That thought made me angry at myself; I had no right to say anything to Marco. I had let James down. I had no right to still consider him special… to consider him mine.
“There’s this guy,” Marco continued explaining to Luca, “recently I found myself thinking he’s pretty, which is ridiculous, you know, being a dude.” From his expression, I couldn’t understand what he was thinking at all. He looked like a different person from when he had asked me for advice a few days ago; he had been really honest and vulnerable with me, and now… it almost felt like he was doing it on purpose. “I kissed him last night,” he concluded.
The glass from which I was drinking fell to the floor, crashing in a thousand pieces. I refused Luca’s help and cleaned up, without looking at either of them. I just wanted to punch something.
“It wasn’t really supposed to mean anything,” Marco continued, “but now I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Enough. Another second in there and my brother would be dead meat. I left the kitchen without a word and went to the backyard.
“Good morning, Roberto,” a female voice said from the other side of the fence. Claire, James’ Mom, was as beautiful as ever. I said hello, hoping she wouldn’t see right through me. “Your mother has been so kind to invite us for dinner tonight,” she continued. “She said Claudia and her parents will be here as well.”
As soon as I realized what her words implied, my heart warmed up. Finally, I would be able to see James; maybe even talk to him. She must have read that thought on my face, because she added, “Richard and I will be there at eight o’clock.”
He wasn’t coming. Of course he wasn’t. Damn it, I couldn’t resist anymore. “Claire, how’s James doing?”
She didn’t budge, almost as if she was expecting that question. She walked a little closer and, speaking quietly, she told me, “He’s fine, but not thanks to you.” She didn’t look angry or disappointed; I realized she was just worried for her son.
“I need to talk to him.”
She looked at me with a compassionate expression, which I didn’t deserve, and said, “Please, spare him that. James… he’s gone through a lot. He deserves some tranquility now.”
My stomach started burning again. “I didn’t want to hurt him…” I murmured.
Claire stared deeply into my eyes and replied, with the certainty and the strength that only a mother could have, “Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you want, Rob. If you care about James, do what’s best for him and stay away.”
◆◆◆
During dinner, I kept wishing I could just run away. Everyone was having fun and laughing about how Mom and Dad had managed to make friends with Claire and Richard simply using Google translate on their phones, but I was just desperate for some time alone. I needed to think. I had made peace with Luca – sort of – but I was restless. I needed to see James; I was sick of people telling me to leave him alone. What did Francesco or his mother know about what James really needed?
We hadn’t said a word to each other since Luca arrived; I couldn’t believe the last time I spoke to him had actually been on Ferragosto. I needed to know if he really didn’t want to see me anymore. If James didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I would leave him alone. God, if he wanted my brother, he could have him.
But I needed to hear it from him.
“It’s their son, isn’t it?” Luca asked after dinner, sitting by my side on the couch. “The boy Marco told us about.”
I shrugged, not even trying to hide my irritation. “I don’t care,” I lied.
“He’s really cute. I saw him with Marco in their backyard today, helping Marco with his English homework.”
My mouth felt completely dry. I poured myself some wine and got a glass for Luca as well. I hoped that would make him change the subject, but it didn’t work.
He continued, “We talked for a little while.”
“You did?” I tightened my grip on the glass. I hated the thought that anything Luca might have said could have hurt James.
“Yeah, just for a few minutes, but I liked him. We talked about poetry, and I was really impressed. I had this idea that all Americans cared about was pop culture.” I didn’t comment on that, since for a long time I had thought the same. “I think Marco’s gonna have it tough with him, though. It sounded like he’s got someone else. When Marco invited him out tonight, he said he’d rather stay home and read.”
I had been sure James had gone out with Marco and Jenn, like every other evening. From what Claire and Richard said, Mary was at a sleepover. So James was home alone? I didn’t like the idea of him being alone with his thoughts… especially if he was feeling lonely. I could almost see him in my head; his gaze lost in the distance, biting his lips, oppressed by memories he had never told me about.
I left the dining room to go to the bathroom, and I intentionally went to the one on the second floor. I walked to the window and looked at James’ house. The lights were off. Was he asleep? I dragged my eyes to their backyard and finally saw a faint, white light on the porch swing next to the door. It seemed to be the display of a phone. I decided to take my chances and typed a WhatsApp message: “Look up.”
The phone on the bench buzzed, and a shadow picked it up. James took a few steps forward in the backyard and looked toward me. I couldn’t see him well, but I saw him typing something in return. “Are you spying on me? Creepy.”
“If I were spying on you, I wouldn’t have said anything.”
“What about dinner?”
“This is the most boring dinner of my life."
James didn’t reply. He was just standing there, looking back at me, maybe waiting for me to go away. I didn’t want to go away.
“Wait there, please,” I typed, and I walked back downstairs. I had a look at how things were going in the living room, from beside the door; Luca was chatting with Richard and Claudia, music was playing and everyone was having a good time. It didn’t seem like they needed me there. They probably didn’t even notice I was gone. I walked outside to the backyard and saw James standing exactly where I had left him, with his phone still in his hands. “Did you do that to your lip?” I asked.
James let out something between a sigh and a short laugh. “No, I had a fight with a cat.”
“Did you win?” I smiled, walking closer to the fence. A little reluctantly, he walked closer too.
“What do you think?” he asked, intensely looking at me. His eyes were shining, his lips pursed, and I didn’t know if he was angry at me or if he was holding back kissing me as much as I was. “Did you come here to check on me? Because you wouldn’t be the first, and this is getting pretty humiliating to be honest.”
“What do you mean?”
“I always knew that you had a boyfriend. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.” As he said those words, I realized he was actually angry. “What the hell were we even doing? It was just a meaningless flirt.”
Fine. His words hurt just fine. I deserved it. But… “Do you really believe that?” I whispered and slowly brought my hands to his cheeks. James swallowed, and his cold expression shattered at the question. A small tear fell from his eye and before I knew it, I had kissed it away. James threw his arms around my neck so fast I didn’t even have time to think. I laced my arms around him and dropped my head to his neck, breathing the familiar scent of his skin, feeling his warmth. “God, finally,” I whispered, pulling him in so tightly I was afraid I’d hurt him. James’ hands were clutching my back, his fingernails digging into my shoulders. He was in my arms. Finally, right where I had always wanted him.