A little later, and they were down to three – herself, Freddie and Andy. Kate was staying later than she would usually have done, and she wondered if Freddie was too.
‘Do you think Lizzie is going to be all right?’ Kate asked Andy.
‘Steve too? Should someone check in on him?’ Freddie added.
‘I’ll drop them both an email in the morning,’ Andy said. ‘I don’t want to get too intrusive. It may be that they decide not to come back again, and ultimately they’ve got to be the ones who decide that.’
‘Does it get stressful, running the group?’ Kate asked.
‘Not often . . . It started out as more of a curiosity for myself. Not just for my research. I think I wanted people to talk to, and when I realised that such a forum didn’t exist, Hattie helped me realise that I should make it. But it’s been going for about a year now, and I really think that it’s helping people. It’s helped me certainly. I think it’s going to help Lizzie and Steve too, though maybe not straight away.’
‘It’s helped me,’ Freddie revealed, his voice quiet.
‘It has?’ Andy asked. ‘I was worried we were going to scare you off at some point.’
‘I don’t know that I can explain it properly, but definitely, yeah. It’s helped.’
‘Me too,’ Kate added supportively, ‘it’s still helping.’
‘Well, that’s good to hear. Thanks guys,’ Andy sighed, and pressed two fingers to the bridge of their nose. ‘Would you mind if I made a move? Got a bit of a headache coming on I think.’
Freddie moved out of the way so that Andy could squeeze by him, and when he sat down again Kate felt suddenly overwhelmed by how close they were, how alone they were. She was embarrassed by the thoughts she’d been having earlier in the evening, ashamed of sullying their just burgeoning friendship, but then here he was, right in front of her, and something felt incredibly right about that.
Kate had had enough wine by now to be tipsy. Not enough that she considered herself drunk, but enough that she felt loose, playful and, more than anything, brave.
‘Hey,’ she said to Freddie, who then eyed her suspiciously.
‘Hey,’ he replied.
‘If I suggested something extremely crazy right now, would you indulge me?’
‘Okay,’ he said, his brow immediately furrowing in trepidation.
‘Because it’s definitely a crazy idea. Ridiculous even.’
‘What is it?’
‘I just think that we’re two people, and this world is a big world, and sometimes two people have a problem, and it turns out they could be the best ones to help each other out. With that problem.’
‘I’m really not following.’
Of course he wasn’t.
‘What I’m trying to say, Freddie, is that maybe we could help each other out.’
‘Help each other . . .’ he started, swallowing as a look of utter panic started to spread across his face.
‘Out,’ Kate finished, nodding suggestively.
‘As in?’ he looked suggestively back at her, to indicate that he followed.
‘Told you it was ridiculous.’
‘No, I mean. I think . . . I don’t know.’
Kate dared herself to look up at Freddie. He was cute when he was thinking, she realised. His Adam’s apple moved in his throat with each careful swallow, a faint but insistent blush working its way across his face.
They both took long, sustained sips of their drinks, and then allowed the moment of intense silence to go on for far too long. Kate noticed how stuffy the pub had got. When did it get so stuffy? It was cold enough to snow outside and yet the pub suddenly felt like a sauna on overdrive.
‘So, we could just get it over with. Together. As friends.’
‘As friends,’ he repeated cautiously. ‘Like, friends with benefits?’
‘I guess. We could make it more business-like, if that makes it easier? Set some ground rules?’
‘Like a contract?’
‘It sounds silly. I know it sounds silly. I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Kate buried her face in her hands, embarrassed.
‘No, I don’t think it’s silly.’
‘You don’t?’ she asked, looking up at him again.
Freddie was looking back at her with these wide, sincere eyes. He was leaning over the table, posture mirroring her own, his hands balled up in front of him, thoughtful creases lining his forehead.
Is he drunk? she wondered. Will he even remember this conversation tomorrow?
‘You could do that?’ he asked, almost hopeful. ‘You could have sex with someone without . . . everything else?’
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. But she wanted to try. ‘Could you?’
‘I need to think about it,’ he said.
Kate wondered if the conversation was over. That she’d made a huge mistake and ruined whatever burgeoning real friendship they had. This was his way of shutting everything down. He had been polite before, she thought, but now he was calmly bringing things to a close. She finished her wine and thought about getting ready to go.
‘We’re friends, right?’ Freddie then said unexpectedly. Kate just looked at him, wondering. ‘We haven’t spent a lot of time together, admittedly, but we already know each other’s biggest secret. I mean, you probably know more about me than anybody else on the planet right now. But we’re not good enough friends that if this all turns out to be a huge mistake, it would ruin all this history or anything. I mean, if this happens, if we do this, and it’s awful, and we’re both so embarrassed that we can’t even look at each other again, then we could easily just walk away from each other and everything would be fine. Couldn’t we?’
Kate’s heart started to race in quiet panic. ‘I guess,’ she said.
‘OK then.’
Kate couldn’t tell if he was terrified or exhilarated. She was feeling both.
‘We’re really going to do this? You want to have sex with me? We’re going to have sex?’ he asked, looking right at her again.
‘Why not?’ she said, smiling.
Chapter 15
It was the stupidest idea he’d ever heard.
It was the best idea he’d ever heard.
The way Kate had looked at him, her eyes bright, almost playful. Not many people had looked at him that way. Like they needed him.
And they were on the same page, sort of. Maybe. She hadn’t been joking, he trusted that, but she had been drunk. And he had been too. There was every chance she’d wake up in the morning and regret everything. There was every chance he’d regret everything as well. Freddie worked to remember exactly what he’d said, and the precise way that he’d said it, in case something came back to bite him later. He felt like he’d been swept up in the moment, caught off guard by her, willing to do anything she wanted.
He tapped his foot as he waited for his bus.
They’d agreed on waiting a week or so.
‘There’s no rush,’ Kate had said. ‘Is there?’
‘Absolutely no rush,’ Freddie had agreed.
‘Gives us both enough time to think it all through. To prepare.’
‘What do you need to prepare?’ He had been genuinely curious. It was the first time he’d ever been able to talk to a girl about things like this.