A man who’s not me.
She hasn’t noticed me yet, but my eyes are unable to look away.
What in the hell is she doing here?
Suddenly, the air in the room shifts, and our eyes connect across the room. Everyone else melts away but her.
It’s as if time stops, freezes for a blip where it’s only me and her.
Raina moves away from the man she was close to, her gaze never leaving mine. Who is he? What is she doing here?