‘Yeah, that’s fine,’ Freddie said, coughing through an unexpectedly dry throat.
‘How do you take your tea?’ Kate asked, switching the kettle on. At the very moment she did so, two slices of toast pinged out of the toaster.
‘Brewed a while, not too much milk, one sugar,’ Freddie mumbled, before adding, ‘but let me get the tea. I’ll do the tea. Where do you keep the mugs?’
They danced around each other in the kitchen. Freddie was reminded of a science project he once had. He had spent an entire weekend making one of those games where you passed a wire circle over another wire and tried not to have them touch for fear of connecting the circuit and making the buzzer go off. Now, in her tiny, cupboard-sized kitchen, they were both charged wires, and Freddie was using all his energy and attention to make sure they didn’t touch and spark.
The breakfast was good and Freddie wondered if he had ever been this hungry in his whole life. Without him asking her to, Kate got up to put some more bread in the toaster and refilled the kettle.
‘This is really nice,’ he said, and he meant it.
‘I like making food for more than one person,’ Kate said. She had come back to the table and was using her fork to play with the last remnants of egg on her plate.
‘You’re a good cook,’ Freddie offered, not knowing what else to say.
‘It’s just scrambled eggs,’ Kate scoffed.
After the next round of toast, Freddie decided that it really was time for him to be leaving. He had always thought it would be perfectly easy to stay friends after their little experiment had ended, that life would go back to being exactly how it was before. It was meant to be easy. What Freddie hadn’t taken into account was the sheer complexity of emotions involved, and the fact that he would enjoy it so much. Because he had, hadn’t he? He thought he had enjoyed it. At least, he figured that he would want to do it again at some point, if he ever got the chance.
‘We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to,’ Kate said finally, noticing that he was hesitating over his empty plate and finished cup of tea.
What was Freddie meant to say to that? He had no idea.
‘I think . . .’ He looked up at her guiltily as she struggled to find the right words. ‘I think that it was good and I just wanted to tell you that.’
‘It was good,’ Freddie conceded, the shame reaching his face in a fierce red blush. He thought about that moment of release, the pure ecstasy of it, with all the associated noises and facial expressions, and wondered how Kate could stand to look at him.
‘I just feel like maybe I sprang it on you, and the way I sprang it on you wasn’t fair, especially after how things were last night. I’m sorry for that, I wasn’t expecting it either.’
‘No, it’s fine. It worked out fine,’ Freddie said. He realised that he probably didn’t sound like he meant it, but he did.
‘Well, I’m pleased it happened. I’m pleased it happened in that way too.’
‘So am I.’
‘OK. That’s good then.’
‘Yeah.’
Freddie helped Kate clear up, still sensing and avoiding that static electric thing that was happening between them, and then went to brush his teeth and wash his face, before collecting his things and getting ready to go home. He felt Kate watching him the whole time. Thinking about him.
‘Busy Saturday planned?’ Kate asked as he stood in her entryway, backpack over one shoulder.
‘Not really. Was going to play some games. Maybe read some comics. You?’
‘Packing, mostly,’ Kate sighed, looking back over her domain. Freddie noticed the flattened cardboard boxes ready to be assembled, the chunky roll of black bin liners on the coffee table in front of the sofa.
‘OK, well,’ he paused. Now was the time. He could kiss her again – surely she wouldn’t mind if he kissed her again? ‘I’ll see you around?’
The chance was gone.
‘Sure,’ said Kate.
He couldn’t make out her expression, it was hard to read.
And then Freddie was outside her flat, and the door was closed behind him.
Chapter 18
Freddie hadn’t called her, hadn’t texted her, hadn’t anything-ed her. It was as if, once he had said goodbye after breakfast on Saturday morning, he had vanished off the face of the earth. Kate remembered his expression, something like terror, something like reticence, his inability to look her in the eye. She wondered if he regretted what they had done. She wondered, even though he had said that he had wanted it, if this whole endeavour was something Kate had forced upon him, whether Freddie was someone too shy to be able to say no. She felt like a terrible person.
But she also couldn’t ignore how she had felt that morning. How he had felt. There had been no screaming orgasm, but there had been something, a feeling of blooming deep inside her, a feeling like real pleasure was there and reachable, but still buried. She just had to dig a little further, she just had to be a little more patient. Kate thought about Freddie’s body, the weight and the warmth of it, and was surprised at the feelings it conjured in her now, wondered if they were directly related to him, or more generalised. Was it having sex with Freddie that she had enjoyed, or the feeling of having sex itself? Would it be like that with others? Could it be better?
‘You OK?’ Renee asked as they sat in the staff room waiting for the morning briefing.
‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ Kate sighed, adjusting the shirt of her uniform. She felt self-conscious.
‘So, how’s Freddie?’
Kate stopped suddenly and glanced at her friend, worried. Was ‘I just had sex for the first time’ written in felt-tip pen right across her forehead?
‘Has something happened?’ Renee asked again.
Kate didn’t get a chance to reply because suddenly Beth was there, shuffling her papers and delivering the daily briefing. After she had finished and officially dispersed everybody to their posts, she called out: ‘Oh Kate, before you go upstairs?’
‘I’ll talk to you later,’ Renee mouthed meaningfully as she left with everybody else.
‘So, I’ve been talking with the Learning and Development team about that role you were interested in.’ Kate prepared herself for bad news, but Beth was smiling, her tone cheerful. ‘It turns out that the team there are in a bit of a pickle, and need some interim help before the new role can be properly filled. I put you forward – I hope you don’t mind?’
‘No, I don’t mind at all,’ Kate replied, trying to contain her eagerness.
‘They’re willing to consider it an elongated interview. A chance to see if it’s a good fit for both of you. What do you think?’
‘I think that’s fine; better than fine, in fact. I’d be happy to do it.’
‘Great. In which case, you start first thing tomorrow morning. Check with them what code you need to put in when you do your timecard. Don’t forget, otherwise you won’t get paid properly.’
‘I’d get paid more?’
‘Not much more, I’m afraid, but a bit. You know how tight things are around here. But it’s something.’
‘Thank you so much, Beth. I really appreciate it.’