I scoffed and shook my head, “What, well, you’re hot.”
The disappointment on his face was hilarious. “Wow, thank you. And?”
“Nothing, that’s pretty much it,” I said with a grin. I would never let him hear what he wanted so easily. I knew he loved a good challenge, and I had a thousand of those ready for him. If only we had time, and his boyfriend wasn’t just around the corner…
“Interesting. Next time you look at me, you’ll have to pay me.”
“How much?”
“Not sure, ten euro?”
“Too cheap. Have you looked at yourself? You’re worth at least fifty, but I like that you’re not narcissistic, despite you being… you,” I gestured toward him, and then heaved a sigh. “I guess… what I like the most about you is that when I’m in your arms, I don’t hate myself all that much.”
Silence.
“James, I–”
“Here you are!” Luca’s voice interjected, coming out of the house. My mouth dried up almost instantaneously. “Hey, James, nice to see you,” he told me, walking closer to us and stopping right by Rob’s side. “Wanna come in with us? Rosa has made a huge gelato cake that we can’t possibly eat on our own.”
I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Thank you, but I don’t feel well tonight,” I lied. “I have a stomachache.”
“Ahh, that’s a shame!” he said. “But,” he added, “we’ll save you some for tomorrow. That’s how things are done in the south, right Rob?”
“Right,” Rob said, nodding his head. Then, looking at me, “Goodnight, James.”
“’Night,” I replied, looking at them going back home together.
ROBERTO
I hate cold, rainy days in Milan, but I don’t mind a summer rain, especially when I’m in my hometown. Rain changes the face of the town, giving to our borgo a Fantasy-like atmosphere. During the rain, everybody stays indoors, and as soon as the sky clears, people go out to take a walk on the seaside to look at the stormy sea.
Mom was beyond happy when she saw the rain; the temperature had gone down a bit, so she wouldn’t feel guilty in turning on the oven to make lasagna for lunch. She had been looking forward to it, and I must confess it was the same for me. Luca and I helped her out in the kitchen, and when we were done, we went back to my room.
I knew Luca wanted to talk. And I already knew what the problem was. I had been avoiding sex with him since he arrived in town. He didn’t say anything the first couple of days, but after we talked and he told me clearly that he wanted to fix our relationship, I realized he was expecting us to do it. Avoiding him or rejecting him with an excuse was really suspicious, but I couldn’t help it; the bare thought of sleeping with Luca felt wrong.
A voice inside my head kept repeating that with James it would be so much different. With James, it would feel right.
“I already know what you want to tell me,” I told Luca as soon as he closed the door behind him.
He looked at me and raised his eyebrows in surprise. I was expecting him to ask me about why I kept avoiding him, but instead he said, “What were you doing last night?”
My mouth was as dry as sandpaper. I tried my best to look straight at him and I replied, “I needed to get some fresh air.” It wasn’t completely a lie, but even more than air, I needed to see James.
“You’ve changed a lot in the past weeks,” he said with a fake tranquility that was probably hiding a storm. “You used to tell me things; now it feels like everything you say to me might be a lie.” He was right. Probably because I wasn’t used to lying, when I tried to do it the result was terrible.
James is a good kid; he doesn’t deserve to be played with. And neither does Luca. Francesco’s words came back to my mind. He had perfectly described the situation I was in; I was keeping James by my side, taking advantage of his good heart, and I was keeping Luca away with my lies. And I was a huge asshole.
“Lu, I need to talk to you,” I said, lowering my voice. It was time to come clean. I was finally ready to take responsibility for my actions.
Heavy steps interrupted us from the other side of the door. Marco was speaking loudly to Mom while rushing up the stairs to my room. He barged in in a hurry, his face flushed and breathing ragged. Something was wrong.
“Rob!” he screamed. “James’ sister had an accident!”
A cold shiver ran down my spine. “What happened?”
“She was taking pictures on the rocks with her friends and slipped down. They can’t find her anywhere.”
“God,” I whispered, trying to think rationally about the situation. The bad weather coinciding with the rising tide was a deadly combination, and the waves would eat up the beaches almost entirely. Being in the water right now could be really dangerous, especially after falling from the rocks; the current of the sea and the wind would make swimming too hard. The girl could be either dragged offshore or get smashed on the rocks. “Did she get hurt when she fell?” I asked Marco as we rushed outside to go to the beach.
“The girls are not sure… they’re in shock. One of them won’t stop crying.”
Shit.
As we ran toward the beach, I couldn’t help thinking that with such high waves we couldn’t possibly take the boats to look for her. Her family must be going through hell. James must be going through hell.
When we arrived at the location of the accident, the Coast Guard was speaking with Claire and Richard while organizing the search. Beside them, James was pale as a corpse.
As soon as my eyes focused on him, I wasn’t able to see or hear anything else. Up on the rock from which Mary had fallen, James was looking at the water with an indistinguishable expression on his face. I couldn’t tell if he was scared, angry or desperate. As I ran toward him, I realized he saw something. Light flashed in his eyes, and he turned toward the guards, gesturing toward the water and saying something. Getting closer, I heard them saying that the Search and Rescue team was arriving.
“But how long will it take?!” James screamed.
They told him to wait. Somebody was coming soon.
“How soon?” he asked again. In his eyes, there was terror mixed with a determination I didn’t think he had in him.
He looked like he was about to do something stupid.
“James!” I screamed, hoping to stop him, as I finally climbed the rock where all that was happening.
James turned to me for but a sheer moment, and his lips pursed. Without turning back, he took a running leap and jumped over the edge of the cliff.
JAMES
“My sister hates me.”
I had had that certainty in mind for months, since the moment I fucked up our family completely. Before that, I liked spending time with her. I didn’t get along with Mary as much as I did with Mom, but it was nice to have her around. When she was little, we’d spend hours discussing fairytales and Disney cartoons together before going to sleep. As she grew up, from the way she followed me around and remembered every small thing I said, I realized that she had started to admire me, which was truly unexpected. She saw me going out with my schoolmates, and my selfies and cool pictures on Instagram, and she probably started believing the lie I was telling the world about myself: that I was a normal, happy teenager. When she spoke with her friends, she told them how cool her big brother was.