In her wildest dreams, she never imaged the magic of this moment or the depth of unconditional love that filled her heart. When Alex’s fragile fingers grasped one of hers, holding on so tightly, it overwhelmed her—all the pain and misery she suffered since the day she hemorrhaged, ceased to exist. A gigantic smile took over her face as her eyes filled with tears of joy.
How long had Logan been standing next to her?
“He’s holding me!” Kristen’s eyes glittered with delight, her heart racing when she called out to the nurse.
The nurse gave her a wide toothy grin, nodding. “Do you want to feed him? It's about that time.”
Lost in a dream, Kristen didn't hear her until she repeated it, touching her shoulder.
“Oh, sure. If it's okay.” She couldn't pull her eyes away from his adorable face. “Did you see that Logan? He smiled at me!” Logan didn't answer. It didn’t matter in the least to her. “You know your mommy, don't you Alex?” Her happy giggles resonated around the ward.
“What about that hat?” Logan pointed to the baby’s beanie.
“You can remove it for a minute, but his head needs to stay warm,” the nurse interjected, handing Kristen the bottle and patiently demonstrating the proper way to feed him. Satisfied Kristen had caught on, she walked away, allowing her to take over.
“Let’s look at his hair.” Logan’s eyes narrowed, the queasiness in his stomach took over. He swallowed repeatedly.
“You can take it off carefully if you care so much, Logan.” Kristen stared straight ahead, refusing to watch.
Logan’s face twitched. With self-conscious movements, he shifted his weight back and forth, but didn't bend down to Alex. “Why can't you?”
Against her will, she glanced up at Logan, taking in his death-like hue. “Let him finish eating. Then after I burp him…right?” she called out to the nurse, who was feeding another baby close by. She gave her the reassurance she sought.
By the time he was finished, Kristen tried out the burping routine the nurse had shown her. The super loud sound he emitted surprised her, causing her to laugh so hard, her stomach hurt. But it didn’t dull her spirits in the least. Logan’s eyes were glued on her, his lips curled downwards, twitching.
“He sure has a big appetite for a little guy!” The nurse smiled, standing by in case he spit up.
He's like his daddy. Kristen beamed at the image. She couldn't wipe Jake's face out of her mind. Logan was nagging her about the hair again. She finally heard him. Gazing up at him with an absentminded, vacant expression, her own words echoed in her ears. “Go for it, Logan.”
She tensed. He removed the tiny blue cap from Alex's head. The instant he saw the full head of thick dark hair, the hat slipped out of his hand. His mouth agape, he stood immobilized, his blazing eyes set on her, his lips puffed out with anger.
“Looks like we need to talk, Kristen. Now!”
She expected the vacant stare, but the pain in his eyes, took her by surprise. Without hesitation, she called for the nurse, telling her she'd be back in a while. “Can I kiss him?” she whispered, her voice choking.
“Of course, honey. Just not on the lips yet, okay?” The nurse smiled that all-knowing smile that came with years of working with mothers and newborns.
As they walked in silence back to the room, Alicia bounced into view. Logan's sulking face killed her happiness.
“Get rid of her,” he grumbled.
Kristen glared at him, but it had to be done. She motioned to Alicia to leave for a few minutes, hoping she got the hint. Logan slammed the door behind them.
“This isn't the house, Logan.” Her nerves were on edge. A confrontation was imminent, but having it blown out of proportion, causing a major commotion, would be devastating.
“I don't give a fuck, Kristen! Don't try to tell me that baby is mine! Brown eyes, brown hair! He has fucking Jake written all over him! Give me a fucking break!”
She remained frozen in place, unclear if she should fear or pity him. He picked up his frantic pace back and forth, coming to an abrupt halt right in front of her. Before she could breathe in, he backed her into the wall.
Suffocating fear took over. The recollection of that horrible night in Bay Ridge, the slap, rage, humiliation—it all crashed down on her. She swore never to let that happen again, public place or not. Her body tensed, but she had no space to escape.
“And he's brown too! Well, what now, Kristen?”
“I don't know, Logan!” Her voice rose involuntarily. They both peered at the door, expecting a nurse to barge in. She had to avoid it at all costs. “You knew it could happen.” What am I going to do? Violent shivers rocked her body, she struggled to hold back the sobs threatening to explode.
When his mouth dropped open, the low moan that came out rattled her. He slumped against the wall, his back to her, clutching his head.
On impulse, her fingers laced his arm, the anger melting. “Logan…I'm sorry…”
He roughly lurched out of reach, burying his face and muffled sobs in his hands.
How long had it been since she witnessed him break down like this? What could she do to console him or soften the torment in her own heart? This same exact scene played out in her mind many times over the past few weeks, but she never expected the pain to be so extreme. She collapsed onto the bed, hiding her face under the pillow. Wishing it was all just a bad dream.
A short time later, he pulled himself together and listlessly turned to face her, wiping his face with the back of his hands. “I'm gonna leave now. You can call me when you're ready to go home.”
The storm had passed. The coldness in his eyes rivalled the dullness in his voice. She was safe. For now.
“Do you still want me to stay there?” She got up, breathless from the tightness in her chest.
He gazed into her face, saw the anguish, but it didn’t affect him.
“Just... call me when you're ready.”
She moved towards him. She needed to touch him, to hold him. Even if it was the last time. “Logan, I never meant to hurt anyone...”
“Anyone? I don't care about anyone, Kristen! I care about how you hurt me! I'm the loser here! What the fuck am I supposed to do, raise his fucking kid? Are you crazy?” He glared at her, the urge to destroy, to rip her and that baby to pieces, tearing him apart.
The blare of the intercom snapped him back.
I have to get far away fast.
Needing to block everything out, he crammed his eyes shut. They were gritty and dry when he reopened them, but at least the trembling stopped. “I can't talk about this anymore.”
Right before he stormed out, he glimpsed her hands reaching out for him.
“Logan, please don't do anything stupid!” she called after him, disregarding nurses scurrying back and forth. He didn't stop or answer.
She stood in the doorway, in shock. Alicia rushed over. After one look at her grim, pale face, she threw her arms around her.
“He knows?”
“Yes.” Kristen whispered, glancing out the door.
“What's he going to do now?”
Kristen lifted her head from Alicia’s shoulder, searching her face. “I don't know. He said to call when I'm ready to leave.” Closing her eyes, “Alicia, it hurt so much. I never thought it would be so hard.” Just when she thought her tears had run dry, there they were again.