What the hell did I do?
Collapsing next to her, he held his breath. She sank lower hunching over to hug herself. Gently touching her back, he felt her cringe.
It took a second to find his voice. “Kristen, are you okay?”
Her eyes were wide, glazed, vacant when she looked up at him.
He draped an arm around her shoulders, she shrank away hyperventilating.
Is she in shock?
As if sensing him for the first time, she jerked upright, her eyes blasting open wider. She opened her mouth. It looked like she wanted to say something. Instead, a grueling stream of coughs and gasps rattled the air, blending with Alex’s wails.
CHAPTER 17
THURSDAY, WEEK 13
JAKE
The burning in his eyes was maddening and a cold water flush didn’t help. After being awake all night long, he still couldn't sleep. It was 6:00 a.m. He gazed down in wonder at Alex's tiny face. Even though it was time for his feeding, he decided to let him sleep longer. If he had heard or felt any of the trauma going on in the house during the night, his little body needed it. He tucked the blanket securely around him and padded to the kitchen for his coffee.
He was so jittery his hands vibrated. Moving to the edge of the bed, he looked down at her, not sure what to do. Taking a deep sigh, he slowly eased himself next to her to gently touch her hair. She stirred, let out a low moan, and turned onto her side, her hair steaming across her face.
For a few moments he sat motionless observing her, lost in reflection. As bad as it was, at least he hadn't run away this time. A tiny grin flickered across his face. My mother would be proud. At least about that part.
A light knock at the front door broke the silence. He heard her rustling around in the bed as he went to answer it.
“Hey Jake. Is Kristen around?” Alicia stood outside, a huge beach bag draped across her shoulder.
“She's still sleeping. We were up late last night.” The unwelcome image of Kristen, slumped on the floor, her hysterical cries tearing through the house, brought a troubled, confused look to his eyes. Then he remembered cramming his hand to her mouth to stifle her screams until she finally calmed down. And that gaping hole in the wall. His eyes involuntarily fell to his knuckles. Black and blue—shit!
“Are you okay Jake?”
Startled by Alicia’s voice, he came back to life. “Yeah. We were just up really late last night. I'm kinda out of it.” He gave her an uneasy, apologetic half smile, casting his eyes to the ground.
Scrutinizing him, Alicia shifted her weight from foot to foot and pulled the bag higher on her shoulder. “Oh, I know the feeling, that’s for sure.”
Spacing out again, he remembered staying awake all night hovering over her, hanging onto every labored breath. Listening to her moaning in her sleep. Watching her toss and turn, afraid something would go wrong. Hating himself for losing control, for being so close to hurting her. Wanting to kill himself to make it all go away. He shook his head, determined to extinguish the dark thoughts.
“Well, off to the beach. It's such a beautiful day...” Aware he wasn’t listening, her voice trailed off.
He could hear her unintelligible words somewhere in the back of his mind.
“Jake?” Alicia touched his arm.
He flinched, blinking her into focus. “Yeah, going to the beach—I'll tell her you stopped by.” Desperate to return to Kristen, he shrugged.
“Uh, right.” Alicia wrinkled her nose, following his line of vision. “I have the day off and thought maybe she wanted to go with me.”
He didn't respond.
“Oh well, probably too soon for the baby anyway.” She shrugged, pushing a smile that couldn’t camouflage the doubt. “Feel better.”
She hesitated, searching his blank face, before reversing.
“Probably not a good idea…have fun.”
Her narrowed eyes were disturbing. Itching to get away from her, he shut and locked the door.
Why is she acting so suspicious? What if Cassandra heard us?
Kristen climbed back into the bed, hiding under the blanket.
I have to protect myself. I can’t let him hurt me.
She gulped repeatedly, wincing from the burning in her throat.
“Kris, I'm not gonna hurt you, it's okay.”
His hand raised slowly, stopping in midair when she stiffened. Her eyes widened in anticipation. With a pained look taking over his face, his arm dropped to his side.
She didn't answer, didn't even attempt to formulate the right words or blurt out whatever came into her mind. Her eyes stayed glued on his, her hands clutching the blanket to her chest. The minutes ticked by in silence.
He fidgeted, so uncomfortable and uncertain he had no clue what to do next. He didn't want to walk away. He had to face his demons head on. He had to overcome them.
Careful to keep a safe distance, he sat on the edge of the bed. She tensed and watched.
“Are you going to stay quiet all day?” Tears stung his eyes. He brushed the back of his hand across his eyelids. “I told you I was sorry. I never hit you, remember?”
She coughed, cleared her throat, not wanting to remember. “You wanted to kill me.” Her garbled voice, rang strangely in her ears. “That's all I remember.”
With despair filling her eyes, she saw herself crawling away from him, frantic to get to the front door.
“No Kris, no, you attacked me first, you threw a bunch of shit, cut my arm, trashed my art supplies, said some really nasty stuff!”
Called me Logan. A violent shudder rocked his body.
“Baby, please listen to me…I’m only human, I lost it, but I controlled myself...”
Gulping back the rising nervous tension, he leaned in without realizing it. She held her breath, going rigid, unable to avoid the zig zagged scratches marking his face. Everything she longed to forget came flooding back to her, but she couldn’t back down. It hurt too much.
“This is controlling yourself?” She pointed to the bruises on her arms. Her swollen, sore eyes, began watering.
I’m not going to take the blame, it’s not my fault!
“You’re twice as big as me, Jake, you promised you would never hurt me, no matter what…”
A stunned expression took over his face. “I know, I know, and I meant it. I'm sorry.”
With extreme jitteriness preventing him from staying still, his hand fell to the throbbing gash on his arm. Then his thoughts centered on the gunshot wound on his leg. Somehow he’d forgotten to change the bandage and apply antibiotic ointment. No wonder it aches again. Funny how she doesn’t even care enough to ask about it.
Her eyes followed his hand, a look of recognition crossing her face. She didn’t want to feel bad for him—then why did she? Sniffling, she pushed her hair out of her eyes and looked away.
“Did Alex eat yet?” Her squeaky voice sounded weird. Her stomach rumbled, a reminder that she hadn't had dinner the night before. She heard the vibrations of her phone in her bag next to her. Too numb to care about anything, she ignored it.
He took in her eyes falling on her phone, wondering who she was expecting to call her. Blinking, he pushed it away, not wanting to dwell on it.
“I was letting him sleep a little longer. Do you want me to make you something? Maybe scrambled eggs or a soup?”