“You're not going to poison me, are you?”
He sensed her sarcasm, but was overcome by the gloominess in her face.
“No. You know I wouldn't do that. I just want you to feel better. You want tea?”
It’s better if I feel cold and emotionless. I don't want to love him anymore. It is too painful. But it won’t be that easy to hate him either. It never is. “Sure. Eggs and tea.”
When he walked away, she rocked herself, fretting over what to do next.
It surprised him when she came to the kitchen fifteen minutes later, dressed and holding Alex.
“You should've told me you were bringing him, I would've had his bottle ready, baby.” He rubbed his neck, amazed at how natural it felt, how it just slipped out of his mouth. Maybe it’s too soon. I have to give her some time to rebuild her trust in me. Glancing over to see her reaction, he placed a bottle in the heater.
Her face remained hidden behind Alex's head. She peeked out at him, careful not to let him catch her, and didn't respond. He set her plate down in front of her, reaching for Alex. Their gazes met as she lifted the baby into his arms.
“Does your throat still hurt? You want something for the pain?”
With all that screaming, I wouldn’t be surprised.
His heart sank as his eyes washed over her. He shifted Alex in his arms, ready to feed him. She still didn’t respond. Sighing, he distracted himself with the baby’s contented little gurgles. When he suddenly clamped his tiny fingers around his thumb, Jake excitedly turned to Kristen.
“He is one strong little guy!” As soon as he saw her eyes darken, picked up on her shudders, realized he’d screwed up, his smile died.
Ignoring the distress in his face, she pretended to concentrate on her food, chopping up the scrambled eggs until they were almost invisible. Each swallow caused more discomfort and the warmth of the coffee didn’t help. Frustrated, she dropped the spoon on the plate, and buried her head in her hands.
Jake placed the bottle of ibuprofen in front of her. Her hand shook when she opened it. He knew he shouldn't rush it, but his impatience got the best of him. “I want to make this work, Kristen, I'll do whatever it takes.”
His voice, so soft and indistinct, made it sound like he was a million miles away. She picked at the eggs, taking little nibbles while her mind twisted in every direction. It is too soon to think about working anything out. My head feels like it’s in a vacuum, my body aches, I can’t function.
Ruby’s warnings about red flags, repeated mistakes, being reckless and foolish, invaded her thoughts. Is he the mistake? Or is it just Logan? Or both. Should I start over, get rid of both of them, move in with Alicia? Forget men altogether? She had to laugh. Men have been my downfall but also my passion. Alicia won’t work. She wants more than my friendship.
She strained to study his troubled face through the wavy strands of hair strewn across her eyes.
He rose, carrying Alex back to the bedroom. Her silence was devastating.
Maybe it is too soon, I shouldn’t pressure her. Maybe, I really fucked up this time and have to let her go. His lips brushed Alex's head as he laid him down in the crib. But letting her go means losing him too. I couldn’t live with that.
“Jake?” She whispered without raising her eyes to him when he returned to the kitchen.
Startled, he sank into a chair, staring across the table at her.
“Logan's probably going to take a plea. He'll be locked up for a year or two. I just thought you should know.”
With a deep breath, he nodded.
Is that it? “What about us then?” His eyes were hopeful but puzzled.
She was slow to answer, toying with her food. Finally, her spoon clattered onto the plate. “I don't know. It's too soon, I need more time… to think.”
“To think? Please, Kris, you know I didn’t mean it, you know how sorry I am.” The calmness in his voice was misleading, his anxiety had risen—he knew he had to control himself. “How much time do you need?”
“I’m not sure Jake, but if there’s any chance of this working, we have to be totally honest with each other, without screaming and...” She searched his eyes, trying to gauge his tolerance level. Her words seemed pacifying so far.
“Ok, I'm good with that. I won't even go near you. What do you want to tell me?” It would be tough, but he was determined to stay composed. What could she possibly tell him that he didn't already suspect anyway?
She had to get everything off of her chest, but still didn't trust him.
Is this how a trapped bird feels? It is awful.
Her eyes darted to the door, trying to access the distance, just in case.
“If you’re not comfortable here, we can go to the couch instead.”
No, that would be even farther from the front door. “It’s okay, I'm fine.” Touching her throat, she tried to ignore the violent heart palpitations.
I’ll start slow. “I have something to tell you...”
The distrust in her eyes alarmed him. “What is it? Don't worry, I won't get mad.” His hand reached out to touch hers, then drew back.
It wasn't convincing, but she had to try. Touching the fork for reassurance, she cleared her throat. “You were right; I was with him yesterday.” She didn't have to look at Jake, to tell he had clamped up. Without giving herself a chance to chicken out, she rushed on. “Only because he's going to prison, he acted like he would freak out and change his story. I know it was wrong, but I got scared, I’m sorry, but I just can't go in his place, I wouldn't last a day…” She paused, swallowing the tears.
“I’d end up killing myself first.” The words were meant to be under her breath. He heard them loud and clear.
The tautness in his neck grew more painful the longer he refused to raise his eyes. Against his will, his hands clenched into fists and shook. When he became aware of it, he thrust them onto his lap out of sight. “Like a mercy fuck, that's what you're saying?” Grunting, at the uncomfortable look in her eyes, he didn’t wait for an answer. “Yeah, I thought so. And how did that work out, then? Did it calm him down, fix all his worries?” He glared at her, his eyes more dead than vicious.
“Jake, if you can't handle this, forget it, okay? You wanted the truth, you promised you could handle it…”
“I know, and I am. I just asked you a simple question. Did it guarantee he won't tell the truth?” He leaned forward, his arms on the table again.
“I think so.”
“Cool. You did good Kristen. Congratulations! Anything else? Because I have things to do.” This truthful revelation turned out to be more than he could handle. Anxious to rise, he gripped the edge of his seat.
“No. Where are you going? I thought we were trying to work this out? Why are you running away?”
Shut up and forget it Kristen, it’s better this way. Let him go! No matter what he says or does, remember—he could’ve killed you!
The throbbing in her temple had reached an intolerable level. Desperate for instant relief, she bowed her head, massaging it.
“I'm not running anywhere.” He sighed, settling back in the chair, his long legs stretched out before him. “What else?”