“Honey?” A young voice startles me, and I look up to find a nurse smiling down at me. “I’m sorry to wake you, but I need to check his vitals.”
I move out of her way, the side of my face warm and wet from dozing off while crying. The nurse hands me a tissue. “Would you like a hug, honey?”
I look at this kind stranger who doesn’t know me but offers me love and kindness anyway. She reminds me of my mom, who doesn’t even know I’m here but would be here in a second if she knew I needed her.
Nodding my head, she pulls me in close. “I know it’s hard. Keep praying for him and don’t ever stop. I’ve worked here for a long time. Believe me when I say miracles do happen. Maybe not often, but they do.” She hands me another tissue and rubs my arm before turning back to Levi.
I watch as she takes his vitals and checks his machinery. She lifts his arms and legs, turning on the massage machines to help with his circulation.
Drew and Mable left a while ago, insisting they didn’t want to leave me alone, but I told them I needed this. If Levi doesn’t make it, this time alone with him is important to me, something I’ll have to remember of his last days alive.
With a lot of pleading, I was allowed to spend the night with him, something usually only reserved for next of kin. But thankfully, compassion won, and they let me stay. Plus, his dad can’t make it here for another week and no other family comes around. Even Drew’s parents came, but no one from Levi’s family except his father when the accident first happened.
Taking my phone, I sit in the reclining chair in the back of the room and type out a quick text to Dean.
Levi isn’t doing well. I’m going to spend the night here with him.
A moment later, he answers back, and I feel bad knowing he’s been waiting for the update I promised earlier.
Dean: Oh, no. What happened?
Raina: He slipped into a coma when trying to bring him out of the medically induced one. It’s not common, and they’re afraid he won’t come of it.
Dean: Shit, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Raina: No. Not really. I just want him to get better.
Dean: I know. Do you want me to come there and keep you company? I’ll sleep in the cafeteria if you want. Whatever helps you.
My eyes burn. I don’t deserve Dean’s caring heart. It’ll hurt his feelings, I’m sure, but I want to be alone. Need to be alone.
Raina: No, thank you. I need to be alone right now. I’m sorry.
Dean: Are you sure? I don’t mind…
Raina: Yes, but thank you. I’ll call you tomorrow
Dean: Good night. I love you.
Raina: I love you too.
I send the words but wonder how much I mean them.
“He’s all yours again, honey.” The kind nurse winks at me before she leaves. With a defeated breath, I shut my phone off and toss it in my purse. I dig out my journal and a pen and take my seat next to Levi.
And then I write. I write until the morning comes, pouring all my emotions out, so many of them drowning me. I write when the page is blurry and wet from tears, my tired eyes swollen.
I write as I stare at Levi and will him to wake up. To show me his smile, to tell me he loves me, and this was all a big nightmare.
And then I collapse on the recliner chair and cry myself into a fitful sleep.
Chapter Seventeen
Raina
My life is on hold.
Christmas is next week, and I want to stay in the city with Levi. I can’t bear the thought of being two hours away. What if something happened? I wouldn’t get back quick enough, and it would kill me.
Dean offered to keep me company, and Mable’s around, but I don’t know what I’ll end up doing. Getting through each day is enough.
“How’d your family take the news?” Mable asks me as she sips her coffee, wincing at the taste.
We sit in a booth in the far back corner of the hospital cafeteria. Finals start the next day, but my classes are the furthest thing from my mind.
I sigh and fidget with my coffee, stirring in sugar, though I doubt it’ll help. “Not great. My father’s mad. He thinks I’m throwing my life away for a man who isn’t worth it.” I swallow back the tears, the words painful.
“Oh no, Rai.” Mable reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “That’s a typical dad response. They all say that shit.”
“I’m sure my mom feels the same, but she won’t admit it, sparing my feelings at least. I know they just want what’s best for me, but I don’t know what to do. Anthony isn’t happy either. He knows more about Levi and me, and he thinks I’m making a big mistake.” I look away, my feelings a jumbled mess. My heart says stay, and my head tells me to go.
Why don’t they understand?
I love Levi, and I’ll do anything for him. Right now, he needs me. I failed him once, and I refuse to again.
“What do you want, Raina?” Mable studies me, her hair a shade of lavender now, my favorite one of hers so far.
I meet her gaze. “What do you mean? I want Levi to wake up of course.”
“I know that. I mean…” Mable pauses and takes a deep breath. “If Levi wakes up, no when Levi wakes up, will you go your separate ways and continue your relationship with Dean?”
Her question weighs on my chest. My heart hammers away, making it hard to breathe.
What will I do?
“I don’t know.” I blink back the tears threatening to spill over.
“Do you love Dean?”
Her question puts me on the spot, but it doesn’t surprise me, coming from Mable, my wild, outspoken roommate I’ve grown to love and cherish as one of my closest friends.
Words fail me, and I’m unsure how to answer. I love him I think, but do I love him like Levi? No.
Does it make me an awful person to love two men at the same time yet in different ways?
I can’t explain it if I tried. It’s all confusing.
“It’s okay to be in love with two men.” Mable sips more of her coffee and leans in close. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”
“Is it, though? How is it fair to either of them? Especially Dean. I feel selfish and guilty. God, Mable, this is all so fucked up.”
She half-smiles, her own tears spilling down her cheeks. “Believe me, I know.”
“I’m sorry, I’m such a bad friend. How are you doing?” I squeeze her hand this time. Mable is always here for me, and it’s time I show it back even when my life is in complete chaos.
Mable waves me off, leaning back against the booth. “Don’t worry about me. You have enough going on.”
“Are you and Ian okay?”
Mable looks around the room before her wet eyes meet mine again. “We’re okay. Just missing some of that passion, you know?”
“I know exactly what you mean.” My mind drifts to the two men holding my heart, so different in so many ways.
We sit in silence for a while as we finish our coffee, a melancholy mood bouncing between us.
“Are you taking finals?” Mable asks after finishing her coffee.
“No, I got an extension until January. The week before next semester begins, they offer makeup sessions. I need to do it then, or I can’t start the spring term.”