Worry wouldn’t let me go. I looked at James, who couldn’t look directly into Luca’s eyes and was biting his lip again. Then Francesco passed an arm around James’ shoulders and pulled him closer, saying, “James is our most favorite neighbor from the United States.”
“Nice meeting you, James,” Luca told him, and they shook hands.
I couldn’t stop looking at Francesco’s hand on James’ shoulder, as my stomachache worsened and my head felt like exploding, and the only clear thought my confused mind could formulate was that the person holding James right now should be me.
JAMES
I wished I could disappear, somewhere far away, to never come back.
If Francesco and Jenn hadn’t been by my side at that moment, I think I would’ve run away. I shook hands with Luca and smiled at him politely – or at least I tried – but all I felt inside was emptiness, pain and humiliation. How could I delude myself into thinking there could be anything but a meaningless flirt between Roberto and me? How could I fall in love with him when he was taken, when he had been taken since the beginning?
I thought I knew, rationally, that what we were doing meant nothing, but still I had the audacity to fall in love with him. And I only had myself to blame. I looked at the ground, until Rob, Marco and Luca were finally gone. My face was flaming hot and my eyes were burning as my heartbeat echoed loudly in my head.
“James,” Francesco’s voice called me back to Earth. He had both hands on my shoulders and was shaking me gently. Jenn was standing next to me, caressing my back. “Are you all right?” Fra asked me, worry showing on his face.
“I…” I muttered, “I need to go home.”
“I’m coming with you,” Jenn said. “What about ice cream and Netflix?”
“Maybe later, okay? Right now I really need to… be alone for a little while.” I tried my best to smile at her and Claudia, who was standing behind her sister looking at me with a compassionate expression that made me want to die. Claudia was a good person. So good she had invited Rob’s boyfriend to her wedding without even knowing him. I wondered what she really thought about me; if behind her gentle expression she actually judged me for pining after a man who had a boyfriend.
“James,” Francesco said again, looking deeply into my eyes. “I know you won’t believe what I’m about to say, but I know how you feel. I’ve been through this as well.”
“Okay,” I said, not really meaning it, just trying to keep a shade of dignity. How could he know what I was feeling? How could he understand the painful, obnoxious mess I had inside? I didn’t fully understand it myself.
“You’re going to be okay. Give yourself some time,” he concluded.
“Sure,” I said, averting my gaze. I breathed deeply, pushing back into my chest the sobs that were trying to come out. My eyes were so dry they were stinging, but I wouldn’t allow myself to blink. I wasn’t going to cry.
I turned around and walked toward my house without looking back, then felt someone pulling at my arm. Jenn was standing by my side, and I knew that if I allowed myself to be me right now, I would burst out crying, and I wasn’t going to be that guy. Giving voice to my deepest frustration, I said, “What do you want?”
Jenn lowered her gaze to the ground, with a look in her eyes that seemed a mixture of pity and guilt. “I… I don’t think you should be alone after all.”
What was that now? Her words felt like a knife stabbing my already wounded heart. Why was I so obvious? Why did I look so weak? Why did she have to say all that, making even more clear how pathetic I was, while Francesco and her sister were still standing right behind us?
I hated it, all of it. Every single word, every pitiful stare, every compassionate touch. I shook off her arm, and I gave in to the only emotion that could keep me going right now: anger.
“I told you I want to be alone!” I snapped at her. Again, she couldn’t look back into my eyes. Fuck that. “What is it that you want from me, exactly? Is this some sort of White Knight Syndrome?” I said, with no other purpose than to keep her away. “You know what? I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while… if you hang out with me just for the thrill of having a gay friend, Jenn, go find yourself somebody else!”
Silence stretched between us, and this time I didn’t give her time to reply. I turned around and ran home. As I closed the door behind my back, I realized I had nothing left inside me; I just felt completely empty.
The house was silent; it was still early morning after all. I decided to take a quick shower and go straight to bed, and hopefully I’d fall asleep right away and never wake up again. I smiled at the thought. It would be nice, but I’d probably wake up in time for lunch. I’d have to see my family and pretend I was all right and make up an excuse not to go to the beach. I’d have to find something to do to stop thinking about what happened. About him.
How could I not think about him when until a few minutes ago the warmth of his arms was the only thing I needed to live? I shouldn’t have gotten closer. I shouldn’t have opened up. I should’ve stayed alone, like I was supposed to be. I should’ve used this vacation to heal, like Dr. Westermann said. To figure out something about myself. Oh, but I did figure something out after all: I was hopeless.
The pain in my stomach and the burn in my chest were getting worse. I walked to the darkest corner of the living room and let myself fall down. I curled up, hiding my face behind my knees, and I told myself to hold on a little longer. Just a little while longer…
Until I couldn’t. Pain pulsed furiously in my chest, all the way up to my head, and a muffled whine escaped my lips, breaking all my walls, destroying all my defenses. Tears ran down my cheeks, and the more I tried to suppress them, the more painful they got as they forced their way out of my eyes. I cried, and cried, and cried, until my throat was sore, my eyes were on fire and I couldn’t breathe. My teeth sank into my lip and no matter how it hurt, it didn’t hurt nearly enough to rival the pain I had inside.
I didn’t realize somebody was coming until it was too late.
“James, what’s going on?” Dad said, running to me from the stairs. Of course, of all people, it had to be him. I took my head in my hands, yanking my hair, trying to find the strength to stop crying, to say that I was fine, to run away. I’d rather have anything but another “I’m so disappointed in you.”
“Stop this, you’re hurting yourself,” Dad said instead, pulling at my arms until I let go of my head. I lifted my face and I saw him, despite my blurred vision, on his knees in front of me, confused and upset, and I wished I could lose consciousness and escape into some dark and quiet place until this was over.
Dad exhaled loudly, and took my face in his hands. “James, your lip is bleeding. I need you to breathe right now, okay? Breathe slowly. In with your nose and out with your mouth. Like this, good.” I did as he said, and when I released my lip, it started pulsing with pain as something warm leaked down my chin. I was a mess. I sobbed desperately, not knowing what to do or what to say.
“Listen, James,” Dad’s voice was a little awkward but unexpectedly warm. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. Can you please tell me… just say yes or no, okay?”