I was confused and just seeing him so distressed filled my eyes with tears. I held my breath, trying to resist that tempting pressure, urging me to release the pain.
“Where is your boyfriend?” I asked again, unable to stop my lips from trembling.
Rob’s gaze remained on me as he said, “My… Luca is… he’s probably on his way back to Milan.”
My mouth fell open and I found my hands clenching on his shirt. “How? Why? Is this why you’ve been crying?”
He let out a breathless laugh. “How? Well, we talked… more or less. Why… because it had to happen. And yes, this is why I’ve been crying.”
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” I felt a black void open in my chest and I found it hard to breathe. “I can fix this. I’ll talk to him. I’ll explain it was me who–”
Rob shook his head and rested his forehead on mine. “Things with Luca weren’t going well already before I came back home. But even if what we’re doing were the reason, which it’s not, that would hardly be your fault. I lost my mind for you, and that’s entirely on me.”
That was too much. A tear dropped from my eye, followed by another, and another one. “Why aren’t you blaming me? I don’t understand,” I sobbed. “I’m not as good as you think. I’m worth nothing. I’m just a huge slut.”
“I’ve heard you say that many times, but I don’t believe you.”
I laughed hysterically, consumed by guilt. I had omitted the truth with him, and now his relationship was over because of me; because he thought I was different from the mess I truly was. But maybe I could still do something. It was time to come clean. “You should. There’s… there’s a video of me somewhere on Youporn that will prove you wrong.”
Rob’s eyes widened. “God, James…”
“The friends you saw me with in those pictures on Instagram… they weren’t my friends. I had sex with them… sometimes with more than one at a time.” I breathed out, crying all the tears I had been holding back. Roberto was an honest person. He deserved to know, even if that meant losing him forever. “There was a boy I liked… his name was Brian. He and his friends were the ‘cool kids’, you know, they were popular. Brian knew I liked him and… we had this sort of deal, that if I did what he and his friends wanted, I could be one of them.” Before he could say anything, I took a short breath and continued, “I didn’t mind, to be honest. I got something out of it, too, and, well, considering how awkward I am with people, I guessed that was pretty much the best I could afford. It started out with blowjobs, and I was the one who wanted to take it to the next level… because I was curious. It didn’t matter that they despised me or said filthy things to me all the time… I knew right from the start that I would be nothing more than a sex toy to them. They never touched me in public, because that… that would have been too gay. Still, it was okay, because at least, I could have that memory of him.”
Roberto swallowed air, pale as a corpse, but he didn’t take his eyes away from me, not even for a second.
Sobs were shaking me, but I had to go on until the end. “It went on for years… until one of Brian’s friends filmed me without me noticing. That thing went viral in no time. I found out when somebody reported it to a teacher. The school called my parents, and that’s how I came out to them, by the way. After that… the police were involved, but I didn’t name names, because I… I just wanted it to be over. But it’ll never be over, because once something’s on the internet, you can’t take it down. Look me in the eyes now, Rob, and tell me again that I’m not a slut.”
There was a long, awful, moment of silence. I wanted to die. Rob breathed out and placed his hands on my shoulders, his expression unreadable. “I understand so many things now,” he said. “But I still don’t think of you as a slut, James.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. A nasty voice inside my head told me he was joking. A hidden, tiny part of me was moved by an aching tenderness and pure joy I couldn’t express instead. “Rob, are you insane?”
He smiled, with tears in his eyes, and said, “That’s not the first time I’ve been asked that today.” I opened my mouth to reply, but he stopped me. “I think you have a beautiful heart, James. I think you’re very lonely and insecure, and I think that motherfucker took advantage of you in the worst possible way. What this Brian and his friends did to you is unforgivable. God, right now I wish I could punch every single one of those bastards to death.”
I bit my lip with all my strength, and couldn’t repress a wince of pain. The cut hadn’t healed completely yet. Rob took my face in his hands and lifted it up. “You deserve so much more than you know,” he whispered.
“I don’t,” I muttered. “I don’t deserve you. I… borrowed you from your boyfriend. But you did more than enough for me already, Rob. You gave me more than I could ever hope for.”
“No, I don’t think so,” he said. “James, you already know by now that I’m not perfect. Honestly, Luca could list a hundred million reasons why I’m the worst boyfriend ever. But if despite everything you want me and if you’ll have me, I will do all I can to make you happy.”
I wasn’t sure what he was offering me. Time together? Hugs? Sex?
Confused, all I could say was, “I leave in two weeks.”
He grinned at me, and I was in heaven. “Then I’ll have to make them the best two weeks of your life yet,” he said.
Unable to stop the tears, I tried smiling and said, “That sounds like an easy win, to be honest.”
Rob laughed as if he couldn’t help it, as if it was coming directly from the bottom of his heart, and he pulled me into a warm, sweet embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and held me gently, and I unleashed all the pain, all the shame I had inside and let him carry my mind away from the squalid places it lingered in, taking me somewhere bright, simple and pure. My name never sounded so sweet as it did in his mouth, and he called me, over and over, as he laid small kisses on my temples, on my eyes, on my nose, on my cheeks. And I felt warm and coddled, and something new set itself in the pit of my stomach, but instead of the tearing pain I was used to feeling, this time it was a playful tingle, and as it pulsed in my chest, laughter came out.
“James,” Rob whispered, his face an inch from mine, “there’s one thing that occurred to me. Tell me if I’m wrong, okay?”
“What is it?” I asked, a little afraid that he might change his mind about me.
“You’ve never been kissed.”
My heart positively dropped to the floor. Kisses had never fit the picture. They were for stupid fantasies about nonexistent nice men and romantic love stories which I would never live. My face flushed with warmth, and I couldn’t look him in the eyes.
“Hey,” he whispered gently, “stop biting your lip.” I didn’t realize I was doing it, and I released my lip, hesitantly. Rob paused for a moment, and then said, “If you want to bite something… bite mine.”
I remained speechless for a few seconds. “You really are insane.”