‘In which case, I’m confused. Why isn’t this romantic? Because it sounds like you get along better than I did with at least two previous boyfriends.’
‘I guess that love is scarier than sex right now,’ Kate admitted. She watched as Lindsey waited for her to continue. ‘Things have been changing so much lately. You went away, I have one week left in this flat, and then discovering that my old friends had dumped me. It’s scary, Linds.’
‘I didn’t want to upset you,’ Lindsey said. ‘I want you to have a good time with Freddie tonight. Now, do I have to do the safety talk?’
‘No.’
‘I’m giving you the three Cs.’
‘No.’
‘CLEANLINESS. CONSENT. CONDOMS.’
Kate buried her phone into her chest as she groaned. When she brought it back up in front of her, Lindsey was smiling.
‘I think my neighbours heard that, so hopefully their English isn’t great,’ she said.
‘I love you, Lindsey.’
‘Look after yourself tonight. Remember you can say no at any point.’
‘I’ve got it. I’ll be fine.’
‘In which case, love you too.’
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
An hour later, and there was a boy. Here in her flat.
Lindsey had brought guys over before – a few who had overstayed their welcome, in fact – but Kate never had. Not in this context, anyway. It felt naughty, like she was going to get caught and admonished at any moment.
‘So, should we get naked?’ Freddie asked.
There he was, in her room, sitting on her bed, asking about whether they should be getting naked. It was almost too much for Kate to handle.
‘Do you want to get naked?’ Kate challenged.
She heard Freddie swallow, a gulp of reticence that would have been comedic if she didn’t feel it too.
Kate finished her glass of wine. She regretted the final sip as soon as she had taken it, because she had promised herself that she was not going to get drunk tonight. She didn’t want anything muddying the experience, or for there to be any question about whether she wanted to do this. She wanted it. She had wanted it for so long. This was what everything had been about, and she didn’t want to ruin it by being clumsy or saying the wrong thing, or forgetting herself. All things she was liable to do after the right (or wrong) amount of wine.
‘I think that probably we should get naked?’ Freddie said finally, although the way he said it, with that hint of an upward inflection at the end, made Kate wonder if he meant it. God, she wished she knew what he was thinking.
‘I’m scared that you’re not going to like what I look like,’ Kate admitted.
‘Is there anything I can tell you to make you not think that?’ Freddie asked, his voice soft.
‘I don’t think so,’ Kate replied.
‘Does it help if I tell you that I feel the same way?’
‘How can you feel the same? You look fine.’ Kate squirmed her toes and fought the blush.
‘But don’t girls like guys to be beefcakes?’
‘Beefcakes?’
‘You know, all that Thor and Captain America stuff, with their abs out and their arms flexed?’
‘I don’t want that,’ Kate said. ‘I mean, sure it’s nice to look at, like statues are nice to look at, but rock-hard abs and biceps have always made me feel a little queasy. It doesn’t look remotely comfortable.’
Freddie put his wine glass down on the bedside table and lifted up his T-shirt to reveal his paper-white stomach. ‘But look, it goes concave when I breathe in. I’d want a six-pack over protruding ribs any day.’
She stole a glance. Yes, he was a skinny guy. But he wasn’t nearly as bad as he was making out. When he relaxed, when he didn’t make a big show of breathing in deep, his belly was soft and flat. You could even see the outline of his muscles. They were underdeveloped, but they were there. The shadow-line of abs, hint of the elusive ‘v’ that crept under the waist of his jeans.
Kate felt bold. She lifted up her top, revealing her own tummy. She was wearing her most flattering jeans, but there was no escaping the roundness of her.
‘Don’t guys want flat tummies?’ she asked.
Freddie leaned over and gave her a playful poke right by her belly button and smiled. It was the first time he had touched her that evening.
‘You’re soft,’ he remarked. ‘I think it’s nice that you’re soft.’
He took a deep breath and continued. ‘I know that being naked is a huge deal to you, probably more of a huge deal than it is for me, but hear me out. You’re fine. I think you’re fine. I don’t think that you believe me, but for the purposes of what we’re trying to do, you might just have to pretend to believe me, all right?’
Kate had never heard him be quite so assertive. He usually seemed so meek and frightened.
‘And I’m nervous too, by the way. There’s a lot of pressure. And this is difficult. But before I met you, I honestly thought I would be dying a virgin and now I’m probably not, so I’m grateful. I’m actually really grateful. And I’m trying. So, maybe, just for tonight, we can both get over the fact we don’t have perfect bodies, whatever that means?’
Kate noticed Freddie wringing his hands together so tightly that they were going red. She wanted to grab them, to separate them and hold them in hers, but she worried that it was too intimate. Or was it? He was in her room, on her bed. If she couldn’t even hold his hands, then what hope was there for the rest of the night?
He breathed in sharply as she found a way to wind her own fingers between his until they were completely intertwined. Kate was surprised at how hot they were, and clammy.
‘I’m sweating,’ Freddie admitted apologetically.
‘It’s OK,’ Kate said, surprised at herself for how OK it was.
‘Wait a minute.’ He broke up the grip and crossed his arms over his chest to take his T-shirt completely off. He threw it across the room and then went back to holding Kate’s hand again.
She took in the line of his shoulders, the gentle ridge of his clavicle. Kate wondered if it would be OK to stroke him, right there, where the hair was so light that she could only just see it.
‘Your turn then.’ Freddie’s voice shook.
Kate took in a deep breath, knowing that there was no way round this. This time it was her turn to break up the hand-holding, as she reached over herself to take her top all the way off. She hoped that he liked the bra. She’d thought about going out and getting something new, but bras were expensive, so she’d found her favourite one instead, the one she usually saved for nights out, slightly plunging and edged in black lace.
‘What?’ she asked, when she looked up again at his face. His expression was almost pained. ‘What is it?’
‘Nothing.’
‘No, really – what is it? Are you all right? You’re looking at me weirdly.’
‘No, I’m . . .’ Freddie avoided finishing the sentence to reach over to the bedside table to grab some more wine.
Kate waited, nervous.
‘I was just thinking that you look great, actually.’
Kate felt a rush inside her, a rush that felt empowering.