I nodded.
“Did somebody do… something to you? Against your will?”
I shook my head, and he sighed in relief. He told me to wait for him, went to the bathroom and came back with the first aid kit. He disinfected the cut on my lip awkwardly. I could tell he had no idea how to do it. Whenever Mary or I got hurt as kids, Mom was always the one who took care of us. I thought Dad didn’t care at first, but when I spent months in bed with pneumonia, I realized that he was actually just terrified of seeing us in pain. Whenever he came to see me, it was like he suffered with me. I could feel how much he loved me back then.
Before I ruined everything.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a muffled whisper, unable to stop the tears. “I’m sorry I turned out all wrong.”
Dad’s lips pursed into a straight line, and he moved his glasses to his forehead to rub his eyes. “You didn’t turn out wrong, James.”
“I know you think that!” I screamed. “And you’re right… I… after all that happened back home, I…” I paused, trying to catch breath. “I’m in love with him. He has a boyfriend, and I’m in love with him anyway. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me?”
Dad blinked a few times and touched my face again. “Is this what happened? You’re in love with him?”
I just nodded my head, fighting the urge to bite my lip one more time.
“Look at me,” Dad said seriously. I lifted my eyes, and I saw him smiling at me like he hadn’t in ages. “Love isn’t something to be ashamed of, James.”
“But I… what happened last year–”
“What happened last year was really different from this,” Dad interrupted, “and it wasn’t entirely your fault, anyway. We have our share of responsibility too. I’m sorry I told you I was disappointed in you. I took out my frustration on you, because I couldn’t admit that I should blame myself instead, for not seeing or realizing what you were going through. It seemed like it all went so fast; one day you were my little boy, and the next you had become a young man I didn’t know about… but things like that don’t happen overnight. I’m truly sorry, James, that I missed out on you.”
“Are you saying,” my voice trembled, “that you don’t hate me?”
Dad’s eyes widened. “God, James, of course not. Is that what you thought?” He placed a steady hand on the nape of my neck, and took a deep breath. “I guess sometimes things need to be said clearly, don’t they? You’re my son and I love you, James. I’ve loved you since the day I learned you were going to be born and I will love you until the day I die.”
I had stopped hoping to hear those words from him months ago. I covered my mouth with my hand and cried again, silently. “Dad… this is the first time I’ve loved someone… I don’t know how to do this…”
Dad smiled at me and ruffled my hair. “Just live in the moment. Each thing you feel, even the pain you’re going through now, is something precious that will make you grow. Just live it to its fullest.”
I took a deep breath and dried my tears. “He’s a man,” I whispered, looking deeply into Dad’s eyes.
“That’s okay,” Dad said, returning my gaze. “You’re being really brave, James. I’m proud of you.”
◆◆◆
When I came out of the shower, Mom was up already. I think Dad told her what happened, because she hugged me gently and sent me to sleep in their room. I appreciated that they wanted to give me some privacy. I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. I dreamed of Rob, confused memories of the days we spent together and of the previous night, when we looked at the night sky under a warm blanket. When I woke up, I cried into the pillow until I ran out of tears. Mom brought me something to eat in bed; I could hear her say to Mary that I had a fever, on the other side of the door.
In the evening, I finally found the courage to look at my phone again. When I unlocked the screen, the gallery opened up showing a picture of Jenn and I that we took last night and that she had sent me in the morning, before… everything.
In less than a day, I had lost Rob and chased away the only person who could have truly been my friend right now. I made a mistake earlier, when I thought about what I had learned about myself; I wasn’t only hopeless. I was mean, too.
Tears ran down my face as I opened our WhatsApp conversation and typed the words “I’m sorry.” Jenn read the text, but she didn’t reply. Of course she didn’t.
You’re reaping what you sow, said a voice in my head, before I cried myself to sleep again.
“James? Are you awake?” asked someone close to me. For a moment, I thought it was Mary, but when I opened my eyes, I recognized the silhouette of the girl who was leaving the room.
“Jenn!” I shouted, jumping up.
Don’t leave, I thought, not brave enough to say it clearly. Please, don’t leave me. Don’t turn into another shadow to look back on with regret. I have too many of them. Why do they keep piling up? Why do I keep destroying every beautiful thing that comes into my life?
Jenn turned and guilt hit me right in the face when her swollen eyes looked back at me.
“I’m so sor–”
Before I could finish the sentence, Jenn literally jumped on me, throwing her arms around my neck, and I hid my face in her beautiful curls and for the first time I didn’t care that she could see me at my very worst. She already did, and she forgave me.
“It’s not about the ‘thrill’ of having a gay friend, you idiot!” she told me while crying in my arms.
“I know,” I whispered while caressing her hair. I was at my limit; my body was trembling, and tears wouldn’t stop falling on my cheeks. “I said that because deep down I have no idea why anyone would want to hang out with a loser like me, Jenn. I mean, look at me.” I released the hug and gestured at myself. “Why do you want to be my friend, even if I’m like this?”
Jenn sighed and rested her forehead on my shoulder. “Because you get me,” she whispered. “When Claudia introduced us, do you remember the very first thing you told me?”
I swallowed and tried to remember, but it didn’t come to me. I just shook my head, hoping this wouldn’t hurt her feelings.
“I told you, ‘Claudia is Claudia, and I’m her half-baked sister.’ And you said–”
“–So, you’re like me,” I completed her sentence. How could I forget? I hadn’t given much importance to those words that day. Part of me had been sure she was joking… but she wasn’t. It all made so much sense now.
Jenn smiled and nodded her head. She sat down at the end of the bed and patted the mattress on her left. I took my place next to her and crossed my legs on the bed. Jenn dried her eyes with the back of her hand and told me, “I don’t fit in with the other girls in my class. All they talk about are boys, trash TV and signature shoes. That’s so boring to me. I like listening to punk music, playing videogames and hanging out with boys. But my friends always end up wanting more from me. They’re all nice and fun, until they start blaming me for ‘friendzoning’ them. Fuck that.”