Until she realized I wasn’t.
Dr. Westermann often told me that I shouldn’t worry too much about what Mary seemed to be thinking about me, that she was going through adolescence and it was normal for our relationship to change, but nevertheless, she would always be my sister and deep down she loved me. She had suggested I use this vacation to try to speak with her about what had happened.
I knew that I had turned out to be a disappointment to Mary as much as I was for Mom and Dad, but I didn’t have the strength to face her. It was easier for me to just let her hate me. If she hated me and kept being rude to me, I could allow myself to feel even just a little less guilty. So I turned my head the other way whenever we were alone, to avoid speaking with her.
Only when she was asleep or when she couldn’t see me, I allowed myself to look at my little sister, and apologize to her in my mind for the shame I had put her through.
Maybe, subconsciously, I thought we still had time. I thought I had all my life to fix us. That thought shattered into a thousand pieces when a girl from the town ran to our house to tell us Mary had had an accident.
The following minutes were dominated by panic and fear. We ran to the location of the accident, where people were surrounding the other girl who had been with Mary, who seemed to be in shock. Mom, Dad and I climbed the rock Mary had fallen from, but we couldn’t see her. She was nowhere near the rocks. She was nowhere to be seen.
As the Coast Guard spoke to my parents, I saw Mary’s bag floating in the water, dragged by the current, and two things occurred to me in that instant: the bag was empty, otherwise it wouldn’t stay afloat like that, and Mary always wore it crossbody. What were the odds of the bag opening, losing all its contents and slipping away from her, while she was being dragged away by the current? Surely it could be, but I couldn’t get out of my head that she had let it go on purpose, to send us a signal. The bag had popped out in the water so fast, it should have come from some place close. If I was right, Mary was okay. But how could I know for sure?
I showed the bag to the Coast Guard, and they told me to wait.
The water crashed against the land, as if the sea was angry with us, angry with the whole world. I knew it was preventing us from taking out the boats. It was threatening my sister’s life. As another wave crashed into the rocks, a horrifying truth hit me; it could have taken her life already.
“The rescue team is coming,” they said. They had said that ten minutes ago as well.
Too slow. What if they arrived too late?
I could jump. There was a cave in the rocks in the direction where the bag came from. Mary could be there. Even if she wasn’t, I could swim there and wait for the rescue boat to take me back to the land. Yes, I was positive I could swim there. The current of the Mediterranean Sea surely wasn’t as strong as the currents of the ocean. Neither was the water as cold. I could do it. I was sure I could. I learned how to swim in a river, damn it.
As if to confirm my theory, a pink sandal came from behind the rock, right where the cave was.
“James!”
Rob called from somewhere behind me, with desperation in his voice. He was running as fast as he could, followed by Marco and his boyfriend. Once again, it only hurt seeing them together, but I didn’t have time for my own personal drama right now.
It felt like for the very first time in my life, my body just knew what to do.
I jumped.
ROBERTO
That idiot.
What the hell was he thinking? He must have gone crazy.
And I probably was as crazy as he was.
Because I jumped right behind him.
JAMES
I dived deep into the water, swimming in the direction where I’d seen the bag and the sandal. At least, I hoped I was going in the right direction. As I thought, the current wasn’t as strong as in the ocean, but I wasn’t sure it wasn’t pushing me off track. Ignoring how my eyes were burning and the pain in my chest from holding my breath for too long, I swam to the surface to check my position in the water.
I caught my breath while looking around. The waves had been dragging me too close to the shore after all. The cave now seemed way further away than it looked from above.
“James!!”
For a moment, I thought I was hallucinating. But Rob kept calling me, from somewhere nearby. I screamed his name and swam toward his voice. When he saw me, he swam to me and pulled me into his arms, which was unexpected, wonderful and unbelievably reassuring.
“James, what the actual fu–”
“–later, okay?” I interrupted him. We couldn’t waste a moment or a single breath. “Mary is in that cave,” I said, looking desperately into his eyes. “I know she is, and I have to get there. It’s just farther than I thought.”
Rob let out a tired sigh and just said, “I’ll lead you there. Tell me if you’re too tired to keep swimming, okay?”
I just nodded and followed him. I don’t know how long it took us to get there; all I know is that all my muscles hurt as if something was tearing them apart. I didn’t tell Rob, and every time he asked how I was doing, I told him I was fine. I was tired. As much as I was trying to fight them, the waves kept pushing me back. If I stopped swimming even for a second, I knew they would drag me away and smash me on the rocks.
When we finally saw the cave, I was so happy I could’ve cried. I grabbed onto a rock and made the huge mistake of relaxing too much. Exhaustion overwhelmed me, and my trembling arm slipped. I felt the water lifting me up and, in that moment, I knew that the wave had gotten me. Right when I was about to be dragged away, Rob’s hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. I gathered all my strength and lifted myself up on the rock. Rob followed me and held my hand as we made our way into the cave from the rocks. I could tell he was as tired as I was. Neither of us had the strength to talk. My throat was sore, and my chest hurt with every breath, but I held back the pain and screamed Mary’s name, at the top of my lungs.
I screamed and shouted for her, and Rob joined in, following me in my absurd quest, until I was losing hope. And finally, from some rocks farther on our left, my sister’s voice called my name. Rob and I exchanged a quick look and rushed to her. Mary had managed to climb one of the rocks, where she had been trying to hide from the crashing waves. I made my way to her, careful not to slip, and hugged her tight.
I held her face in my hands, examining her head, trying to make sure she was okay. Mary was crying, and before I knew it, I was crying too. “Mary, thank God you’re okay,” I whispered, in tears.
My sister wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed desperately into my chest. “James, you came for me,” she cried. “I’m so happy to see you. I love you James, I love you so much.” My chest tightened as I held my little sister tighter. I couldn’t believe I could have lost her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, searching for my eyes. “It’s not true that I hate you… I don’t really think all the bad things I always said to you.”
All those months spent ignoring each other felt so meaningless and far away. Despite everything, she loved me. The thought that she was alive and we still had a chance to start over, was the best feeling in the world.
I kissed her head and said, “I know, Peanut. It doesn’t matter, okay? What matters now is that you’re okay.” Mary nodded her head and when she was finally able to talk again, she explained that she had twisted her ankle climbing the rock and couldn’t move from the pain. Rob helped me get her out of there, carrying her in his arms back toward the mouth of the cave. I felt like crying again as I realized that I owed him my life. And probably also my sister’s.