“I know, baby. But unfortunately there can only be one winner this time. When are you going to tell Jake?” Alicia’s eyes twinkled. She lowered them to mask the happiness and relief.
Another question that Kristen couldn’t concern herself with yet. He waited this long, a little longer wouldn't hurt him. “I need to go back to see Alex. Come with me?”
Alicia gently brushed a lock of hair from Kristen’s face. “Let's go, but promise me you will call him today.”
Kristen cast her eyes down at the floor, lost in reflection. Without responding, she headed down the hall with Alicia on her heels.
JAKE
It took a lot of getting used to, being unemployed. He told himself to paint more, yet couldn't get into it. The more free time he had, the more the dark thoughts consumed him. For a while, he'd managed to remove Ray from his head. He even convinced himself it was useless to dwell on something he couldn't change. With the trip to Miami imminent, and the security of Kristen’s address saved in his phone, hate ravaged him once again. It wasn't healthy—he knew it—but couldn't control it.
Franky called him. Henry was happy with his work. They needed to arrange the trip as soon as possible. Jake was thrilled yet apprehensive. He wanted to coincide the trip with the baby’s birth. This way he could determine his future with Kristen, if there was one. He had to prepare for the trip, get his finances in order, arrange a sublease for the apartment. There was no telling how long he'd be gone.
The days drifted by, it became difficult to keep track. The hours blended into each other. He longed to recede into the shadows to soothe his mind, but the solace of nightfall was a long way off. Unable to sit still any longer, he fled the apartment, seeking a release. Trotting down Second Avenue, he came across the bar he'd seen Marty in last time. His eyes shot to the outdoor tables. They were filled with customers. She wasn't one of them. Weeks had passed since he'd spoken to her anyway. She probably hated his guts.
The sudden desire to have an intimate conversation, to be close to someone, to feel like a human being, became an obsession. Picking up some stranger wasn't his thing. It inevitably made everything worse in the end. But he couldn’t handle another night alone. He took a deep breath.
“Hey, it's Jake.”
“This is a surprise!” Marty sounded thrilled.
“Yeah, hey, I was wondering if you wanted to meet me for a beer or something…” He hesitated, unsure why he was really doing whatever it was he was doing.
“Where are you?”
Jake stood still, his confidence rising. “Remember the cafe you were at last time, on Second?”
“Yeah, are you sure? I'm actually on 14th Street right now, shopping.”
The energy in her voice invigorated him. “Yeah. I'm sure.”
* * *
This time, he didn't prolong it, allow himself the chance to doubt, over-analyze, and change his mind. After a couple of beers, they were back in his apartment. She looked good—he needed a distraction, someone to take him away for a while.
“Sorry for the mess. Maid's day off.” He grinned. She stood waiting for him to make a move. Or did she regret her decision? It was hard to read her. Moving closer with caution, he gestured towards the couch. “Make yourself comfortable. Want a beer?” He darted over, grabbed a large pile of clothes and flung them in the general direction of the bedroom, hopeful she wouldn’t notice.
She smiled, sitting down. “Sure.”
His eyes travelled along her body as she settled back on the couch. Something was missing, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe dimming the lights and some music. He took care of it, rushed to the kitchen, returned with beer and eased down next to her.
“How've you been?”
“Good. Working, the usual stuff. I haven't been out much.”
She stared at him without blinking, her eyes filled with questions.
He wasn’t sure how to answer those questions, or if he even could. Putting down his beer, he took her in his arms. She moaned, clutching him to her as his lips found hers. He pulled her down on top of him, his kisses grew deeper, more fervent. Their passion blossomed, but something kept him from carrying her to the bed.
The voices raged on.
Temporary diversion, the couch will do. Don’t make it personal.
Like usual, he refused to snuff them out.
LOGAN
It surprised Logan that he had no desire to go out. Ever since he'd found out the baby wasn’t his, he had been holed up in the apartment. The previous night had become a fuzzy memory, like so many nights in the past. Only this time, when he drowned himself in booze and weed, he was alone at home. This time, it was different, an intense feeling of despair and helplessness that he hadn't experienced in ages.
His thoughts drifted to the first time he'd made love to Kristen. It seemed so long ago. When she got pregnant that time there was no doubt it was mine. I knew she was mine. There was no room for a baby. We had our own wounds to heal. And now it’s happening again.
Already 6 p.m. He never un-muted his phone, her calling never even entered his mind.
Is today when she is supposed to be released from the hospital? Why can’t I remember? What the hell?
He checked his phone, discovered she'd called around noon. Pushing his hair out of his face, he lifted himself up from the bed. The message played in his ear, her voice low and speculative. Was he coming to get her? Where should she go?
He shook his head. He had to think clearly, but couldn’t. Not with his mind so twisted.
“Are you still in the hospital?”
She stayed quiet. The intercom in the background provided the answer. “Do you want me to get you?”
“I was planning to stay here with the baby. I didn't know—”
“—Do you want to come home or not? You can go back tomorrow, can't you?” It was surreal and he felt dead.
“Yes, I, if you want me to, okay. When?”
“I have to get dressed. Just wait for me. Soon.” He ended the call, wondering what he was doing. Maybe they would talk, maybe a miracle would occur. Maybe that baby was just an illusion.
* * *
Alex was cradled in Kristen’s arms, nestled under the cozy blanket. Once again she fell victim to the baby’s magical spell, losing track of time. She never heard Logan, but there he was, standing in front of her. The first thing that caught her eye was his disheveled appearance, the second, the hollowness in his eyes. With hesitation she placed one hand briefly on his, then returned it to the back of Alex's delicate head. Startled by her touch, Logan stiffened, becoming more withdrawn than usual.
Once she returned Alex to the incubator, his soft cries twisted her up inside, preventing her from breaking away. She spoke softly to him until he settled down, then turned to Logan. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She hated leaving Alex, but hard decisions had to be made. If the baby truly was Jake’s she had to end it with Logan as soon as possible, without remorse or thinking twice. Then, why was it so difficult?
“You guys have a great night! See you tomorrow?”
Kristen nodded to the nurse, giving Logan a halfhearted glance. His eyes were focused ahead, his gait purposeful. He wanted out.