She saw how he was shifting on the bed and tried not to think of all the things about men she didn’t really have personal experience of yet.
‘I know we haven’t really talked about it specifically, but how do you want to do this? Do you want to do foreplay or anything?’ she asked him.
‘I don’t know much about foreplay,’ Freddie replied.
‘It’s just that it might be more comfortable, for me at least, if we just warm things up a little? I mean, we haven’t even kissed yet.’
Kate hated how complicated her brain was making this. She had been hoping that somehow biology would take over, that they’d get to her room and start ripping each other’s clothes off, but each thing she said just sounded so extremely forward, all she was doing was squirming and second-guessing herself.
‘What are you thinking about?’ Kate asked.
‘Do we have to kiss?’ he asked eventually.
‘I think so,’ Kate said. ‘I think it would be weird if we didn’t.’
A beat of silence. Freddie stared at his socks.
‘I know about the OCD. Is this part of it?’ Kate asked carefully. ‘I get it if it is. I mean, I don’t, but I also do. Does that make sense?’
‘Mouths are a thing,’ Freddie admitted. ‘There are just a lot of germs there.’
‘But you’ve kissed girls before?’
‘I have, but I was either really drunk, or it was before things got bad.’
‘Well then, maybe it’s time to . . .’ She struggled for the word, and then to say it in the right way. ‘Time to desensitise you to it? Because I think kissing might be important for me. And well, isn’t this whole project about overcoming the stuff that’s been getting in the way for both of us? Isn’t kissing another person part of that? When you get a proper girlfriend then you’re going to have to kiss her, so why not practise with me?’
He was still staring at his socks.
‘I can brush my teeth first, if you think that would help?’ Kate offered.
I suppose this could be weirder, Kate thought as she scrubbed at her teeth.
She watched them together, side by side in her bathroom mirror. Freddie was brushing his teeth as well, sheepishly, like he felt guilty about it, but Kate was brushing hers with gusto. She wanted to make sure that Freddie knew she was taking it seriously.
Their eyes met in the mirror, and although Freddie still looked shy and guilty, Kate smiled. There was something about doing this together, while both of them were shirtless and it being such a mundane thing, at least for her, that gave her a shiver of satisfaction. She wondered if this was what it was like to have a boyfriend. All these silly little things that you didn’t think about ordinarily suddenly became so immensely pleasurable when you did it with another person. Especially when it was a person you were intimate with. She could definitely get used to this.
They spat out the remnants of the toothpaste at the same time, and Freddie seemed to take a moment watching it all intermingle as it swirled down the drain.
‘Better?’ she asked him carefully.
‘Do you use mouthwash?’ he replied, face serious.
‘Sometimes.’
‘I have some.’
Freddie darted back into the bedroom and into his bag, coming back quickly with a purple bottle. He poured a shot into the cap and chugged it back, swishing it in his mouth and gargling before spitting it out into the sink. He then handed the cap over to Kate.
‘Are you OK with me using the same cap?’ she questioned.
‘You’ve just brushed your teeth, so yeah, I guess,’ Freddie replied. Kate wondered if he was lying, and just trying to force himself past his reluctance.
She poured herself a shot nonetheless, and repeated what he had just done, keeping the mouthwash in her mouth for as long as she could handle. By the time she spat it out, her gums stung.
Unexpectedly, as soon as the cap was screwed back on the bottle, he reached down and kissed her. Kate wasn’t prepared for it, so she just stood there for a moment, shoulders tense and eyes wide, before she realised what was happening and willed herself to relax.
It was never going to be the best kiss in the universe. Freddie obviously had no idea what he was doing, but it wasn’t as if Kate was enough of a seasoned pro to guide him either, so they both just stood there, lips pressed together, unmoving and awkward. By the time he pulled away, Kate was wondering if she could make do without the kissing after all.
But now it was her turn. He had been brave and, after his kiss, she figured she had to do something equally brave.
So the bra came off.
She kept her eyes on the floor for a moment, but when she finally tipped her head back up to look at him, she saw that he was staring. Goggle-eyed, unabashed, staring. Kate felt a warm rush of pride and pleasure surge through her. It was nice to be looked at like this. Another thing she added to her mental list of things she could easily get used to.
When she sensed that he wanted to move his hand up towards her, she gestured for him to go ahead. His touch was tentative, maybe shaking ever so slightly. She tried not to let herself tense up. Maybe the cold, stark lighting of her bathroom wasn’t ideal, and her gums still stung uncomfortably, but she let herself breathe, despite the anticipation of his touch making her heart race. She didn’t want to seem in any way frigid and uncomfortable, even though she was.
He wasn’t cold. His hand there, right over her left nipple, gently holding her, cupping with an unexpected tenderness, was surprisingly nice. She felt the warmth of him and reacted in a pleasing way. All over.
‘Is this OK?’ he asked, stopping himself from going any further.
‘It’s fine,’ Kate replied, her voice coming out high and fraught.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yep!’ She wasn’t lying, not exactly, it was just that she wasn’t used to it.
‘You can touch me too, if you like?’ Freddie offered, trying to help.
She brought a hand up to his chest, to that patch of fine, hair she had admired earlier, and placed it right there, near his heart. His breath caught.
‘Are you OK?’ it was her turn to ask.
‘Your hand is cold,’ he said.
‘Really? Oh God, sorry. Your hand is quite warm and I didn’t think that mine wouldn’t be. I’m sorry, perhaps I can—’
He stopped her from talking by kissing her again, and this time it was different. This time it wasn’t like two robots pressing their mouths together in an attempt to do what they thought kissing was. This time it was softer and warmer, and this time they both had a hand on each other’s body and could feel the other’s heart beating.
Kate parted her lips, just slightly, and without thought. It was just happening, and she couldn’t help it. She pressed into him, stroked her hand down his chest, the other one reaching up to his face. He pressed into her too, the one hand still holding her left breast.
Kate’s list of things that she could get used to was getting longer. Pressed up close like this, a hand holding her, tentatively massaging her, and his mouth warm and questioning. They just seemed to be fitting together. She almost couldn’t believe it.
‘Shall we go back to the bed?’ Freddie asked. It was a whisper really, his voice low against her face, the vibrations of him running through her neck and down her spine. Kate nodded in reply, her forehead pressing against his cheek – she liked that he was taller than her – and then his hand left her body, and went to find her hand so that he could lead her back to the bedroom.