She was surprised at how easily these feelings were happening, how ready her body was to respond. She was already hot and bothered, her blood flooded with all those pleasure hormones. When they settled themselves back on the bed, on their sides and facing each other this time, Kate marvelled at how fun this was, how much she wanted Freddie to touch her again, wondering if he’d be open to kissing with tongues this time.
‘Maybe we should take off the rest of our clothes?’ she asked. He nodded in reply.
Kate turned away to sit on the edge of the bed and shuffled out of her jeans. She could feel him sneaking glances at her and then, when she was done, wearing just her knickers now, she turned to him, hoping he was as excited as she was.
He was definitely excited.
‘I . . . err . . .’ he stammered.
‘You OK?’
‘I’m just embarrassed,’ he admitted.
‘Of what?’
‘Of . . .’
Kate knew what he wanted to say, couldn’t mistake the denim tent between his legs, and felt just as unsure as him on how to talk about it. If they even needed to talk about it at all.
‘I mean, that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Isn’t that what we want to happen?’
‘I guess,’ he mumbled.
‘If it helps, I’m feeling the same? I know you can’t see it, but I promise you it’s the same for me right now too.’
‘It is?’
‘Yup. Definitely. And I’m scared too.’
They nodded at each other, and then Freddie undid his jeans and let them slide off towards the floor along with his underwear. Kate did the same with her knickers. They were naked now. Both of them. Naked on her bed.
‘I can turn off the lights?’ Kate offered, worried.
‘No, I think I want to see you,’ Freddie replied. Then he added carefully: ‘You can back out of this too, you know, at any time.’
‘No, no. This is fine. This is all totally, unquestionably, fine.’
‘I still think you look really nice. You don’t have to worry.’
‘You don’t have to worry either.’
It was true, she felt it. And the more she realised how much she liked his body, the more she felt comfortable in hers, with him looking at hers.
Then Freddie leaned over and kissed her again, this time deeper and more urgent.
‘Oh my God,’ he suddenly whispered, coming up for air for a moment. He pressed his forehead against hers and kept his eyes closed, breathing unsteadily.
‘Freddie, it’s OK,’ Kate replied, her lips feeling swollen, her voice breathy. ‘Do you want a condom?’
He nodded back at her, keeping his eyes tightly shut.
Kate went into the drawer of her bedside table and brought out the tiny square packages.
Pick a condom, any condom, she wanted to joke, his erection pointing obscenely towards her while she fanned them out like tiny playing cards.
Freddie didn’t say anything, just took the middle one and stared at the packet for a second before tearing it open.
‘I can help you?’ Kate tried again. She had been doing research earlier that afternoon and had watched a video of a condom being placed over a cucumber, just to make sure that when the time came, she could do it right.
‘It’s OK,’ Freddie muttered.
His penis was suddenly very near and the thought of it entering her suddenly seemed like a horrifyingly close prospect. Kate wondered what it felt like for him, whether the feeling of being erect was a tangible thing, then she worried about whether she was aroused enough too. She hadn’t been lying to him before, and she couldn’t forget the pleasing warmth she felt, those shivers that spun though her like electric darts. But they were fleeting, and they weren’t nearly so vibrant now. Looking down at him, as he clumsily worked to sheath his erection, those electric darts were starting to feel like the early signs of a panic attack.
‘Do you want to talk?’ Kate asked Freddie. She wanted to talk. She wanted to say everything she was feeling, to let it roll out of her and find out whether he was feeling the same.
‘What about?’ Freddie asked. He was wearing the condom now, and the sight made Kate think of a balloon, the kind used to make balloon animals, before it was contorted into shape.
‘I don’t know. Nothing I guess. Have you thought about how you want to do this?’
‘I could get on top?’
‘OK.’
There had been flashes of romance, Kate was certain of it. When he kissed her deeply, when he had his hands on her, when she had touched him and felt the wild zap of connection.
But this isn’t romance, she told herself sharply.
Freddie climbed on top of her, his hardness pressing on her belly. He seemed frightened to touch her, so deeply embarrassed that he didn’t even dare look at her, and Kate stiffened in response. The weirder and more uncomfortable he seemed, the more distance she felt between them.
This isn’t right.
This isn’t right.
This isn’t right.
She wanted to shush the inner voice, because this was meant to be simply about the sex and getting it over with. This was what she wanted, what she had wanted for so long, and what they had planned. And yet.
‘Is this all right?’ Freddie asked. Kate wasn’t doing a good job of masking her fear any more. She felt sick and cold.
‘Of course it is,’ she said, but her mouth was dry as she said it and the words hard to form.
‘We can stop?’ Freddie offered. ‘I wouldn’t mind.’
‘We’ve come this far,’ Kate replied. And then added, as if she were a teacher recognising that a struggling student needed validation: ‘We’re doing really well.’
Kate had her hands clasped around Freddie’s back – it was a wide stretch of back, Kate couldn’t quite believe how much of it there was – when he put his hand down between her legs to find a way in.
‘No!’
She thought she said it in her head. Kate only realised that it was out loud once Freddie froze.
Chapter 17
‘No?’ Freddie asked.
He was hyper-aware of how close his body was to hers, her hands on his back, one of his between them, the other working to prop himself up so that his entire weight didn’t fall on her. He had never been this close to another human being. Could hear his heart pulsing in his ears, in his fingertips, everywhere.
‘No,’ she said again.
‘We can kiss some more?’ Freddie offered, but he knew that he didn’t sound enthusiastic. He rolled off her as gingerly as he could and lay back on the bed next to her. ‘We can try more foreplay-type things? If you like?’
‘No,’ Kate repeated, her voice softer this time, like she was trying not to cry. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry.’
‘I thought I could do this. I thought I was being the strong one,’ she rubbed her hands over her face so that he couldn’t see her. ‘I was freaking out. I was trying so hard to be cool, to be the one who would make this happen.’
‘I’m relieved,’ Freddie revealed, only knowing that it was true once he had said it. ‘It’s like we’ve been playing this gigantic game of chicken and I guess that if you hadn’t backed out, then I was going to end up having to.’