I nodded my head. “Nice Guy Syndrome is a bitch.”
“Mom says it’s my fault, that I have to be more… you know, like Claudia.” Jenn paused for a moment. “Being her sister is just the worst. I’ll never be enough compared to her. Her grades were better, her friends were better, her taste is better. Whatever I do, she does it better. She’s brilliant, smart and pretty, while I’m a disaster.”
“Jenn, you are brilliant, smart and pretty, too.”
“Yeah, I know that, rationally. I know I’m me, and I like the way I am, most of the time. I know I shouldn’t let some stupid insecurities crush me, but… when I hear the ‘You should be more like your sister’ mantra… sometimes it’s so tiring to pretend I’m okay with it.”
I felt that. Deep, straight in my heart. “I think I know how you feel.”
Jenn let out a tired laugh. “You got me, James, since the first day we met. You wouldn’t know, but I don’t go full crazy right away with the people I meet. I did it with you, because I felt I could trust you.”
I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat. She trusted me. And maybe, just this time, I could try to trust her, too. “Jenn… can I tell you some pretty fucked up things about me?”
Jenn nodded, and that day, for the first time, I really talked to her; I told her all I felt, about Rob and about myself, and I told her about my past, about my most embarrassing meltdowns and failures. As she listened to me and comforted me, I realized that I had a friend. My first, one and only friend.
When I confessed to her how blessed I felt to have her by my side, Jenn laughed and told me the second most beautiful words I was lucky enough to hear that day: “I’m glad you’re my friend.”
With some surprise, I became aware that someone had accepted me. For the first time, someone had accepted my past and liked me anyway.
Today I might have lost my love forever, but I gained something in return.
I guessed I should be thankful to Roberto for that as well.
ROBERTO
James had a cut on his lip. I noticed the moment he entered the bar with Jennifer, the day after Luca arrived. He and Jenn were sharing headphones and chatting, and even though I had no idea what they were talking about, I was glad he seemed fine. Except for that cut. What could have happened to him?
At my table, Francesco and Luca were talking about Claudia’s wedding. Francesco was explaining how the tables would be organized – the closer you were to the couple, the closer your table would be to theirs – and was trying to prepare him for the tarantella dances, the infinite toasts and the drunk uncles asking inappropriate questions.
I was aware that I was probably supposed to tell Luca all those things instead, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I couldn’t believe there had been a time when I had really wanted Luca to come home with me, because right now all I felt was an irritating violation of my personal space. I was doing well enough on my own. I didn’t need him in town with me and the last thing I felt like doing now was babysitting him.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Francesco demanded as soon as Luca left us alone to go to the bathroom. I was in a foul mood already without him scolding me, so I just ignored his question.
“How’s James doing, Fra?” I asked. “What happened to his lip?”
Francesco ran a hand over his face. “Of course, that’s what you’ve been thinking about. You’re such an ass.”
“Thank you for the compliment. Can you just fucking answer the question?”
“I spoke to him yesterday, he’ll be fine.”
“What about his lip?”
“You do realize this is entirely your fault, don’t you? I warned you to leave James alone.”
I had to hold back slamming my hand on the table. “I didn’t plan any of this! I can’t control it, okay? This… thing with James is different from anything I’ve ever experienced before.”
Francesco’s face was incredulous. “Okay,” he said, “maybe you really think so. But let me ask you one thing, then: why aren’t you breaking up with Luca? If you really can’t stand him and you want James instead, what are you waiting for, Rob?”
His words shut me up completely.
Francesco released a deep breath. “James is leaving in a couple of weeks. Whatever you have with him… I’m sure is very exciting and new, but it’s not enough for you, is it? Deep down you think it isn’t worth it. Luca came here for you; to fix your relationship. God, don’t you think you owe him at least to try?”
Francesco’s words made sense. I had been having doubts about my relationship with Luca for a while now; if I wanted, I could break it off. What was holding me back? My family? My life in Milan? Or maybe, no matter how angry and disappointed I was, I cared about us after all?
Luca wasn’t what I wanted, and our relationship was barely enough. But still, maybe, deep inside of me, I didn’t want to lose him.
My cousin stood up and, before leaving, put a hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m not Aunt Rosa; I don’t want you to stay with Luca at all costs. But you have to understand what you really want and make a choice. James is a good kid; he doesn’t deserve to be played with. And neither does Luca.”
Now alone at the table, I looked toward the other side of the bar; James wasn’t there anymore. When Luca came back, I suggested we take a walk on the seaside, just the two of us.
“Have you finally decided to talk to me?” Luca said, his eyes locked on the houses further along the shore.
I took a deep breath and replied, “I didn’t mean to avoid you or treat you coldly. I was just… very surprised to see you here.”
“Yes, I could tell. I’m sorry I ‘interrupted’ you.”
I felt a cold shiver run down my spine. “Interrupted what?” There was no way he knew about James, right?
“Your ‘thinking’,” he said, calmly. “You asked me for time to think, and I didn’t give it to you. I understand if you’re angry with me.”
I had to hold back a sigh of relief. “I’m not angry with you,” I said, and I wasn’t sure if I was lying. “But why did you come? I thought you had other plans.”
“I did some thinking too, in the past few days. I thought about how we’ve grown apart, and I realized… it was my fault.”
That was unexpected.
Luca was now staring directly into my eyes, as serious as I had ever seen him before. “I took you for granted, Rob. I was taken by my new job and my boring colleagues in stupid suits and rub-on tans, and I forgot about you more often that I’d like to admit.”
I didn’t think he would ever admit to that. Like Francesco said, he really was trying. “I don’t think you forgot about me, Lu. I think you left me out on purpose, because… I embarrass you. I get that, I really do. I’m a goofball who would never wear a suit to a bar. I’ll never drink cocktails from a jar because it ‘looks cool,’ or talk about the stock market. I’m different from you; you fit in with those businessmen. I’m never going to be like that.”
Luca exhaled loudly and nodded his head. “I don’t want you to become like that. God, I don’t want to be like that. I realize now, when I’m so close to losing you… I liked the person I was when I fell in love with you. Yes, you are a goofball, and I love that. I love how our freezer is full of jars of tomato sauce. I love that you open the windows at 7 a.m. every day to ‘let in some fresh air,’ even when it’s freezing outside. I love that you call your grandparents once a week and you always have something different to tell them. I love that when you come back from your hometown, every tiny space in your suitcase is filled with tuna cans, and when somebody tells you that you can buy tuna in Milan too, you reply that if it’s from the south, it tastes better.”